I feel totally worthless

Matchy69 · ‎05-02-2018

I am constantly abused with text msgs by my ex.She makes me feel like totally worthless person.She has to have my number as we kids together and if i dont reply to her msgs she just keeps sending more nasty ones and tells me she is going to do it for the rest of my life.I spend most of my days crying and i cant go through another year of this.

FragileFamily · ‎05-02-2018

Hey mate, I'm going through a similar thing though it sounds like your ex is alot more hostile than mine. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Being there for the kids is the only thing getting me through right now and I know I need to be there for them. Feel free to share more of your story if you like. Maybe look at trying to set some boundaries with her. When the first text comes in say something like sorry I'm busy you right now I will get back to you or maybe read up on how to mirror aggression. She could be angry with herself and taking it out on you. Chin up mate it's the only way through.

bindi-QLD · ‎06-02-2018

Hi Matchy69,

I am so sorry your ex is using your communication about joint custody of your children as an opportunity to abuse you. I can really understand your feelings of helplessness and depression, its such a terribly difficult position to be in 😞

Please don't give up, I believe there are things you can do to improve the situation. For now, here are some things you could do to help yourself:

- You could stop reading the verbal abuse. If upon first glance the message seems abusive, don't read it.

-Stop responding to the abuse. Many abusive people only abuse for a reaction, so ignoring them is the best strategy. Her efforts may escalate in the short term, that is normal. But then its very likely she will realize she's not getting what she wants and lose interest. Try this for a period of months, rather than days.

-Insist that communication about your children is all in email. Do not talk on the phone.

-You could inform her that you will be keeping records of her abuse to seek legal counsel.

-You could ring legal aid and ask for advice about court orders and restraining orders.

Most importantly, please take care of your mental health. If you have not seen your GP or a psychologist, please make that a priority. You sound like you are a lot of pain, and you could use a lot of support right now.

Wishing you the best!

Matchy69 · ‎06-02-2018

Thanks for advice.I last year went through a divorce and for 12 months my ex would not let me see my kids for no reason,only to hurt me.When in mediation i got joint custdy and to have the kids every second weekend and half school holidays but my ex wouldnt sighn it unless i gave her my mobile number and i happply gave it to her thinking she might have changed.Now i regret giving it to her.I am not the only one she attacks,she harrases my family and friends on facebook sending heaps of msgs trying to get information from them,putting me down and even asking my female friends if they are my girlfriend.I don't go on facebook anymore and don't even talk to all see my friends anymore.

bindi-QLD · ‎07-02-2018

Hugs Matchy69,

I am so sorry that you and people you know are being harassed and intimidated by her. I can understand your anxiety and depression, its very hard to go through something as awful as ongoing abuse and harassment, from someone you once loved and had children with. I can imagine the strain you are under. Do you have a girlfreind or anyone for support? Do your friends and family understand? I hope there is someone, its so hard to go through it alone.

Regarding your mobile number, I was wondering, would you be able to change it, and make her communicate with you in writing via email only? Its important for you to keep evidence of her abuse, don't let her abuse you over the phone in secret. Make her write it down, so you can get the proper legal help if necessary.

You said giving her your number was part of your custodial agreement , but have you double checked that the agreement states that it has to be a mobile number? I think you need to check this with a lawyer, or free legal aid. I don't think it is reasonable for her to demand a mobile number in order to see your children. What if you lost it? Surely email communication would be enough?

Please check that with someone legal, and discuss the ongoing abuse and harassment. I don't think you are powerless, there are some laws that can help you.

Also, please see a psychologist, at least for some proof of how she has affected you.

Ideally, just blocking her on facebook and refusing to talk to her when she abuses you would be enough, but she sounds very determined to harm you:(

What do you think, would you be able to manage any of that?

Matchy69 · ‎07-02-2018

Thanks for the hug,I really need one.I have been seeing a phchologist for the last few years.She told me what she was doing to me was mental abuse,it has totally destroyed me.I dont talk to anyone anymore.I dont think i could ever be in a relationship again.I use to talk to my cousin but last year his brother committed suicide which has really effected us.

I had blocked my ex on facebook but she has fake profile.Only my family can see my post now.

I can understand my ex wanting my phone number when i have the kids and my kids autism and special needs,but she is just abusing the right to have.I have taken screen shots of some of her msgs and sent some to my solicitor and her advice was to ignore it.Which is something i cant do.

bindi-QLD · ‎08-02-2018

Hi Matchy,

I can understand how difficult it is for you to have boundaries with your ex, when she makes so many threats and becomes more abusive. That makes setting boundaries hard, but not impossible. i feel you just need a little help with that.

I was wondering what has your psychologist suggested so far? Psychologists are really fantastic for helping with boundaries, and so supportive. You said your psychologist was able to identify your mental abuse, did you go a little further, and discuss Boundaries too?

Please remember, you can introduce boundaries softly and gradually if you are dealing with someone highly volatile and threatening. There are many things you can do....turn your phone off on weekends, except for a set time to check messages. Ignore abusive messages completely. You can choose to interpret her abuse differently too- instead of blaming yourself and thinking you are worthless, you can decide to see it as her issue, not yours.

It sounds to me you just need a little help to raise your confidence, and start making those changes. You are not helpless, and you are a worthwhile person.