I'm just having a really tough time

[shadowfox]

I've lived with depression for most of my life, but since my early 20s I've coped with it pretty well.

I've just ended an on again, off again relationship. I love him so much, I've never felt anything like this for anyone, but we just kept having problems. The more we tried to fix it, the worse it got. 

I've gotten really depressed over the fact that the two of us loved each other so much but kept having problems, so I've really ended it.

I've finally confided in close friends and family about how I've been feeling, and it turns out they've been worried about me for a while. i had made a little island of isolation for myself and shut everyone out. I'm talking to people every day now about what I'm going through and it's been so helpful knowing that people are willing to help me with the burden.

i went to my gp today to try to get a bulk billed referral to get some counselling, but i have to wait 4 weeks to see someone. It's so frustrating. I just really don't want to feel this way anymore.

it's also killing me that i know he's struggling and he won't be giving up or letting me go in his own mind. I know that this is the right thing because it shouldn't be so hard, but he doesn't understand why we can't keep trying. I'm so worried about him. He's distraught. I want to make sure he's okay but i can't speak to him. When the lines of communication open back up, he starts trying to talk me into giving it another shot and it kills me that i have to keep refusing and hurting him and myself at the same time.

I haven't been this depressed since my late teens. I was suicidal then. I'm not at this point, but i get a bit scared that it might spiral if I'm not careful. I know i have a lot of people who care about me and i am leaning on them and being supported, but i still just feel so helpless sometimes.

[Jacko777]

Hi shadowfox,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, I am sorry to hear you are struggling. I'm glad you have seen your GP, are you able to visit a relationships counsellor in the meanwhile? 

Would it help you if you could both agree to stay separated until you have visited the counsellor a few times, get some support and advice that will help you to gain some clarity before you commit to a decision. You could tell him that you want to be able to talk to him and want to wait to talk about your relationship when you feel better. What do you think?

Remember you can ring the Beyond Blue phone service if you are feeling low, they can help. 

Jack

[Zeal]

Hi Shadowfox,

Like Jack, I am also sorry to hear about your current situation.

I personally think you have done the right thing in ending your relationship, as you have recognized that it is resulting in too much hurt and struggle. As you have also recognized, you unfortunately cannot be the one to help your ex. It's a tough situation. Hopefully he will be able to get support from his family and friends. It's okay to send him a text giving him your best wishes and so on, but don't encourage spending time with him until you feel you are ready, and after a decent period of time has elapsed since the break-up.

Good on you for confiding in your close friends and family - this is hugely positive. Having emotional support is crucial when you are battling depression, and will also help you to not constantly think about your past relationship. I'm glad you are aware of your personal risk of having suicidal thoughts. You seem very self-aware, which will help you hugely in recovering from depression, and forging ahead.

Keep talking to and seeing your friends and family, and also keep in touch with your GP. Good luck with the counselling 🙂

Best wishes,

SM