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I feel like I'm losing my relationship...

PaganGirl
Community Member

Hi all, I've been to these forums before so hopefully I'm in the right place.
Just so you know, I'm coping ok and not distressed, just feeling quite lost and confused.

1.5 years ago I met a lovely man, my now partner. It was love at first sight. We share a lot in common- we go to the gym together, go on bush hikes, play musical instruments. Well, we used to anyway, not really now. He's stuck by me through times when my illness (depression/ anxiety) has been terrible, and through unemployment and sickness. He's just the nicest kindest man, and Ive always thought he was the love of my life- that we would get married and have kids. We have lots of funny inside jokes and at times can have huge amounts of fun together.. Now that i've gotten the handle on my illnesses, things are much better than the worst times.

But over the last 5-6 months, its just been one rough patch after another. I became unemployed and the stress has hit us hard; we've both had health issues. Hes been so supportive, emotionally, financially. I coudn't wish for better.

But I feel the romance has left our relationship. Like every day we're just trying to make it through the day, instead of enjoying life. I long to walk through nature together, to share some genuine romance together. I long to be noticed- i make music, dance, do all kinds of art but I feel he never sees or admires. I feel undesired sexually though i do all i can to maintain a fit and attractive appearance and attitude.

I want more than this life of emptiness- go to work (in my case: look for work), come home, go to the gym where we work out with others, eat, shower, go to bed. The weekends we watch TV cos hes too tired and doesnt want to do much.

My anxiety is constantly going haywire these days because on the one hand i love this man like crazy, hes always been there for me and hes a good wonderful man. I'm scared of losing him.
On the other, i feel like we're missing out on life, stuck in front of the TV "too tired". I am a pagan, i love nature, i love all things creative like dancing and music- to me life is short and precious, and i want to spend it living it to its fullest. We dont need money to go for a walk in the bush, or admire the sunset together. But he doesn't understand or appreciate those things- he doesn't see life that way. He doesn't understand my way of thinking, and i don't understand his.

How do I get us connected again, and enjoying life again? I've tried talking to him about it, but nothing ever changes.

6 Replies 6

Doolhof
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi PaganGirl,

Thanks for sharing your story here. I'm in the process of trying to improve my communication and interaction with my husband. It is not always easy in a relationship when people have differing opinions and ideas.

Could you suggest that you go out for a little while on the weekend and that your partner choose what he would like to watch on t.v. when you return?

Could you involve friends in a bush walk so your partner may be more enticed to go? It may be a way to start getting him out of the house.

I have been looking at information on sites like "Relationships Australia" they have some interesting information and suggestions around helping with couples getting to know each other better.

We can not change other people very easily at all, you may need to accept the things that you can't change and just try to make yourself the best you can be.

You may have to be quite open and ask your partner why he no longer finds sex as appealing as he may once have done.

Does your partner have a very physical job? Is he exhausted when he returns home? Could you suggest a massage when he gets home? You never know where that might lead!

I hope some of these ideas may help you. Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

 

 

 

Pixie15
Community Member

Hi PaganGirl,

Welcome to beyond blue. From what you have written here and that is all I have to go on I am wondering if you are suffering from what is know as all or nothing thinking. You seem to be grieving your relationship before it is ended.

When you said that your partner had stopped wanting to do everything he likes and cannot enjoy a sunset I wondered if he may be suffering a bit of depression himself. It is not unusual especially if you have had a lot of negative things happening in a short period of time. I know when my partner was suffering depression recently I was really sad that he could not appreciate a sunset. Lack of enjoyment in life is one of the indicators.

On the other hand he could be just settling into the relationship and enjoying a bit of home time with you. I am not sure if men generally are as emotional about things like sunsets. If they do get emotional maybe they are less comfortable with expressing it.

Maybe you can try and find a balance where you continue to do some of the things that make you feel like you are living life to the full (alone if necessary) and have some in front of the telly time. You can do something creative and watch the television at the same time. 

Also wondering if you are at least a little in denial about how well you are coping yourself.

Grateful.

 

Thanks for the Replies everyone 🙂

yes its tru I'm quite prone to that "all or nothing" and "catastrophic" thinking. I work on it constnwlt y with my psychologist and it is getting better. I can resist it a lot longer. I guess it's flaring up now becuse these issues have been ongoing for many months. So for a while my techniques and copping skills would have dealt with those feelings, but slowly the same issues ongoing  are wearing me down. The longer they go on, the easier it is for my mind to start picturing the issues leading towards a relationship separation....

I know he is suffering, maybe a bit depressed. I can just tell. He didn't get a job he wanted desperately and although he will reapply when th next hire, it's gotten him down. He hates his current job and its a hard physical job where he is often overworked. I feel terrible for wanting time with him because I ca see he's tired.. 

i struggle too because I'm very emotionally expressive, I easily talk about how I feel. forgive the stereotyping, but he's a littl bit that stereotypical male- he describes his emotions in one word "good, tired, bad" and doesn't wish to discuss them any further. Sometimes I feel I can't discuss how I feel because he often considers discussing emotions as "pointless whinging/ complaining" and has that "just get on with it" kind of attitude.

thats really hard for me. I understand he is not my carer and I go off to my psychologist reguksrly to discuss those feelings with her. But I often feel misunderstood or unheard. Eg I went for a job I very much wanted and i didn't get it, I was shattered as I've been unemployed a long time and I trie very hard, but his response was "well there's no point crying about it, just keep trying, there other jobs".

i do understand here's no point harping on about it continuously, but if the bad news has just been received, I feel it's only natural to me that I might need a few hours to have a bit of a cry and process it, then usually within a day or two I'm ready to move on. 

Its not so much that he doesn't appreciate the sunset- it's that I don't know where the romance went. No romantic dinners, no flowers, not even a nice compliment. I can't remember the last time he complimented me on my artwork or my appearance. The physical affection has all but gone..

maybe he's depressed but he won't talk to me about it, and he's already told me his opinion on psychologists (he doesn't like them)....

Hi PaganGirl,

Sorry I do not have much time to reply now but I just had a quick couple of thoughts.

It is okay to accept your emotions, have a cry, and feel sad when something happens that makes you unhappy. Then pick yourself up like your partner said and keep going.

Have you thought of keeping a journal. I started one last year and it is a really good way to keep tabs on my own thinking. 

Grateful.

Hi Pagan Girl,

My husband was in a job he ended up really detesting in the end. It dragged him down and it was very hard for me to get anything much at all out of him either.

I was getting myself all worked up over how things had been, how I thought they should be and how I wanted things to be. I realised in the end I could not change my husband, but I could change myself.

I tried to support him event though I didn't feel at all supported by him in any way. It made me feel better moving the emphasis from myself to him, but still ensured I tried to ensure my own needs were met.

Sounds to me like your guy is pretty well exhausted and a bit down in the dumps. Try supporting him and his needs for a week and see what happens. While doing that, ensure you do a lot of things you enjoy as well.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

dear PaganGirl, thanks for joining us.

Your comment has been well received by Mrs. Dools and Grateful who understand your position and I would like to empathise that your partner maybe in denial and won't accept the fact that he maybe suffering from depression, and by saying this seems to take your comment away from you, but the way he is behaving leads to the fact that he does have depression, and perhaps by refusing to see a psych could also be because of his denial.

Relationship at first are golden, we share, talk, discuss and explore so many exciting issues, but as time progress's the honeymoon period eventually dies off, not that we ever want it to, but it naturally does.

Men do become tired and perhaps boring ( oops) and don't want to go out shopping, going places or do what our female partners/wives want to do any more, ( and oops again ) they have their 'own thing', but if they are depressed then nothing happens.

Have a read of this 'bridging emotional distance' which may give you so ideas, also click under 'resources' at the top of this page and get BB to send out all the 'printed material' which is totally free, it has some excellent pages for you to read, and maybe your partner maybe inclined to browse through it. L Geoff. x