I feel rejected

[psyberpunk]

My wife and I have been together 10 years - but since our first child my wife has lost the desire/capacity for any kind of intamacy with me. In four years she's almost never initiated even a hug, kiss, cuddle and I think we've had sex about 6 times and each time has felt like i'm forcing her and its a charity case. 

I started trying to talk to her more about it about a year ago. In the last few months she has initiated a couple of short hugs. 

My wife has also created created this 'bubble' with our son, they sleep together, we sleep seperately, and I feel like i'm not welcome in it. She doesn't want to even go on a date with me, out to dinner, see a movie. Several family members have offered to watch our son while we do go do something for us and our relationship, but she doesn't want to. When we've had issues with him and are talking about it - she has used terms like 'you dissapeared with MY son" which makes me feel like i'm not even considered really part of anything. This bubble pushes the issue beyond physical and I feel emotionally pushed away as well, we almost never get to really talk or confide in each other anymore. As i mentioned above when I starting talking more about a lack of emotional/physical intamacy and exclusion it with her about a year ago, she talked about being mentally and emotionally drained and 'touched out' from interacting with our son. I suggested she needed to get some help and it initiated her to go and seek some help around feeling mentally drained and she's been diagnosed with ADHD and is now taking some medication for that. 

However nothing really has changed for us - a few months after she started taking medications she agreed to some physical intimacy, but afterwards when I was talking to her about it and us, she said she had no desire or need for it anymore.

When it comes to our son I think I'm a reasonably active dad - but often what i'm engaging to do with him is wrong. I raised the total lack of desire to want to be intimate or make time for us it with her again last night in that I feel rejected and she's basically ignored it. I dont know what to do. 

[HappySheep]

Hello Psyberpunk,

What an unpleasant situation to find yourself in. All relationships change over time and it's natural for dynamics to change with the birth of a child, but it must be awful to feel yourself pushed out of your own marriage and family. My heart goes out to you.  There are many reasons why sexual desires change and your wife may not be interested, but your desires and needs from the relationship are equally as valid.  Everyone needs to be in a relationship where their needs are also taken into account.  All healthy relationships involve compromise, where each person gives and takes, but it sounds like this is not happening for you.

It sounds like the two of you are really struggling to communicate with each other.  It is perfectly valid for you to want to talk with your wife about your relationship and your needs that are not being met.  And, if she's pushing you away from parenting, that needs to be spoken about by you both - why she feels as she does, and how this makes you feel.

You say that she was open to getting professional help at your suggestion. That's a great start.  Is there anyway she would see a relationship counsellor with you?  This would help you both say what you need to say, without it turning into an argument or misunderstanding.  The two of you have some big conversations you need to have, if your relationship has been struggling for five years, and an independent person to help you have those conversations might be really useful.

Psyberpunk, this sounds like a very unhappy place for you to be in right now. No one should feel trapped and isolated in their own marriage. Good on you for reaching out and trying to do something about it.

[psyberpunk]

Thank you - I’ve asked her a few times that I think we need to see a counsellor. I agree it would be really helpful for us both to be able to have that safe and mediated ability to talk. My wife hasn’t been particularly responsive to the idea, she ignored it when I raised it with her last night.

Our conversations very quickly get out of hand on the chance that we actually find a space around my some bing awake/present to actually have one…

[Fiatlux]

Hi psyberpunk,

I am really sorry for what you are going through. As it’s been 4 years since the birth of your son, you have really been struggling with this for a while.

As a mum of 3 grown adult children, who were all born within 3 years, I can understand your wife feeling drained. She sounds like she has made this harder than it should be. Apart from the cuddles that we both shared with our children, it was rare for them to sleep with my husband and I in our bed. I don’t know how you are going to approach this with your wife, but your child needs to be sleeping in another room entirely. Call me old fashioned but as soon as baby was sleeping through the night, they were in the next room. I didn’t have any problems with them soothing themselves to sleep. Did you have a baby who was a light sleeper? 

I have had friends who had their children sleep with them often and some were already at school age before they were able to reclaim their parental bed. 

With regard to your wife’s lack of desire, I can understand that, I too was reluctant to be intimate with my husband after baby 3 and I became more than upset when he would promise just a cuddle when I was exhausted and of course he would want more. He became furious when I rejected his advances and I avoided cuddles with him as I knew exactly where it would lead to. So, he also rather selfishly woke me from a deep sleep at 3am with a surprise visit. As I was getting up to go to work at 6am, I was not to pleased. Sure, he fell back to sleep quickly. It was a very miserable time. Things improved a little after our children were all at school. He also had to be in bed by 10pm or sex was definitely not going to happen. Our children were all in bed in their own rooms, own beds by 8pm.

There had to be compromise. So when he complained about rejection, I shot back at him that sex is not on tap anymore. I had a need for sleep in order to function properly during the day.

It is great that you have communicated with your wife about this and she has started to make some changes, but you two need to reclaim the master bedroom. She will also sleep a lot better. Ignoring your feelings and frustration isn’t doing either of you any good. I haven’t heard your wife’s opinion on this, so I can’t say that she is open to compromise with you. But good luck.

Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[psyberpunk]

Thanks @fiatlux - I totally agree around compromise, I've said to her I'm willing to do anything she needs. She told me she didn't need anything. The sleeping thing has been from day one, I'm not sure if she had some postpartum depression or anxiety, but she didn't want to have him out of her sight or something. Since then the rationale for continued co-sleeping has been that she doesn't have to get up if he wakes up during the night. But he has nearly always slept through, once he's asleep, he's wiggly but a great sleeper. I've suggested on many occasions that we sould be getting him into his own bed alone, but he's still with her in the spare room, there's always been a 'reason' that's felt more like a brush off. 'oh we will soon', 'he'll sleep better with me', 'i sleep better and dont have to get up' etc. But then she's always talking about how badly she sleeps with him and how little sleep she gets. The whole arrangement in that 'bubble' seems contradictory. 
I've read that it's really common for women after kids to have reduced sexual desire, there are a lot of hormonal changes happening that I couldn't even imagine. I've been patient, I'm trying to be kind, i'm trying to be compassionate, but it all just is starting to feel like a bit much or like there's something else wrong. Maybe something she isn't even aware of or can quantify in words? 
I totally hear you - I dont want to be forcing myself on my wife that's not right - I dont want pity sex, I dont want her to be doing it as a chore.  I love my wife, I want us to both enjoy ourselves and connect both emotionally and physically in some way like we used to. 

[psyberpunk]

@Fiatlux - I've tried not to cuddle and expect more too. It's not fair and it's not the standard I wanted to set, because I do actually want a cuddle and a chat.