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I have hurt the love of my life
Hi all, this is my first time posting but I need some advice.
Over eight years ago I was in a toxic relationship and also had kids with this person. The relationship has ended and I have gone through the most rough break up whilst being a mother to my children. To cut a long story short it has ended up being in family court for many years and was settle for 50/50 custody as time went on the kids father has manipulated for my children to dislike me as there mother and was taking them all of time which has now resulted in the kids wanting to live there father. I could of taken it back to court but when is enough is enough. Since than I have tried moving on my life to the best of my ability I have suffered grief, separation aniexty from not seeing my kids and some days are better than others. Which I have only not had the kids in care for two years now.
Moving forward in the last 12 months I have been a relationship that is loving and the complete opposite to what I have experience. He loves me, compliments me, supports me everything you ever want in relationship. This guy is my soul mate and I thought he was the one. Every time I struggle with my emotions I don’t open up about it with dealing with my past I bottle it up to the point I have outbursts of anger and aggression and hurt the person that loves and supports me.
i hate my self for it after I am remorseful and which I could take it all back but i have taken it too far but when it is happening I am out of control and unable to stop myself having these anger outbursts and being so hurtful towards my partner which he has not caused. The problem I believe that I do not deserve to have partner that treats me so well, I lack a lot self confidence because of my past and always seek validation because of how I have been treated in the past. I need help to able to stop destroying the person I love and to stop destroying our relationship and be able to control my emotions and move forward in my life and being the person I am 80% of time not the evil person with anger outbursts. Our relationship is happy when I don’t do this and we are both happy but when my emotions get to me I always feel that there is no end to these feelings and I am not happy about anything.
some advice or help to help me move forward and enjoy life will be very much appreciated.
I have a few comments.
So you've obtained 50/50 custody in a past court ruling however you did allow, at a later period, for your ex husband to collect the children more often than 50%. I'm sorry but when that occurs the normal avenue is to 1/ deny him the extra time and communicate to him that you want and are entitled to your full 50% 2/ if that is unsuccessful eg he keeps the children more than 50% you seek a solicitors letter of the consequences 3/ return to court. To have the conclusion " I could of taken it back to court but when is enough is enough." you have made the decision to allow it to continue. I'm sorry but that points to a decision that might not have been the right one.
So, the much less than 50% of seeing your kids and that they have moved to live with their father has taken its toll. Re: " I have suffered grief, separation anxiety from not seeing my kids....". This situation is actually more common with fathers and all non custodial parents. I was in a visitation arrangement, a common one with my kids eg every second weekend and some school holidays. Being that "part time parent/father was seen by their mother as less of a parent than she was. This is not so and the father of your children being once a 50% custodial father equal imput to their lives as you are is just as much a parent as yourself. Gender is irrelevant. Mother is no more important than father unless one parent detaches themselves from the childrens lives.
However the demonising factor by their father to the children is unacceptable. I'm interested in what evidence you have gathered about this? For example the kids might simply feel happier at dads house for whatever reason. My eldest daughter at 12yo left her mothers home to live with me and never returned to her mums place only to visit for a few years then decided at 17yo not to have a relationship with her in any way. It had zero influence from me in fact I encouraged visits. Sometimes the chemistry just isnt there. Demonising or manipulation, even spoiling the child isnt illegal even if it is evil or not right...sadly
I think its best to get any visitations to your kids even an hour or two together somewhere and keep the connection running and be there for them. Secondly, to try and appreciate that they do have a father that remains active in their lives as many parents do not. Manipulation or not, your children have their own mind allowing freedom of choice. But it is hard as I well know.
1] losing your children, and
2] fear of losing your current partner.
Although seemingly disparate, they are one and the same.
Do you feel the angry outbursts accounted for some degree of the dissolution of your former relationship? This maybe be real or just guilt and self blame, but after two years you are associating one with the other, possibly blurring the boundaries in your distress and exhibiting self sabotage in retribution for any perceived errors - not fighting for custody may yet be another identifier.
If your children were adolescents or older, I would allow them to self determine who they live with; but they are extremely young and impressionable and, despite any untoward bribery/coercion from your ex, they very much need your input to raising balanced and grounded individuals - nothing should change for their benefit, and that would include introducing them to (and sharing in) your new life where your current partner will only enhance the relationship with them and you in the process.
It's nothing to do with 'winning' or even being best of friends - it's still your parental duty/right (and naturally it will add quality to your life also). In time, they may still choose one over the other, but that's the same whether married or separated.
Toxic or otherwise, you will need to be strong to endure dealings with the ex. Put on a smile and keep things civilised - you are now "associates with a portfolio of children to manage". The return will be from the love you give to (and surely receive from) your children - I don't think you really want to walk away from that, and I can't help but think that your quest to enjoy life may be inextricably linked to this end.
Hello Saddays, having a 50/50 relationship with your kids is just that, and no one is entitled to have any more unless this has been decided between you and your ex and accepted by both of you.
He should not have the kids more than 50% and to manipulate them to dislike you is certainly not on, prepare yourself for what you believe he's told them and then show them that he's wrong.
You don't know why or how he's been able to do this, whether he's bought them, in other words, buy items they really like which is why they believe what he says, but this will eventually end and that's when your love will take over, help them with problems, confer with them about decisions that will benefit them, rather than buy something that will make them happy.
With your current partner tell him what happens when you have outbursts, let him help you through these problems, rather than blocking him off because if you do this it will damage the good relationship you have with him, I'm sure he wants to understand what's happening.
Let him help you, because 'he loves and supports you and he's your soulmate', if he does this with you, then he'll ask you for help when he has a problem.
Ask him how to win your kids back.