I just don't know what to do with my partner anymore. It's like I don't know who he is.

BEV-ANON · ‎23-08-2018

IMy partner is in a psych facility and came out for the day. I thought we were having an awesome time, he was a bit strange, a bit snappy and rude, but I didn't react to it and just kept being loving and kind. Honestly, that day I never felt more in love with him. Later that night he said he didn't want to go back to hospital, but wanted to spend the night we me. I was over joyed ! Again - I was so in love. We've known each other over 10 years, were together in our 20's and got back together about 2 years ago. He's always struggled with mental health after a bad childhood, but the past few months have been something else. Like I said, everything was going well, but out of no where, he got angry. He said I wasn't hearing him, but I reinterated what he said, and later agreed that I did hear him. In between he decided that he couldn't be with me anymore 'for these reasons' ie not listening, but then, like I mentioned, later agreed that I did hear him. His mood is all over the place. He's been depressed for years and is FINALLY getting help, but now, it's as though he blaming me for everything and isn't taking any responsibility or looking at his own actions. We were supposed to have couples counselling the other day, but the hospital cancelled it. the more I think about his behaviour, the more I think he has bipolar or a more 'serious' diagnosis that isn't being treated. I know I'm not perfect, but I also know I couldn't have caused this. He was so painfully irrational, I just wanted to soothe him to tell him that none of it was true. I was still me. I still loved him. And I still do. I'm going to leave him because that's what he's asked for, but I guess, I just don't understand what went wrong. How can he go for being this loving being one minute to something entirely different the next? How can he blame me for this? I'm not even heartbroken at this point, I'm just so confused. I have told myself that I would give him whatever support he needs, which I understand for now is silience. But I am worried about him, and I just want him to get the help he deserves. He's being self destructive, he's pushed everyone out of his life including me. He's become super critical, judgmental and sensitive in the past few months - it's not who he is, so what's happened? I would just love to hear from others. I'm a smart person, loving and kind, I know I couldn't have done anything so horrible, but I was told by someone close to him that I've 'done a lot of damage'. How?

Terry73 · ‎23-08-2018

Hi Bev,

Welcome to BeyondBlue, you are always free to voice what ever is on your mind here, no one judges others here and happy to give advice.

Sadly, I dont have answers for you, but I just want you to know you arent the only one out there who has had similar situations, I am one and still trying to work out the answers you are asking too.

I am just writing this to help show some support for your situation, and hope that helps reduce the trauma you are going through knowing that you arent alone out there.

If you find answers, feel free to share them on here if you feel comfortable in doing so

Terry

BEV-ANON · ‎23-08-2018

Thanks Terry.

It is really kind of you to offer such comfort. I wish I had answers for all of us.

I wish I could have just stepped out of that space the other day and let it be. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad. But I also know it's not me, even though I've been told by him and his family that it is my fault. I think that's the hardest part. I'm the only one who has supported him and given him unconditional love, and I'm been blamed for the state he's in. I'd never put him in a state like that. I know how deeply I love him, and I know it's just not possible for me to have caused this alone.

I think the other challenge is not knowing what will happen next.

Thanks again. I hope you're ok. I do think people who act so irrationally aren't well. That's the only answer I have at this point.

Guest_7403 · ‎23-08-2018

As someone with borderline disorder, reading what you say hes behaving like i think if you read the book "love me, don't leave me" you might have a better understanding of his thought process and why he does things that may seem completely irrational to you

Best regards

BEV-ANON · ‎23-08-2018

Thank you. Even the title of the book resonates very well with his behaviour. It's like a push-pull affect.

Thank you for you advice and you time. I very much appreciate it !

BEV-ANON · ‎23-08-2018

I should say that I do understand him quite well. He and I had similar experiences growing up, but learnt to cope in different ways. I see his patterns, and I understand them because I've had to overcome the same ones. I guess the difference is, I never lashed out the same way he does, and I need pushed people so far away like he is. I understand his behaviour is completely self protection mode, but he just can't see that he's safe, although I understand that sometimes, we feel the most unsafe in relationships because that is where we are most vulnerable. It's just that his behaviour is so erratic it's just painful for us both. Thanks again for your advice.

Guest_7403 · ‎23-08-2018

I understand, and I know you do have a good understanding of him.

Rule of thumb for me, the more erratic my behaviour and the harder I try to push my partner away is usually a sign of the severity of the inner turmoil going on inside my head that I cannot healthily release it....and thus as he has...completely implode on myself

A good way as I explain to my partner is that when I am in that frame of mind I have the rational ability of a 3 year old toddler...and it's not until I calm down that I can have a rational stable response to her questions or my issue

Everyone is different, you have to be patient, empathetic but never sympathetic when he is having an episode

I'm not saying he has bpd either, it's just that mental illness shares a lot of traits and symptoms as many other mental health issues

Good luck

BEV-ANON · ‎23-08-2018

Thanks again. You've given me a very helpful perspective. I really appreciate the time and energy you've taken to help me out.

thanks again 🙂

BEV-ANON · ‎24-08-2018

What I didn't mention in my original post is that he has Disassociation disorder. I understand that could explain a lot of his behavior, considering he has been avoiding getting help until now. I guess I am trying to rationalise a situation that has no real logic, except that he is sick. I guess I don't know what to do from this point. I'm tired. He blames me for everything, but he's the sick one. I know I'm searching in a lot of places for logic that just can't be found. I know I'm not crazy, but I feel it.

Guest_7403 · ‎24-08-2018

Yes sounds about right, sounds like he doesn't have the coping skills to deal with what he's thinking/having problems with

And thus disassociates from himself in order to self soothe and give himself a break

It's hard to be a partner and help someone that hasn't yet accepted his way of processing thought and feelings is not healthy

But don't get me wrong, in his mind his problems are legitimate and most likely are, it's just the way he reacts and deals with those thoughts isn't healthy

As I learnt when your problems are psychological more so than chemical imbalances....no amount of medication makes a different

Hopefully a professional can help him to understand, as more then likely because he has an emotional relationship with you he won't be open to listening to you about it

Do you know his different personalities that come out to deal with certain types of issues?

Anger? Punitive? Defensive? Inner child etc