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i feel like nothing
hello there everyone,
i just need some warmth and some advice. I have used this before and found it incredibly helpful during a difficult time - relating to this relationship
long story short, i feel trapped within a relationship (1 year long) . I have ended this relationship many times, and he never leaves me be - i have told him but he keeps saying he wants to marry me, be there for me, be together etc… But he is controlling, isolating, 13 years older than I. Why don't I want to be with him? He is quite rough, his friends are all 10 years older than him and hence 25 years + older than me. Anyway, I don't need to go through all the reasons
But the main reason is. the life i would have with him is not the life I want.
I wish i could be more assertive. But inherently, I want to love someone, and show them affection and give everything to them. I am lonely, I am very vulnerable and lonely in my position, i live in a state where i literally know 4 people. Work is isolating
I have really struggled to settle in here, and have since day 1. I have been here for 1.5 years.
I saw him last night and this morning, it is never enough for him. He wants to be around me and stay with me 24/7. He cries because of god knows what… and its left to me to make him feel better. Another issue - i feel like there is always a problem with him. I am a very positive, optimistic and happy person and he isn't - which i find difficult
I need help. x
I know what I need to do, and it's to not return his calls or messages. But i find that difficult because i am such a caring person that I want to make sure he is ok
Plus I am lonely, and isolated
But i know i cannot help him at the sake of myself
Sexually, also sometimes he is very persistent with this. And trust me, he gets enough… and this makes me feel used at times. although when i bring it up he says he loves me so so much bla bla bla
I have broken up with him, 2 weeks ago, and today i told him again, enough was enough
i feel he is abusive, in an emotional sense. as he has made me feel like no one will ever love me like he will
I need help finding my spot, in the world, finding some friends and finding my niche in the space. I am trying though, but it can be difficult meeting friends being an adult. I am 28
I am hopeful, that I am on my path and I am trying to stay positive, but on my days off i feel quite alone
i go working out, alone, and paddle boarding alone, and walking alone
any tips I would love x
help me, give me the strength to be more assertive and to do my best to ignore his pleas to hang out with him, to help him, to do whatever
he is not my issue, and i am not his mother
he is not my one person, my one forever person and i need the strength to be assertive enough to ignore him
but i know that no one can ever love me more that i love myself
i am worth more than this rubbish he gives me ...
sorry for the rants. I am having a tough day.x
Sorry to hear you have to endure all of this. If you have made it clear you no longer want a relationship with him then yes, I would stop all communication. Change your number or block him if you have to. To say no one will love you like he does, yes I believe this is emotional abuse.
as far as meeting new people do you have any hobbies or can you join any social groups of people with similar interests? It sounds as though you have no family close by, do you have anyone who can help support you or who you can get out and about with?
he is 13 years older than you, so 41. He is a grown man making you feel guilty not wanting to be with him. Try and make it clear it is over and stop communicating. You deserve to be happy with the right person, not chained to someone who wants to 'keep' you.
hope this helps a little
Just saw your thread. i can relate to your words. My situation was different. for me it was the other way round. he left me. The similarity is that I would just start to let go and he would pull me back in. This happened over and over again. I even remember thinking these same thoughts,pleading with myself not to return.knowing this was not the right person for me and wanting to just move on and start healing Like you are right now. I don't know how helpful this is and i don't have any great words of advice. I just wanted you to know someone else (me and probably many others on this forum) understands the emotional pain your in around this. You are not alone.
Your message has helped me, thank you for your words. How did you get yourself out of the cycle?
I feel he does this, I do not doubt he loves me. But i leave him and tell him we can't be together, he freaks out, knows i am isolated and don't have many friends then says things like "you're fighting us being together, don't be scared to be happy with me, I'm miserable without you." etc etc
I have found this situation so incredibly hard, because when he says things like this it makes me second guess my decision. And then i don't want to hurt anyone else, or him, so i want to make sure he is ok. And the cycle starts over. And i feel so worthless and wretched for letting him back in. I feel bad about myself.
Plus, I feel like maybe no one will ever love me like he does. Which i know is ridiculous. and is catastrophic thinking -
He also moved here, to be with me after I told him not to.
I am in emotional pain, and I am lonely. I think i just feel so alone. And i keep my seeing him a secret from my family. Which i know is terrible. They think he is bad news for me
I need help.
hey Cleo 1988
I'm not certain if you're addressing me when you asked about breaking the cycle. I hope you don't mind if I reply anyway.
for me it was a few things firstly I thought about what it was i liked about the people in my life that made me feel good. Things like encouragment, personal space when i did it,supportive and understanding lifted up. After seeing these people I left feeling good about myself and i looked forward to the next time i would see them. He did not have this effect. I felt weak,vulnerable, messy and confused about what I wanted. lonely ,isolated and broken. I then found out about personal boundaries . I would repeat simple things to myself like all I can control is my actions not his . I am powerless over him not myself. Distancing myself from his emotions. Simple idea but not easy. I also used a technique 'one day at a time' in the beginning this was too much time.So I started saying to myself ' I'll wait an hour" then when the hour was up I said the same thing again. this showed me what I could do. If I slipped i would forgive myself and then start the one moment at a time again. I really get this is hard. I literally sat on my hands sometimes saying i'll just wait till this feeling goes. It didn't take to long for the feeling to pass and I could get on with things that day. Distraction also helps. leave the house ,have a shower, have a good cry, make a beautiful meal, ring someone who cares about you and makes you feel good about yourself. Be gentle on yourself and say kind thing to yourself if you do slip. remind yourself you're human and can get through this moment by moment if you have two
I don't know if this is useful it just worked for me. I still use this technique sometime. I'm no master at it but it's helped me through some really emotionally painful situations.
hang in there and I encourage you to keep posting. It's really helping me get though.
just wanted to add that when I thought "no one would love me like him' I replaced it with ' maybe no one will love me exactly the same as him but I am loveable by others and each person's show of love is different as I love my friends and family differently, no more or less just different.....
I also agree with cmf ,he is being emotionally abusive.
I have made it clear, but he keeps pushing me and pushing me and making me feel so so guilty. Like "you're throwing me away" "i love you so much" "I'm thinking about you and us" "i miss you" "" i have never felt like this about anyone" etc etc
when i don't reply, or call him back. he's like I know you've seen my messages and calls... all of these things that make me feel so bad - and like its not right what i have done . but i know in my heart it is
when i see him, he is very… pushy for lack of a better word. and pushes me to be with him and see him again, then cries when i say no. i feel bad about myself, when i hang out with him because i know i shouldn't be and i feel embarrassed a little by him. I am an elegant, calm , happy and classy woman and he looks a mess. and i know its not about looks, but it makes me think we are certainly not well matched
meeting new people … i am trying to do meet up groups… or what i can. I have looked into joining a sailing club, running clubs, and i have been to some art events
my family are not close by, they are on the other side of the country. which is difficult.
hmm, my closet friend here is pregnant and isolates herself socially with her husband which is fine, i get it. but i have found it hard. as I've said i do things alone most of the time - which is ok, because i am strong and happy within my own company. but you can only take so much of that, can't you?
You're right, he is a grown man and should get himself together, not needing me to pull him up all the time.
thank you for your words, and advice xx