I feel uncomfortable about some things my Mum has said to me

[be_me_be_you]

Hello all,

My Mum thinks it would be a good option if myself and my siblings bought a house together. It's logical; we have trust in each other, we're used to living together, and it ensures ongoing family support. Additionally, three incomes will make it an easy process.

I am apprehensive about the commitment involved though. It doesn't match up entirely with the future I wanted. I don't feel like it leaves me enough room to develop my own independence. A few times I have posed: "What if I met someone and started a relationship? What if we wanted to live together? I don't want to be in a situation where I would have to choose to abandon my siblings." In the past, Mum has countered this by saying surely my siblings would just buy me out of my share of the house and it would be fine.

The other day she said something different though. She said "I don't think you really want a relationship. You're getting close to turning 30 and that's making you question things. You know, like how some women's hormones kick-in and make them want a baby even when they didn't want one before. You just have to wait it out, and then you'll realise you didn't really want a relationship at all." (Just as a side-note, I don't want a baby. I'm pretty firm on that point.)

I've been replaying this in my head a lot. I'm really in two minds about it. It's not an entirely untrue statement. I am questioning things as my 30th approaches. Relationships are risky. There's a lot of terrible people out there, and I barely know anyone who hasn't been stung badly. I feel embarrassed and abnormal because I've only really had one short relationship in my early 20s, and I tell small lies to people who don't know me to make myself seem more like other people my age. I feel like I'm running out of time to catch up. Also, I'm not a fan of big commitments. But hey, not all relationships have to be serious, right?

On the other hand, I feel like this was a big statement for my mother to make about my own feelings. I don't think she's taken into account that "just waiting it out" leaves me facing a whole lifetime of "what-ifs". If I act on her statement, it also serves to ensure she gets her own way with my life choices.

I'm running out of characters to type, and I don't want to get too personal with the details, but obviously there are other complex things going on here too. What I want to know is, if you were a "fly-on-the-wall" for our conversation, what would your feelings be about it?

[monkey_magic]

Hi be me be you,

What you want to do with your life financially and personally is completely up to you. You're an adult so your choices matter.

I think your mum has your best interests at heart by suggesting you all buy a house together- I mean it's security for the future but I found the relationship comment strange.

It's like she doesn't believe that's on the cards for you to perhaps influence your choices but I disagree. There are many thriving relationships out there and it could be in your future.

If you want to be in a relationship I say go for it. You sound like an independent person whose also thinking of your own future.

I'm a fem, 38 and my hormones didn't make me want to have a baby. One size doesn't fit all people.

I wish U the best of luck in whatever it is you choose to do.

[White_Rose]

Hello Be me you

Welcome to the forum. This is a good place to talk about the matters that trouble you and how you feel.

May I ask a couple of questions? Why does your mom want you to leave home and buy a house with your siblings? Does she feel you need more independence. What do your siblings think about this suggestion? Are they interested in buying a home together? And most important of all, do you want to leave the parental home and buy a house jointly with your siblings?

If you did enter a relationship you wanted to continue would that be very bad? If and when this happened you could make the decision about selling your portion of the home to your siblings then.There is no need to go though all the potential future scenarios and make decisions that would otherwise arise in the future. There are some things you cannot know how to handle and what you would do because there are so many variables.

I think you are making one package of two decisions. 1. to jointly buy a house, and 2. how you feel about a personal relationship. It seems to me they are separate questions. You can buy a house and continue your life as it is except for the living arrangements, you can decide to remain at your parents home and continue your life style. This is one decision and does not depend on anything else. You need to decide what you want to do.

The second part is also a stand alone decision. You may avoid all relationships for the rest of your life except for family. You may make an effort to find a partner or you can wait and see what happens in this part of your life. You do not need to use one decision as the basis for making another decision. I hope that makes sense to you.

You feel you may be being manipulated by your mother and this may be true. I don't know and cannot tell by the brief summary you have given. In any event it is not up to me to tell you what to do other than say it is up to you to make these decisions. Talk to your siblings about buying a house and see how they feel.

What goals do you have for your own life? Have you made up your mind what you want to do.? It is an important decision to make. Write down your goals and see how they fit into your current lifestyle. Can you achieve them by staying at home or do you need to be away from home. I suggest you start planning for your future and see how these other suggestions fit in.

Mary

[be_me_be_you]

I will try to answer your questions. I think my Mum is concerned about our future and what will happen to us when she is gone. She has some mental health and physical health stuff going on, so her "impending death" is on her mind a lot (be that from suicide or illness, she talks about both). It's not so much a matter of her wanting us to leave the parental home, but she wants us to make a future together. My siblings seem to find that to be the best solution as well. I am the only person who seems to be having any apprehension about it. At this point, I would likely avoid entering a relationship in the first place because I would feel like I was venturing too far outside of the status quo for the family by doing so. I feel like if I just go along with these plans then I will be this way forever. All of my decisions will be made through the lens of "how disruptive will this be to everyone else?".

For many years I had a personal goal of leaving home by myself. I felt like I would develop a stronger sense of my own identity this way. I think my family would feel like I'd abandoned them if I leave though. They get quite upset if I bring it up. I was hoping that if I waited a few years for my siblings to get settled into adult life that they would eventually develop similar cravings for independence as myself, but they only seem to have cemented in this plan of remaining as one unit more strongly! (They have their own issues with anxiety etc. that I would like to see them get help for, but that's just another issue on the pile I guess).

Sometimes I think I should talk to a professional but I'm too scared that their advice will just be "do what you want" and then I'll be back to square one of "but that will upset my family". I want a solution for everyone.

[Sophie_M]

Hi be me be you,

It sounds like you're feeling quite stuck in this situation. We understand that you are also feeling concerned for your family and want the best outcome for them as well. We think you are a very caring person.

It sounds like there is a lot going on with your mother as well, and this might be quite overwhelming for you. You might find the following resource useful:
"Worried about someone suicidal" https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/worried-about-someone-suicidal

It might be worth getting in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships. They might have some ideas on how to communicate openly and navigate this situation in a way that works for everyone.

Please feel free to reach out here anytime you feel up to it.