I don't like who I am...

[Sazgeering]

So, I often come back to this same feeling of not liking who I am. I know I'm a very serious person, and can be pretty pessimistic. I get very passionate about topics and it's often perceived as aggressive, negative or me just having a rant - rather than me just expressing how much I feel about that topic. I hate small talk and am not naturally witty or funny, so socially I find myself feeling very awkward and uncomfortable.
I have been with my husband for 17 years and I just don't really know why he is with me. It's not like I'm a really fun person to be around and it doesn't help that I don't have much of a sex drive. I often have issues with my appearance and body and this affects my confidence, I just don't think I have anything else to compensate for my multiple downfalls. I have a small group of close friends, but I honestly don't know why they're even still friends with me...I don't know what I bring to the table.
I'm quick to get angry and frustrated and even though I've tried to change this, in the moment it just doesn't happen. I know I can be really bitchy and horrible and I know this has grated on my husband and that makes me so upset. He said today that the reason he stutters is because he always has to double check what he says as I can't take anything as a joke. This really hurt me to hear as I'd never want to make anyone feel like that. I know he said it as a bit of a throw away comment, but I know there would have been truth in it, or else he wouldn't have said it.
At the age of 33 I'm lost as to whether I'm just a boring, serious, angry and horrible person and even though I really want to not be this person I just don't know what to do to change.

[Doolhof]

Hi Sazgeering,

Welcome to the community here on the forum. I would like to suggest that you have a look at the thread titled "Do you like yourself" by Blondguy ( or something similar...if I try to look it up I might misplace this post) There are many people who have posted there who have issues with liking themselves all the time or now and then.

You have mentioned a few things that you are not satisfied with about yourself. Can you just look at one of those things and see what you can change if possible so you do like yourself more.

Can you talk with your husband about what he said and try to work out how you can both converse differently with each other?

Try and write down your good points, there must be reasons why you have friends to spend time with and why you are still married.

It can be easy to find the negatives and harder to find the positives, so maybe concentrate on what is working and build on those things.

Cheers from Dools

[something_missing]

Hi Sazgeering's have read ur post and can relate to wat u have been say about ur self. i first got onto this site to talk to people about my small issues but have found that trying to help people is actually helping me. have u been to a gp to discuss ur situation .he may be able to point u in the rite direction. have u always been a serious person. for a while there i was sad and pessimistic myself but change my situation[being single that was sort of easy] .inow try to always look on the lighter side of life.from ur post i am guessing you r a very intelligent person and i am guessing read a lot.just wondering wen u r talking on said topics do u let people have there say or do u sometimes cut them short, the reason i am asking is that my ex girfriends siblings were terrible at that and in the end i just didnt talk to them . that can be seen as negitive. you said u hate small talk, which makes me think ur a smart lady,but there is nothing wrong with small talk,[i should know i do a lot of it ] but you would be suprised how it can develop into other more interesting topics.i suffer from social anxitey so wen i am at social do's i tend to do a lot of listening. don't worry about the sex drive as it will return wen you go back to being a happy ,oppermisitic person. it will only make it worse if u try and push the issue. i am just wondering if u take things personally[i sometimes do and it plays on my mind] and then i get short tempered . the thing is not to [i know easier said than done] .i know some people can b abrupt.you said u have issues with ur apperance, and body .this i think is a personally issue, but not everyone can be 10 out of 10. i am sure ur husband loves u for who u are. try and not take everything to heart to much and if something or a conversation isn't 100% the way you reckon it should be it doesn't matter .for a while i was doing just that if it wasn't spot on look out then the blood pressure would rise, for wat absoulty nothing.since then i have let things go and life is a lot better. i do some meditation at nite turn off the tv ,sit out side look at the cosmos ,breath relax and ask myself y do i get angry ,haven't come up with a answer yet so i am guessing getting angry is a complete waste of time. maybe u r to hard on yr self , and remember if it isn't 100% then it dosen't matter .the sky wont fall down. do u have any ankle biters, have u sat down with hubby [run out of space]

[something_missing]

back again, sat down with hubby and taking notes of wat is getting u angry so quick. i have learn't that if u don't love yourself first then u r not going to be happy .ihave spent most my life trying to please other people and in doing so have forgotten about myself. i know that sounds selfish but it is the truth. that dosen't mean u cut everyone off ,just don't forget about yourself. and if u drop a container of flour on the floor and it goes everywhere so wat ,see if it has made some patterns or a face then clean it up , it's just flour. i hope this helps u a little bit, take care lovely lady, life is great, keep smiling

[something_missing]

Hi Sageering. how have u been, i hope u have been able to see the lighter side of things. this hopefully has made u feel better about ur self. once u feel better about ur self other things in ur life mite start to turn around for u , unfortunatly this wont happen over nite but if u can smile at stupid little things have a laugh ,then maybe it is the start of the new you. have u talked to hubby and have you found some support to help u through these tough times . this probably isn't the greatest help just letting u know u have support.