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I feel so angry right now......I don't know where its coming from.....
The last few weeks have been very difficult. My 15 year old son decided without communication that he is pretty much moving to his Dads. He is gradually moving more and more things to his Dads. He has never lived with his Dad, I've been the sole parent this whole time. I've asked my son to tell me what's going on but his responses change with each person he talks to so I don't really know what is happening. I'm feeling depressed, anxious and angry which I've seen my psychologist about and I am trying to work on. I'm trying hard to do what all the websites say - don't take it personally, it turns out this is very hard to do.
So this has been happening and then I had a text message from a friend who was supposed to show up at my house for my daughter's birthday with no explanation and very short messages - I asked if I had upset her somehow but didn't get a very real response. She is going through some tough times also so I understand but I guess I feel rejected there and feel like one of my children is rejected which I know is not the case - she had a great day - but I FEEL rejected. Then not one of my family members or close friends text me or rang for her birthday - this happens every birthday and it hasn't really effected me before - except a little annoyance. Well this time I feel like every other kid in our family gets a message/present/card or something, yet my daughter doesn't.
Then my husband and I had a major argument over him talking about the situation with my son in front of my son and saying things he shouldn't have. He just blurts it out and it doesn't matter how many times I ask him not to he continues to do it. Its inappropriate and not fair on either of us.
To top it off, I'm not sleeping and now have body aches and stomach cramps.
I'm so angry, I just want to leave everyone and be on my own. I can rely on myself and I don't have to worry about anyone else, I don't have to worry about anyone rejecting me or my kids. I feel like I have not one person in this whole world who loves me or cares about me. No-one loves me unconditionally.
I always go out of my way for people and I only feel good about myself when I'm doing this. I like doing it and I don't ever expect it in return nor do I ask for it. I genuinely don't feel like it needs to be "tit for tat". But when everyone you know only contacts you because they want something from you and not any other time - it just makes me feel completely rejected.
You have a lot on your plate right now, it's not surprising you are stressed. Stress, or sadness, can manifest as anger and it sounds like you've been bottling up a lot of that for a long while. Now it's coming to the surface.
I'm sorry your son is pulling away from you and won't talk about why. 15 is a hard age. He may think the rules at Dad's are going to be better for him, or he may be craving a male role model, someone to help him move into the next phase of his life. Only time will tell if your ex can help him with that - your son may be back. I know that doesn't make his leaving easier to take, sorry.
There are also issues you mention with your family not showing your daughter as much attention as you think she should get, and probably some resentment festering over how much you do for everyone, when you never seem to get anything in return. I know what you mean - you don't do these things to get something back, but you kind of hope just once someone will take care of you without you having to complain about it. There is only so much you can give, something I found out myself. I was the person who felt better when I helped everyone else, went out of my way to make others happy. Until it didn't make me feel good anymore. Until I started to wonder why I didn't get anything in return. It hurts to be taken for granted, and after a while that hurt will come out. It has to.
I can tell you since I've learned to take care of myself more, and put other people's needs down a couple of rungs on the ladder, I've had more energy and more emotional well being. I'm a better mother to my children because I'm not walking around exhausted and angry under the surface all the time. Maybe you could pull back on a few of the things you do. I found that counselling helped me work out why I felt the need to fix everyone else, and why I eventually fell into a depression over it. Maybe it could help you too?
Please write back if you want to talk more
It turns out I was right, after struggling to maintain an open communication with my 15 year old son - he has slowly been pulling away and decided this morning to pretty much move to his Dads. We had an arrangement where his Dad would have him for 2 weeks and then I would have him for 1 week. Today he rings me and says that he wants to stay at his Dad's for another week and not spend the week with me that he is supposed to. I have no idea why and I feel completely heart-broken and rejected by him. I can't stop crying. My heart physically hurts. I keep going back to the breakup when I was pregnant with him and I just feel like screaming and saying to my ex - you didn't want him when I was pregnant with him so why now! Of course I won't do that but I so very much want to.
I thought I was hurt when the break-up happened but the hurt feels worse when your own child chooses to live with the person who caused it in the first place.
So so very hurt and heartbroken right now......
Firstly, I just wanted to give you a virtual hug 🤗 a real hug is obviously better but this will have to suffice 😊 I know how hard things must be for you right now, and there are all these things that your son doesn’t know and you can’t tell him. But I want to reassure you that he will find these things out eventually, the truth has a way of revealing itself. And that’s not to say that he will find out that his dad didn’t want him etc, but people don’t tend to change and their actions speak a thousand words. Your son likely wants to go over there because it’s “not home”, which is a total bore and familiar for teenagers. His father may give him more freedom (ie less boundaries) and he may think that’s amazing now, but he will come to realize when he grows up that is not necessarily good parenting. As hard as it is, let him go, and keep being the loving, responsible parent that you are. He may not appreciate it now (15 year olds rarely do) but he will eventually, I promise you that 🙂
I feel for you and also sending you a hug. Juliet summed it perfectly, and said exactly what i would have said. Your son is 15 and may feel he needs 'man time'. Your ex's past behaviour wouldn't mean anything to your son, he only know's what he feel he needs now. He's a 15 yo boy, they don't talk or communicate much from my experience. I understand how you feel, you've done all the hard work and he decides to live there. It hurts, I know but it's not personal, it's just what he needs right now. Is your ex good with him, despite not being so good around you? Is so, focus on the fact he is good to your son and continue to show your son that you're always there for him. He will work it out. I understand the hurt and anger when it comes to exes and kids. Stay strong and continue to be the best mum you can be despite the circumstances.
First, I just want to start by saying you're a legend. You're dealing with a lot of challenges and sound determined to put thought into them and work them out.
Everyone has raised some reasonable points in regard to your son gravitating more toward his father. Whether he's looking to stay there for 'an extended holiday' (free of responsibility) or he's looking more for a different angle of understanding and guidance, he may not even know why he's choosing this course of action.
As for other challenges, it's definitely hard to deal with a wake up call when we don't recognise it as a wake up call. I can relate to where you're coming from by the way: When it seems as though everyone around you is taking more than they're giving, the wake up call can involve being challenged to raise their consciousness as well as our own. If a friend can't come to an event because they're exhausted and don't take the time needed to help you understand why they're not coming to something that means a lot to you, this reflects a lack of consciousness on their part. If someone explained they've spent the whole night before crying and they're thoroughly exhausted, I'm sure you'd be there to help them and support them. You sound like a natural carer. As for the lack of attention toward your daughter, finding the courage to confront people and say something like 'Okay, what's your deal? What's with the rejection?' can be a tough challenge to rise to. You know all those things we wish we could say to people but rarely often do, sometimes they need to be said in order for us to receive greater understanding of the way forward. Sometimes we have to manage others in order to effectively manage our own emotions and sometimes this involves choosing who to keep in our life and who to move on from.
Sounds like your ex isn't as sensitive as you regarding what is best not said in front of others. You have a great sensitivity here. Such a great degree of consciousness and consideration can bring about a lot of frustration at times, that's for sure.
The folk who only show up when they want something, I'll suggest you raise their awareness a little: 'While I experience joy in raising you out of the challenges and lows you sometimes face, you rarely put effort into raising me. Why?' Sometimes we gotta challenge others to raise us out of our own low or state of exhaustion. I believe there is basic love and there is active love. Challenge yourself to seek more action from others.