I know I did the right thing in breaking up, but ...
After being in a relationship for nearly 2 years, and after several recent splits and get-togethers in the recent past, I have finally made the final move and kicked out my partner from my home and from my life.
I met this woman on an online site , and she had just recently moved from Victoria to the NT.
Early in the relationship she seemed very, very keen. Then soon after started making regular disappearing acts to go exploring, or to stay with friends as she was tired and overworked. However, I never got to meet any of these friends, and later on they had apparently left the NT and were now gone for good. Odd events included flowers arriving at her work, and a text message of a suggestive kind that was apparently just an in-joke with a work mate. Things settled down once I actually said she could stay at my place and live with me.
Even then, she was always a bit secretive about her past, and her actions and behaviour at times erratic and easily ranging from deep love statements to fits of rage at the drop of a hat.
More recently after a nasty fight and throwing her out of the house, found out that much of her past as she had told me was fabrications. And even as we had been trying to patch the relationship, also found out she was still active in dating sites and strongly denying it when confronted with the evidence. Further found out when digging for answers that while in the early stages of the relationship she flew interstate with another man and booked a hotel for the weekend, and once again when confronted with this she just made more and more convoluted excuses.
The reality is that I know the relationship was never going to work, she drove a deep wedge between my friends with her lies, she was manipulative, and a compulsive liar. The thing is, that when things were good they are great, and intimately it could be fantastic. But at the end of the day I was living in denial and trying to keep a lie alive.
I know I have done the right thing, but the mix of hurt, betrayal, loneliness and longing for something that should have been are intense and at times overwhelming.
Anyway, right now just keep dipping into that well of darkness and even more so when trying to sleep at night.
She was attractive, charming, helpful ... but also compulsive liar, manipulative, and a fake. I know I did the right thing, but the hurt is strong and not sure out to make it go away. I am nearly 50, and I truly did think for a while she was the one.
Welcome to Beyond Blue and thanx for coming here and providing your post.
I don’t know if you’re going to feel ok by me saying this, but I will – “Mate, you are not alone”. This kind of thing happens and happens all too often. The thing with your situation though is a big difference to a number of others I’ve come across – in that you know you’ve done the right thing and that this had to end.
And you know, it’s a bloody hard thing to do – to get someone you’re living with to leave and so mega congrats to you for being able to do this.
How are you travelling at the moment? Are you feeling better for the decision you made? I sure hope so.
And speaking of mates, do you have any that you can catch up with and have a bit of a yarn and possibly share a cold one or two together with? No better time to do that than from this Saturday onwards for a fair while, as the cricket World Cup commences on Saturday. Don’t know if you’re a cricket lover, but I’ll be tuning in for sure.
One more thing; you attracted not so long ago, a lady who as you described was: attractive, charming, helpful; so she was kind and considerate, had an elegant manner about her and was very easy on the eye. What I’m alluding to her is, that your baited hook last time was able to land the aforementioned lady – when you feel the time is right, I say you burly up, bait that hook and cast it out – you’ve done it once, I’m very confident you can do it again.
I know exactly what happened to you and here is my evaluation!
We often (if we long for a deep and everlasting love) imagine that in the first partner which crosses our way. You projected your dream picture of your future partner on to her without KNOWING her really. I did a deep thinking in this matter and spoke to a professional too. Basically you need at least 3 months to evaluate and know a bit of your partner then start to judge and think if this person can be your partner or not.
You rushed into things, you judged her as your dream partner TOO early. She is basically a very wrong one for you. The grief is unfortunately on your side because you plunged yourself too quickly in the story which never existed.
Sorry for my honest reply but it is the truth.
please try to move on with any possible solutions which work for you and don't let her in your life anymore and be more careful next time. Think of the '3-months phase' and let your feelings develop after.
All the best
Thank you for your input, but unfortunately in my case I think the issue was a bit different. I had been in the dating game for almost two years after a divorce, and had met others that although nice, did not meet what I wanted.
This person (seemingly) ticked all the boxes, and also impressed my friends. But as time went on, and she only moved un after nearly 6 months, the lies and erratic behaviour became more apparent. The relationship became more and more unstable.
Having read more on this, and now having managed to contact other people from her past (as she was very evasive and had moved to in from interstate), it is now obvious that she is a compulsive liar and that there is a set pattern of behaviour of adulation and charm followed by instability and erratic behaviour and even cheating.
I became another prey along the way, and I am sure she has already latched on to someone (I pity the poor fellow).
Anyway, live and learn and move on. Better now than latter with greater financial involvement.
Thank you for your input. One thing I have been lucky with is having a great group of friends that have stood by me and have helped me along after the break-up.
Although it is still hard and I miss her company, I am fully aware I fell for an illusion and it would never work in the long term. Her pathological behaviour has destroyed relationships in the past, including with her own children and her parents, and would also drive a wedge between us and my friends ... and one does not live in a bubble.
Anyway, the fog is lifting and I am getting back into the swing of things.
Hi there Humby
Thanx heaps for your latest responses and that’s all very pleasing to hear – that you’ve got support mechanisms in place (if you do need them) but also that you feel ‘ok’ with everything and that the fog of that earlier time is lifting.
It’s always such a relief when it lifts and you can see blue sky again. I hope the blue sky remains big, bold and bright for you & that if in some way, by you coming here to Beyond Blue, it’s been of a help to you, then that would be brilliant. A good news story. 🙂