I’m living with a functional alcoholic

[JeLo]

My husband and I have been together 10 years. He is the closest thing to perfect in  almost every way. Affectionate, loving, an incredible father, provider, friend. Everything you could ask for in a partner. But he drinks. A lot. Never during the week... But binges from Friday to Sunday. Each night of the weekend he’ll drink 500ml cans of mid strength beer and will easily down 6 (each is 2 standard drinks). And throw in a few double shot whiskeys or some premixed cans of 12%. Sundays is slightly less as he works Monday.

He, and I quote, “drinks to destress”. He feels relaxed when he’s “tipsy” - but in most cases, you would classify it as drunk. We’ve fought about his binge drinking behaviour through our entire relationship. It’s the only thing we argue about. He doesn’t think it’s an issue and doesn’t want to change but has tried to cut down to make me more comfortable. Because of this though (and to avoid the arguments), he started hiding alcohol around the house. I’ve caught him hiding drink in shoeboxes, coke bottles and around the house on 3 seperate occasions now. He’ll drink in most occasions. Alone, with friends, even after a full night drinking he’ll come home and have another full night drinking.

He’ll stay up late, and never, EVER stops at 1, or 2…

He says it’s my problem that I have to adjust to because he’s not going to stop. He constantly reminds me that there’s people worse than him - and yes, there definitely is - but I just can’t seem to get over it. I feel anxious to the point of feeling sick every time he cracks open a beer or pours a drink. And I’m mostly scared for the what ifs. His tolerance is throughh the roof so the amount he drinks keeps climbing. Work and life stresses means he craves it more. He starts getting frustrated if his drinking time is interrupted or delayed. I think about our kids and their exposure to what he defines as normal. 

I don’t really know what I’m looking for…

He’s a great partner. Seriously. But he isn’t willing to compromise on the drink. Am I being silly for feeling how I do if he’s so great in all other aspects? We’re fine during the week but the second Friday night rolls around, we’re both tense. 

[smallwolf]

Hello and welcome.

You are not silly with the feeling you have - that he is now hiding the drinks I would say is an indicator of a problem. And you don't have to drink every night to be an alcoholic.

From what you have said he drinks because of life and work stresses. Does he talk to you about these? What they are? I suspect the alcohol just allows a couple of days to forget and then back to the same old situation?

Do your kids play sports? Does he help there? Or kids too young?

What is his behaviour like when drinking? What is the impact on you and the kids?

Too many questions I know. Please don't feel like you have to answer any. And if you want to chat.... 

[JeLo]

Thanks so much for your response, @smallwolf. It’s nice to know there’s validity in me feeling this way. 

To clarify, yes he does speak to me about how he’s feeling. He bottles a lot in and doesn’t like to share while the kids are around so it’s only when we get alone time (which isn’t very often anymore). Which, paired with his tolerance, could be why he’s drinking more? They are mostly the every day struggles related to hard labour full time work and young children. It’s exhausting. And we’re both tired. So you’re  100% right when you say it’s an escape for a few hours. 

The kids are too young for sport. But he is an incredibly hands on dad (even when he’s drinking). He does get snappy, a little more impatient when he’s drinking - especially whiskey. The kids don’t seem to be bothered by it. Again, they’re too young to really understand. They call it Daddy’s juice and know not to touch it. I hate it though. Drink after drink after drink and just seeing the gradual progression from sober to annihilated makes me so frustrated and anxious. I can’t / don’t like to sit with him while he’s drinking and it’s a problem because we’re starting to be apart every weekend. As I mentioned, we don’t get a lot of alone time together but when we do, he’s drinking/drunk. 

He’s not willing to compromise because, as he says, he just ends up hiding the drink anyway. So it’s on me to “just get over it”. I feel that my feelings towards it are pushing him away and driving a wedge between us. But I just don’t know how to get over it. 

[smallwolf]

do you think that you should "just get over it"?

I have many thoughts - some out of curiosity and others of concern. That it is driving a wedge between you and spending more time alone. And does that make him drink more? I wonder whether you have/are able to tell him about the effect it is having on you/both. From the little you say about him otherwise, you love him very much and care about him.

have you heard of of thought at Al-Anon? - a group for partners of people who drink and get support from each other.

[Juliet_84]

Hi JeLo,

Hiding alcohol is a classic feature of alcoholism, and you are living with an addict so it’s no surprise to me that he tells you he doesn’t think it’s a big deal. But if it’s not a big deal then he should be able to stop, and I bet that he’s unable or unwilling to do that. Which tells you that it’s a bigger deal than he’s willing to admit. My partner started out just binge drinking when out on on weekends, then it progressed to binge drinking on the weekends at home too, then mid-week drinking was added. There are beer cans stashed all over the house, under the couch, so many in the garage, wherever I look there is a beer can and I try and clean them up but they constantly reappear. I know it’s meant to confound the situation so I don’t know how much he’s drinking but instead it makes me feel like I’m drowning in them. I have also noticed that his zest for life is basically gone. We used to go out to restaurants, ride bikes, do activities, go for walks of an afternoon, but that has all stopped. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s living such an unhealthy lifestyle now and has put on a lot of weight or if it’s the alcohol addiction itself that has sapped his motivation for anything other than drinking. At any rate, it makes me feel very alone, and when someone is stumbling around the house drunk telling me everything is fine, I feel even more alone. Addiction is not an easy road for any loved one and only you can decide what you want for your life (and you don’t have to make any decisions now). Do you have a good support network otherwise? I didn’t so I have made it a priority to strengthen that this year.  

[JeLo]

@smallwolf - unfortunately I think it’s either “get over it” or seperate eventually. We can’t keep doing what we’re doing. He definitely knows the effect it has on me. And he knows that I think his drinking habits are detrimental to himself and our family. But still, he doesn’t see it as an issue and most of the time thinks I overreact. He comes from a culture of incredible (and not in a good way) drinking behaviours  so has seen much worse than him. Which is WHY he doesn’t think he has a problem.

He would never go to an al-anon meeting but has suggested couples therapy. Not necessarily to “fix” him, but instead to see how we can live with this. He’s adamant that he doesn’t have the issue. 

[JeLo]

Thank you for your reply @Juliet_84, and I’m so sorry this is your situation. Your thoughts are mine exactly. I’m afraid that my husbands binging will soon detour down the route your partner took. 

Do you and your partner still talk? Or spend time together? Has he acknowledged the issue? 

I have a lot of people around me but no one I feel comfortable talking to about this. My husband is so ingrained and well liked in our family/friend circle that I’m afraid to tarnish anything by speaking about my concerns… hence why I’m anonymously posting here.

Good on you for working on yourself and your needs while you navigate through this. It’s not an easy road, and there will no doubt be hurdles to overcome. But being at peace knowing you’ve done everything you can will make the outcome, whatever that looks like, easier to process in the long run. 

[smallwolf]

what were thoughts about couple therapy?

thinking out loud here ... what would a therapist say about the drinking? my own thoughts re that it is not a healthy coping mechanism. But who am I to say such a thing.

[geoff]

Hello JeLo, this situatiuon is definitely not an easy problem to overcome, because for him, he's not doing anything wrong, however when you start cupboard drinking then there's a concern he's trying to hide.

There is a fine line between being a loving affectionate father, husband from Monday to Thursday, but then changing to only want his alcohol over the week end, including Friday night, as he feels he is entitled in doing this, while in contrast you feel the opposite and that's understandable.

The only way he will stop, because he won't be able to just have one or two drinks, is for him to make up his own mind that he wants to stop.

The more tense the two of you are is only going to make him drink more, either publicly or with his hidden alcohol and it seems as though you don't want him to drink at all, but he has other intentions.

Geoff.

Life Member.