I love her too much

Beebeebee · ‎09-01-2018

I am in a relationship for 5 yrs. We love each other very much, she is my best friend and vice versa. At first when i met her she has low self esteem but i managed to boost her confidence. She is one hell of a happy lady i ever met. Just last year i got a job and i had to relocate eventho she was hurting she supported me through it and she was so happy for me that i got a job of my dream. At the early stage of my relocation things were going on well. Until last August we had our very first argument and i literally texted her let quit. And for the very first time in our 5 yrs we didnt call or text each other and that lasted for 6 days. When i finally did all she said was why did i take so long to call. I realised that i didnt treat her well so i quickly got a transfer back to her. But things werent the same since that day. She completely shut down, she isolated her self, tge sight of me irritates her, she doesnt eat but gained weight. She told me she lost feelings for me. Nothing excited her any more. She said she is unhappy and something inside her is broken. We do text everyday but she refuse to hang with me or see me. I asked her if she wanted to see a counsellor, she told me shell think about it and let me knoe if she is ready to open up to a stranger. Since yesterday she hadnt reply my text i called her once she didnt pick up. I need your help. I dnt want to loose her. The only person she hangs out with now is my sister but she is out of the country. I want to help her, her unhappiness is killing me. I just want her to be alright. I know if she is alright things would come back to normal.

demonblaster · ‎09-01-2018

Hi beebee

Sounds like you have a strong friendship which I'm hopeful will help repair

You got the transfer back so you're close by again which is great, but it's sounding like she's going to need a bit of time. May I suggest keep in touch let her know how you feel & give her time. She could benefit talking to someone often strangers can be easier to connect with not having emotional connection.

I hope your job works out for you & that this does too, its clear you feel very strongly towards her. She may be more responsive too when your sister returns.

Hope to hear from you again

Thanks for posting tc

Beebeebee · ‎09-01-2018

Thanks Demonblaster.

I appreciate your reply. I got my work covered and that is a good thing. I am always in touch as well and surprisingly she does reply to my text messages. I stop persuing to repair the relationship as soon as Ive noticed she has changed. Now all my focus is on how she going to get help and hopefully bring her back to her normal life. Hopefully my next follow up on her seeing a counsellor would yield positive results.

demonblaster · ‎09-01-2018

Thats good shes answering texts

Interested to hear how it goes

Beebeebee · ‎13-01-2018

Update

Sshehe turned down my request. She said she doesnt think she is depressed. I told her there is no harm in talking to someone just to make sure she is alright but she is adamant. I dont know what to do next though.

demonblaster · ‎13-01-2018

Ahh thats a shame, somethings bothering her

I guess give her time as you are & she knows you care

Itd be very hard

White_Rose · ‎13-01-2018

Hello Beebeebee

Welcome to the forum. You are in a bit of a mess at the moment. Are you sure it's not you who needs some counselling? Your GF was loving and supporting and you threw her over via a text message. Do you have any idea how much that would have hurt? I imagine she was devastated. How do you think you would have felt?

Yes you rushed back once you realised how much she was hurting but have you tried to reassure her? Being hurt in this way is probably not a reason for seeing a counsellor. Not unless the situation is more serious. Loss of trust is dreadful. She thought you were the one person she could trust.

You said when you met she has self esteem problems. I think it very likely these have returned and she is unable to get past this. Can you imagine what this has done to her? Now you need to repair the damage. It seems to me from your post that you are blaming her for not being ready to go out with you again. You want her to see a counsellor but why are you not going? The counsellor can help you understand how much your GF has been betrayed and hurt.

You said, She completely shut down, she isolated her self, tge sight of me irritates her, she doesn't eat but gained weight. She told me she lost feelings for me. Nothing excited her any more. She said she is unhappy and something inside her is broken. You cannot expect her to believe in you straight away, she needs time. Let her enjoy the company of her friends and just be. Demanding that she be happy again does not work.

So have a chat to her if she will allow and tell her you care. Tell her you are sorry for hurting her. Ask what you can do to make amends. I suspect 'nothing' will be the answer but you have at least tried and she may be able to talk openly at some later time.

Let her know you are waiting and let her find her own way back. The down side is she may not want you back at all but this is a risk you have to take. So no nagging to cheer up, no further suggestions about seeing a counsellor or similar, Don't give up on her. She received a huge shock with that text message and it takes lots of time to get over something like this.

In the meantime, please keep talking here as we are all interested in how it all goes.

Mary

Beebeebee · ‎13-01-2018

Thanks very much Mary. I appreciate ur contribution. I honestly took all the blames. Prior to the text message, she told me she were drifting apart, that got me thinking because I was working hard to build a better future for us, I didnt get her right that honestly made me mad when i sent that text message but that really opened my eyes to see what we were missing in the relationship because we thought we were the very best of couples. I did see a counsellor and that has really helped me, that was the reason why I wanted her to see a counsellor may be it must helped her. My main objective is to see her happy again with or without me.

White_Rose · ‎13-01-2018

Hello Beebeebee

Thanks for your reply. I am very much in favour of seeing a counsellor of some sort if the need arises. It helped you and you wonder if it would help her. I think the two situations are quite different in this case. Your situation was quite straight forward. Boy meets girl, boy moves for career reasons, girl not sure romance will last, boy breaks up, girl is upset. I don't mean it is trivial or easy to repair, just that it follows a fairly straight line.

GF may have been disappointed that you moved even though she gave you her support. Perhaps she thought you would not stay together if she kept you back from your dream job. Perhaps she was lonely when you left and unsure of what to do next. Phone calls and text are OK for a while but lack the necessary ingredient of togetherness. Whatever the cause the romance was not working.

It is hard to see friends become couples and not be part of a couple. I know there are other things in life but you were together for a while and it takes time to get over that loss. I also wonder if the GF thought you were saying there was something wrong with her that she needed to go to a counsellor. I can imagine she would be surprised.

Can you see the series of events from her side? In a relationship for five years, then you move away for your career. That's not an unusual scenario and many people manage this and keep the romance going. In this instance it has not worked as well as both of you expected. Then you have an argument which may have been quite difficult for both of you and you text her to break up. I think I would be a little confused and quite hurt.

Clearly I cannot know what either or both of you expected and how the change has affected you both. You returned and I think many partners would be happy about it. Not your GF. It seems she is being told there is something wrong with her, no matter your intention. This is one of the problems with texting. Even a phone call includes has shades of meaning in the voice. Text is some letters on a screen. I think I am showing my age here.

The other variable is her original lack of confidence. This can have a lasting effect even when it seems the person has become more comfortable. Now she may be wondering if you ever cared about her. These comments are only one option or variable and may be completely wrong. What I have found is talking face to face gets the best outcome. To do this you both need to decide in advance how much you want to continue.

Mary

Beebeebee · ‎14-01-2018

Thanks again for your support.

I think she has made up her mind but what i do not understand is her recent change in life. The isolations, lost of interest in things she loves doing, easily irritated, loss of apettite, weight gain etc....

We have talked face to face but she doesnt want to talk about anything especially our relationship. It seems her mind is made up or the break up triggered something. I have gave her space. All we do now one or two text messages everyday. I do not want to give up on her I want to have a second chance with her. All i am today is because of her support now i am set i want to show her how appreciative I am. I want to show her I have always care and would do anything to make her happy. I do love her very much.