i feel so alone at home

[maec]

My home situation hasn't been the best. some days are good and theres no arguing or lectures and others it arguing for hours all shouting and crying and throwing and etc. Everytime i try to voice out my feelings it's considered back talk, or disrespect. never actually just my feelings waiting to be heard and seen. i haven't slept, i cant sleep. i feel so angry all the time now and just at an all time low. i feel so depressed. all i wanted was for my parents to understand and hear how i'm feeling. and you'd think at 19 they would start hearing me out. but no it's just like last year and every year, last month last week yesterday. i feel as though nothing i do for my parents even siblings will ever matter or account to anything to be seen heard and loved. i cant even see my partner with my own free will. the one person other than god that makes me happy and at feel at peace. i tired of feeling angry all the time and sad lonely. i'm sick of the anxiety that runs through me at every mishap. every one just expects me to listen and do as told no questions asked no opinions no thoughts no disrespect. they make me feel like such a burden. Everything is disregarded. do i have to take serious measures for them to finally hear and understand me? i don't know how i'm gonna cope much longer.

[indigo22]

Hi maec,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

I can empathise, I had a dysfunctional family also and it is not easy dealing with that on a regular basis, it is understandable that you feel down about it.

At 19 you are becoming an adult but unfortunately family only see what they want to see. I was the youngest and that's what my family saw, particularly my older siblings. I wasn't allowed to be angry although everyone around me was angry most of the time. Because I was a sensitive kid, I soaked up all the anger then had to suppress my own anger that resulted.

Have you tried just talking to your parents when no one is arguing, calmly taking about how you are feeling?

Or if that does not feel like an option, what if you were to write it all down in a letter and give it to them to read?

They need to understand that you are no longer a child, that you have your own opinions and feelings that are not being respected. Respect is a two way thing, not just one way. How can they expect you to respect them if you are feeling disrespected. These are the sorts of things you need to tell them, without an argument getting in the way.

You mentioned not being able to see your partner, why is that?

I am happy to continue this conversation with you and help in whatever way I can.

You are not alone,

indigo

[therising]

Hi maec

What you're facing sounds so frustrating, so enraging and definitely heartbreaking in a lot of ways and I join indigo22 in support of you while you suffer in so many ways.

Being a mum to a 21yo gal and 18yo guy, I've come to learn over time how parenting can be a skill development experience. The skill of listening to and feeling for your child really is a skill and it's typically not one that's taught. It's actually something my daughter woke me up to, when she was younger. Those typical parent phrases, such as 'Just do as you're told', 'Don't question me', 'Don't talk back' etc, were things my daughter just wouldn't accept without a fight. She was a challenging and feisty one indeed and if she hadn't have challenged me, I wouldn't have evolved beyond those phrases while coming to show my kids more respect and consideration. Another phrase parents aren't always conscious of is 'I don't care'. 'I don't care, just do as you're told'. 'I don't care, don't question me'. 'I don't care, don't talk back'. Say 'I don't care' enough times over a child's life and they'll, understandably, come to believe their parents don't really care in a lot of ways. Technically, it can also define a parent as being rather 'careless'.

It can be a tough challenge, for sure, leading a parent to become more conscious. While some parents believe they know it all, some of what they know is perfectly valid or true yet some things are just inherited ideas or beliefs. For example, 'Don't question me' is a concept that's been around for centuries (when it comes to parenting). It's an inherited way of thinking. What makes us reasonable people is our ability to question and find/give reason. The ability to reason is a skill. We can begin giving our child/ren the skills for reasoning from a young age: 'Why can't I walk to the shop on my own at midnight?' can be met with either 'Don't question me. You're just not going' or 'These are the reasons for why it's dangerous and unnecessary...'. We're given a variety of good reasons we can fully respect. Also, from reasoning comes compromise or negotiation, another skill.

So, how to open a parent's mind. Hmmm🤔. Sometimes, leading them to wonder can work on occasion. Kinda like 'Do you ever wonder where you got 'I don't care, just do as you're told' from?'. 'Do you ever wonder whether it's just easier and less work to not care so much, to not think of answers or reasons to give to me?'. 'Have you ever wondered what it's like living in this house from my perspective? Have you ever wondered about how often I'm shut down or brought down by people in this house and how that feels?'. While some parents may say 'Stop asking me so many questions. Stop challenging me. Stop being so difficult' others may say 'Oh my gosh, I've never stopped to think about any of that. You've woken me up. I'm so sorry'. Some parents' minds you couldn't even pry open with a crowbar, whereas other parents can be led to open their minds with just the right questions.

While some kids can be easy to raise, some parents can prove incredibly challenging to raise (to greater levels of consciousness). And they say kids are difficult. A lot of the time kids are actually brilliant and challenging teachers, occasionally testing us. ❤️

[maec]

I feel like every time I try to they end up gaslighting me and how i feel and make me out to be the bad guy instead. Today my younger sister and i got into a fight, and when my mum came home her first thing was to lecture me. The lecture dragged on and then it became about me and other problems like one I have with my cousin who i don't talk to anymore and how i was the problem in that situtation and i hurt my younger sisters feelings. even then i kept yelling that she doesnt listen to my feelings because everytime i try and get us to talk about it, she cuts me off talks over me and that its unfair because i don't "appreciate" every thing that family is and does for you. My younger sister and i don't really get along but for our parents sake i always try and make an effort to, respecting our parents wishes and her. Except sometimes we have days where we just argue and don't speak. most times she'll say very harsh things like you're dead to me, you're not my sister, i don't like you etc, and i get hurt and disrespected but when it get's brought to my parents attention she get's scolded for like 2 minutes and then it's back on to me. i always put myself in my siblings shoes and i give them my respect, but i never get respect back. they shut me out and force me to exclude myself.

I've been forced to break up with my partner and not see him simply because, 1. i didn't tell them about him when we first started going out because i didn't feel like i had a steady or safe relationship or circle with them. 2. he defended me to my cousin who was at the time treating me pretty rudely and i was living with my cousin at the time. words were exchanged and no one in my family liked it and said he had crossed a line texting her, claiming that it was cyberbullying for texting my cousin how the way she treated me was wrong and unfair. My mum keeps saying like if her and my dad weren't siblings him and i would probably be in jail for "cyberbullying". 

i would obviously do what every rebellious teenager would do and like lie to see him or have him come over when i'm alone. which i know is wrong but still did anyway. he's been my rock, he understands my feelings he's supported me in every way possible. he wanted to meet my parents but then again i felt scared to, so i kept holding it off.  

i'm looking for a job now and with tafe and uni in a month/2 i need one a nd it's stressful trying to find one. but i need to if i want to move out. i really hope to move out soon. im tired of being tried and a punching bag to every one. 

[indigo22]

Hi again maec,

I do understand, you are in a toxic environment at the moment.

I left home at 16 because I was in the same boat as you, no one listened and assumed I was just being a rebellious teenager, but that was not the case.

As far as your sister is concerned, if it were me, I would walk away when an argument begins, just refuse to participate. I know sometimes that is hard to do, but if you participate, you already know what the reaction will be. If you walk away, it sends the message that you are not interested in being treated like that. You could even say "come back when you are willing to speak to me without disrespecting me". I was on the phone with my sister one day many years ago and she was yelling and talking over me so I hung up the phone. I don't have anything to do with her anymore, she doesn't even know where I live.

I don't understand why you feel you can be forced to stop seeing anyone at 19, if this person makes your life feel bearable, then you owe it to yourself to find a way to spend time together when you can until such time as you can find your own place. Clearly your partner is the one person who has supported you, and in the situation you are in, you need all the support you can get.

You do have the right to like or dislike a person, regardless of wether or not they are family. Whatever happened between you and your cousin is no one else's business. It's not like you are 5 year olds squabbling over a toy, you are grown people with the right to choose who you want to have as part of your life.

We will be here to support you when you want to talk about things,

indigo