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I HATE my father.
I hate him. I hate him so badly. And that mother believes everything he says.
Everyone at school thinks I'm that good, caring, quiet, diligent girl. They'd be shocked if they knew I was writing this post, but I don't truly believe I'm a good person. I honestly feel like I'm going insane.
I'm not saying my hate towards my dad is not justified. He's gone ahead with many violent acts towards me, everything. He has horrific temper issues that he can't control, and as a result, I want to inflict the same pain towards him. The only reason I don't is because I truly don't want to hurt anyone, but lately I can't stop thinking about it. I want to see him beg for mercy in front of me, sobbing, telling me that he's sorry. I want him to feel pain, and I hate that about myself.
I've been having a rough time already; my school grades haven't been great despite the fact that i've stayed up past 4am studying, and my parents won't believe me when I say i've been working hard. They keep accusing me of playing games instead of working. I really don't, but they don't care. They hurt me. I truthfully tell them I'm working, I beg them to listen, but they threaten me. They tell me I'll get in more trouble if I keep 'lying'. I'm left to the point where I live no choice but to lie and pretend I was playing games. It's not fair. They don't understand me, they never will.
Sometimes I feel so much rage that i can't contain myself, I clench my fists and the rage builds to the point where I feel as if my head will explode. I've been hurt so much over these years, and I just want someone to understand how I feel. My parents won't ever understand unless they feel it themselves. I hate life, I hate everything. I just want this to be over. Someone, please help me... I'm so scared and I need someone so badly. Why doesn't anyone care about me? Why won't anyone just listen to me? Why don't I have anyone? I've done everything I could, i've been there for people when they've needed me... why is it that once I need someone, I find myself all alone? I was honestly mad when I began writing this, but now I feel as if I can't crying. What's happening to me?
We are sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time with your mum and dad and have been feeling so much rage. Please know that we take reports of abuse seriously and that we are here to listen and support you as much as you need.
Our Support Service are trying to reach you via email as we are worried about you.
If you are in immediate danger, please call 000.
If you are not in immediate danger 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) is a great resource that offers counselling and support services for people experiencing family violence and abuse.
Keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it.
I have been where you are and because I didn't deal with it when I was young, now at age 45 I'm dealing with it now - not the abuse anymore but the feelings and anxiety that it caused.
You have taken the first step in reaching out for help and that is awesome!, there are lots of wonderful people here as I have found just in the last few days who will offer a listening ear and great advice. This is a wonderful safe place.
Please do follow Sophie_M's advice, call the number (1800respect), they will help you to be safe and offer great support.
And do please keep checking in and letting us know you are ok, you are not alone and we care. Please vent at much as you need to here, I personally have found just typing it out has helped to let it go.
I will be checking back in to see how you are going x
I am a 17 going on 18 year old guy, i have had very similar problems. My mother does/didnt believe the serious diseases i had were as bad as i said, not even when a professional told her so and it created constant stress and damage on me for almost 3 years.
Its hard, truly and i understand, parents that just refuse to understand and think that you lie, even when you dont by nature, is really hard.
I am not sure how much you get into philosophy, however a lot of key philosophers of our time make some very good points when going through hardship, Ghandi or Mandella being idealistic ones. The foremost mentality you want to avoid is going for vengeance, it makes you no better than them and won't fix a single thing.
Realise that their intent is good, for you to have a good future. Though an old school mannerism they adopt, the intent is good, reply with good intent as well, but good intent does not mean be nice, it means to help them and you, or to help them help you.
A first step i would take is ask them if you could go to a family therapist with them, as the attitude they take is damaging upon you. Over working a young human only leads to negative outcomes in adult hood, you seek what you lost in child hood and take it on in naivety and find create bad patterns and traits, but also damage your mental state which in adolescents can be terrible on brain development. Use arguments such as this in your favour, find facts and offer able proof that what they're doing is wrong then propose that you should get professional opinion.
If they refute the idea of going to a family therapist, become a provocateur, tell them that the only reason they don't want to go is because they dont want to be wrong. Guilt can be used well here too, describe to them how bad it actually affects you.
If they do not come to any understanding, use other family, grandparents, uncles or aunts as stability for your argument and get them on your side to agree and persuade your parents. If nothing works, you can try pushing through it, or better off, propose going to boarding school, you would be surprised how much freedom you actually get there. For traditional minds that would seem optimal for them, however a lot has changed in our era.
I hope you find some solution.