I had an affair

[SJC123]

Hi all,

I’m new here... but about my story. I had affair a few years ago and lost my marriage. Went for 3 months and came clean to him to try and save things. But it became apparent quite early that he didn’t care and just wiped me. No amount of fighting would have worked. He told everyone lies about me including the kids, was called names. You say it he did it. I know what I did was wrong.

But I can’t forgive myself, the shame guilt. Having this hang over me I feel it defines me as a person and I will never be able to move forward.

not really sure what I am asking. Just need to be able to live with the guilt

[SarahZ]

Hello SJC123,

Welcome to the forums and thank for reaching out. It's very courageous to reach out about such a sensitive topic and it sounds like you went through a very emotionally difficult time. I'ms saddened to hear how your ex-husband told lies about you and your children. I can't imagine how painful that must have been for you. I can tell that you have very deep insight into your actions and can tell you are very regretful for what happened. I'm sure you didn’t wake up with the intention to hurt your husband, I'm sure you were hurting a lot yourself. Just because you had an affair doesn’t make you a bad person. Was it a poor decision? potentially, but sometimes people are hurting so much they express it in different ways.

How are you feeling these days? I would love to know a little more about you and all the things that actually define you! what are your hobbies? how would you describe yourself? what do you enjoy doing in your spare time?

Wishing you all the best and sending you positive thoughts! x

[SJC123]

My self esteem is very poor. I live for my kids and go to work, not myself. I put on a very good show. Nobody will ever want to be with me because of my poor decision. I used my life to distract myself and don’t want to go back to that post COVID. I want some joy out of life

[Guest909]

G'day SJC

Don't be so hard on yourself; we all make mistakes; no one is perfect.

If you can't change the past, try and change the future. There are men out there in a similar situation, looking for someone just like you to share a life with. All you have to do is look; if that is what you want.

If you are ready to move on, try signing up to eharmony or something similar. You may have to swat off a few pigs, but you might just find what you are looking for. If you break a few hearts, your self esteem will improve. I'm not suggest a fling, but something meaningful if that is what you want.

Don't underestimate yourself. You are now a wiser person that you once were.

Always happy to talk if you want an ear to bend.

Paul

[quirkywords]

SJC

i too welcome you to the forum and thanks for reaching out.
It is so hard to be honest and admit our past mistakes.

you made a choice and have experienced consequences.

i know how easy it is for guilt to eat away at you and then wreck your life

You are clever and self aware. I think you have to know you learnt from your choice and try not to punish yourself.

feel free to post here whenever you want.

[geoff]

Hello SJC123, thanks for being brave enough to post your comment, I'm sure it was a difficult decision to make, but you're not alone.

We often wonder why we cheat on our spouse/partner but feeling unappreciated, neglected, ignored or perhaps not being rewarded for the tireless effect we have put into doing something, expecting ravenous applause turns out that nothing happens but is done so by another person and that's where a connection is born.

It's not necessarily your fault because both spouses/partners maybe both to blame, although at times it's not seen that way, which seems to be your situation, and I can't make any judgement here.

Your love for him eventually wanted you to tell him you've accepted it was a poor decision but being rejected as he wants to forget about you, that doesn't mean your interrogation and love will subside from loving your kids, it won't and they definitely need you in encouraging and help in developing their future.

Take care.

Geoff.

[SarahZ]

Hello SJC123,

Thank you very much for taking the time to respond. I'm saddened to hear that your self-esteem has been really low and how you have to put on a show for others even though you are hurting deep down inside. It must feel so exhausting pretending you are happy in front of your kids and colleagues when in reality you are hurting so much. I'm grateful you felt comfortable enough to reach out to these forums and share your story.

I think you might find it benefiting getting in touch with some professional support by reaching out to the friendly counsellors available 24/7 on 1800 512 348. Alternatively, theres is an organisation called ReachOut, which provides some helpful tips on their website on how to deal with low self-esteem and negative thought patterns. Even though this website focuses on helping under 25s , I think a lot of the advice they provide are applicable to all ages. Hopefully you can find something helpful!

https://au.reachout.com/articles/10-tips-for-improving-your-self-esteem

https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-to-challenge-negative-thoughts

I think you have a great deal of introspective awareness and are really remorseful for your actions. I think it is also heartening to hear that you are seeking joy still and it seems like a goal that you have no completely given up on - it's still on your radar. Hopefully these forums will be somewhat helpful for you. We are here to listen to you and provide you with support.

Wishing you all the best x

[geoff]

Hello SarahZ, you have raised an excellent point, these web sites that help people up to the age of 25 are able to provide information that can help both sides.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Guest_3256]

Hi SJC123.

It's very brave of you for reaching out to the forum for support through these difficult times. You mention that you had an affair and then when you admitted what you had done, his reaction was that he didn't care and wiped you and now you are here for advise on how to deal with your guilt. You have already done a big achievement by coming here for advise. Have you begun seeing a health professional about these feelings of guilt, if not, start by talking with someone, whether they are close friends that you can trust, speaking with understanding family members or a councilor. The best thing is to talk with someone (non-judgmental) and open up to them as much as possible. Also work out a really good 'a c t i o n - p l a n' that you can comfortably follow, something with steps, maybe some goals and work on achieving as many as you can and consistently. Whether or not you suffer from a mental illness, you have the power and the ability to change or improve you own behavior. If it's a hyper-sex-drive, depression, some form of behavioral difficulty - aim to love yourself more - work on what you need to do to fill in the gaps in your life - many people believe that sexy-time will resolve their issues - let's be honest and direct - that is a lie. Sex is something only two closely connected lover can experience - not for people to use and abuse. You need to not abuse yourself (if I may say) but to learn to love and appreciate who you are.

Good luck. Be strong you are better than you think.