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I left my marriage for him and he went back to his marriage
Hi everyone this is so hard to write as I have so much to explain and no energy to explain as I'm hurting, I was married and It wasn't a healthy marriage - my husband neglected me and emotionally was abusive... I had an old crush message me via internet and we started what was an emotional affair ... he was also married and un happy we both have kids to our husband/wife. Things turned up after months of being emotionally reliant on one another, it turned physical and we would risk seeing each other late at night after work or briefly on weekends at the shops ect, I left my marriage for him, got a rental left all my furniture to my husband, my lover left his wife and moved in with his parents not too long after, his ex has power over him (their kids) that she use so to bring him back to the house (two times he has ended it with me and gone back to the house to be with his kids and he comes back after a week or so totally hurt because she's controlling him and he loves me) he's recently ended it with me but on the basis that he can't handle being away from his kids and he doesn't want them to think he abandoned them for his own happiness .... he's torn but his kids come first... none of my friends or family know my situation so I feel my heart is shattered and I can't even reach out to vent and I'm still in love with this man, what do I do if he leaves her again (for good) and how would I know it's for good... can I trust him... we have been vey honest and real with each other even confessing when we slept with our husband or wife and sharing how we felt about it ect... he's not lied to me.... so I trust him still.... tell me am I crazy and alone? Has anyone ever been in his situation or similar and ended up dumped and alone? Or has it ended up with u and ur lover being together and sticking through it hard times and all? Please help I'm a broken mess with a poker face on infront of my friends!
I'm afraid you are in a pretty horrible place and I don't think I have much in the way of words of comfort, not as things stand.
Escaping from a bad marriage is understandable, and finding love with someone else quite natural. The problem is commitment. By giving up your home and marriage you have made a substantial commitment to your lover. You don't mention what is happening to your kids, but it is something else where you have made a great sacrifice.
At the start it looked as if he had made a similar commitment to you, leaving home for his parents' place. However he has twice gone back. In some ways the reasons don't matter - though they are very understandable.
What does matter is that you are in second place, and after two attempts likely to remain that way. Perhaps one return might be regarded as a learning experience, two would be too much for me . I would never have that trust necessary for a complete relationship.
I'm only telling you what you already know I think. Any long term relationship - a partnership - is built on trust, kindness, honesty, the desire to look after and nurture one's partner. In such situations the partner has to come first.
There is a great temptation to think things will change, that by some sort of magic the obstacles will be overcome and all will turn out OK. I'm afraid where his kids are involved that is not going to happen and if he thinks being with his wife at home is the best thing for them - and has told you so, then I regret to say I'd consider the matter over.
It may be possible he will change his mind again, which I guess is what you are trying to prepare for. If you were to accept him back them you would probably be consigning yourself to one -or more - episodes the same as in the past as he would in all probability go back again, due to the same factors that pulled him back before.
The only scenario I would find acceptable, if it was me, is if he proved his intention and resolve by completing all stages of a divorce first, moving out and then approaching you.
Please have a look around this Forum for others with similar problems and how they coped. A good starting point might be the thread
I'm sorry I don't have more hopeful words for you. Please post again and say how you are going
It feels like you’re looking for answers at the moment, and understandably so. When we love someone, all logic can go out the window. We put on the rose tinted glasses and see only their good side, and blot out all the negatives.
Falling in love with someone who is not available, either because they are married, or don’t return the feelings, or lives far away, creates difficulties from the start because there is a conflict between what you want and what is possible.
There’s a lot of thoughts running through your head in your two posts, questions you’re asking yourself, and these are things you will need to run through in your own time and answer. I don’t believe I’m speaking out of turn by saying that none of us here can make these decisions for you.
I will pick up on one comment that you made in your last main post, “My self esteem was built back up by him and he's smashed it again by choosing to go back to her.”
Perhaps take some time to consider what the effect is on your life long term by allowing your self-esteem to be entirely at the behest of someone else. How much control does that give you over your life, and your goals for the future, if your entire self value is based on another person?
Coming from a marriage that you describe as neglectful and emotionally abusive, and now another relationship in which you are not “number one”, I wonder how much value you place upon yourself and your own needs.
I want you to know you are not alone. I am embroiled in a slightly similar situation, (divorce is proceeding though on his part and things are changing but the games and chaos ARGH!). His situation is so tedious and so forth it is near on impossible at the moment. But I am just doing my thing. At the end of the day he knows I am one foot out of the door. I am patient, yes. I am understanding, yes. I also know my worth, even though at the moment I don't feel it as much. But I am being selfish. I am not bending to accommodate him. I am not gratifying him in any way shape or form UNTIL I feel it reciprocated.
To be built up so high and to be getting the crumbs and never be important yet be the love of their life? = I just wanted you to know I understand exactly how you feel. My story is long and tedious and a bit different but fundamentally, those same feelings are generated, I understand. **hug**.
And every word by Jesse ! Great post.
My humble advice = focus on you. Be selfish. After all, that is exactly what he is doing right?