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I fell for another woman but have a young family
This is my first post. I’ve been in a marriage with my wife for 13 years and never looked at another woman. This changed 7 nights ago and I fell hard. Things haven’t been great between my wife and I for a couple years. We don’t have sex, we snap at each other we fight about stupid stuff. I’m a small business owner and I’ve had some pretty rough times over the past 24 months and it’s taken a toll on both our lives. We have 2 kids under 6 and a beautiful home. My wife is gorgeous and an extremely caring person. We love each other but I don’t know if we’re in love. I’ve also been battling severe anxiety for years now. Almost crippling . So it’s rare I go out. I’m 35 and was out with my friends last weekend and another woman showed some interest in me. We had a flirt and that was that. However as I was leaving to go home I bumped into her again and she gave me her number. Out of curiosity I texted it. Never done that before while married. Turns out she’s 42 divorced with adult children, extremely beautiful down to earth and a strong independent woman. We chatted intensely for a week and met up. She sent me texts saying she missed me and wanted to see me(she knew I was married). Through the corse of around 7 full nights of text and 4 visits we kissed .. 3 times and It was electric. I finally told her today that it had to stop as I was falling (had fallen) for her. She doesn’t want feelings involved and agreed that it wasn’t the best time to peruse this for both of us. I’ve deleted any contact I could possibly have with her and she is ok with not continuing this as it’s hurting me that I can’t be with her. I feel crazy it’s only been a short time but I know when I know. I don’t know what to do with myself as all I can do is think about her. But it can’t happen. Not only is she not ready for a relationship due to divorce proceedings but doesn’t want to break up my family. I don’t want to lose my family either, but I don’t know how to suppress these feelings I have for her. It’s most likely over now I’ve poured my heart out to her and she felt the same but it wasn’t right. How do I get over this, how do I stop thinking about how happy it made me feel ? It’s causing my anxiety to spike and to lose sleep. I know it’s my fault I should have left it alone but it just felt right at the time. Any advice would be greatly appreciated
Hi D, welcome
I wont lecture you, you are doing enough of that yourself. However you do need to clarify to yourself the direction your life is heading because you are very unhappy.
This process would be best to include a family/relationship counselor for you and your wife on the official basis of your general unhappiness and sort it out with your wife. I don't think it serves any positive purpose to mention the "fling" stuff.
Yes, it isn't wise to pursue this other woman at this time. To give everything to your marriage at this time is the right thing to do for your small family. Clarity is worth seeking. Then if it doesn't work out - you have no regrets.
Welcome to the forum Djl001, good to have you here in your quest for self-understanding and direction
Personally, I'm big on quests and in being so was open minded when someone suggested to me not too long ago that I explore the concept of 'The shadow self'. Whilst this may sound to some like 'dark oogedy-boogedy stuff' (or however folk wish to phrase it) it really is a fascinating topic when it comes to personal insight.
One of the things I came across while exploring this topic involved 'Why people have affairs'. Don't know if you can relate to any of it but I'll put it out there anyway:
They say that the shadow self is that part of us that is denied, for one reason or another. It involves something we are being denied or something we are repressing (denying our self):
- I am a somewhat sexual being. Being sexual excites me. I want to feel sexual and excited. Who, beyond myself, offers me the opportunity to feel like a sexual and excited being?
- I am a somewhat peaceful being. Being peaceful comforts me. I want to feel peace and comfort. Who, beyond myself, offers me the opportunity to feel peace and comfort?
- I am a somewhat attractive, down to earth, strong and independent being. Being attractive, down to earth, strong and independent reassures me of my value. Who, beyond myself, offers me the opportunity to feel attractive, down to earth, strong, independent and valuable?
I could go on but I'm sure you get the gist.
Perhaps the reason as to why 'it felt right at the time' was because it often feels right when we reconnect with who we really are. Going beyond in order to fully feel like our true self can lead to questionable opportunities and outcomes.
I'll give you a scenario which is extreme yet have a think about how you would relate to it:
Tomorrow night, your wife comes up to you and says 'Darling, how about we begin exploring the down to earth magic of reconnecting through tantric sex'. She throws on some peaceful relaxing meditation type music, lights some candles to further inspire the mood and then says 'Be that strong powerful man I know you to be!' You reconnect with your masculine energy as you both enjoy empowering moments of control and excitement. You evolve into the person you long to be, with your wife.
In some cases it's not necessarily about the person we're with, it can often be about us fully expressing and experiencing our most authentic powerful self/nature. The shadow self has the potential to remind us of who we truly are.