I don't know where to start

[Mkr6684]

i feel like I'm spiralling out of control, I want to give up on this shit show of a life, I don't know what to do anymore. I know I need therapy but even reaching out to do that I feel is hard to do

im a (separated) single mum, still living at home at 35. No life no friends no job no motivation no self esteem no sense of worth. I just feel like I'm on auto pilot

everything crashed down when I found out Feb 2018, that my partner of 18yrs cheated on me and got her pregnant, the last 2yrs have been a blurry roller coaster on a hamster wheel (cause I feel like I've gotten nowhere), my mum has cancer she was diagnosed when I found out I was pregnant in 2014, my brother has a drug prob (last time 3months ago, I saw him I had to do cpr on him) my family is an extreme episode of Jerry Springer, growing up confused and desensitised to the fact that my mums ex husband (2 older brothers dad) cheated on her with her sister.. And I found my dad after he shot himself when I was 6.

Sometimes im great full surprised I'm not more effed up, other times it makes sense why I am where I'm at in my life, like the title states I don't know where to even start. Everything has lead to where I am and it feels like rock bottom.. What a mess

[smallwolf]

Hi,

Welcome to beyond blue.

I cannot find the right word to use but your life has been full of sadness, anger frustration so the fact that you have reached this position would be normal.

Also the fact that you recognise you need help is a positive. And while you say reaching out is hard you are doing that here. Another positive.

There are many reasons why you feel it is hard to reach out, but I will listen to you here on the forums. And maybe it will become easier for you to get help.

Finally as to where to start, that is up to you. It is your story, your life.

So... What would you like to talk about?

Peace and comforting thoughts to you,

Tim

[Mkr6684]

Thanks for replying

I'm sure that I have been dealing with depression all of my life on and off, the 1st time I did counselling was when I found out about the affair child. I think I was in survival mode running on adrenaline, not sleeping, not eating, not parenting (very well).

I went to counselling, so I could figure out what direction I wanted to go in regards to my relationship (stay or leave) and to try and recover from the trauma of his affair, but that only lasted around 6 sessions and I felt like it wasn't helping. We did 1 session of couples counselling, but my mum got sick and I have had to care for her.

i think I'm just finding it hard to figure out what to do with everything and procrastinating and overthinking is a big problem for me, like for eg close to 20yrs growing up and being in a relationship with someone is hard to throw away especially when we have a child together, and history. We want to try to work things out but there are so many factors in between.

its like I don't have the balls to do anything like I'm stuck between the choices I need to make

[smallwolf]

Hello,

I found writing things down on paper to be helpful. For me, the many thoughts that run around my mind can be reduced to a smaller set of items to deal with. It can also be a helpful getting the thoughts out of your mind if only for a short while.

I noticed that you also were looking after your family for some time... Putting other concerns ahead of your own?

Lastly, you said you went to counseling but didn't last but wasn't helping. Can I ask what about it wasn't working? I am a year off 50, and my issues started as a child. So healing takes time, at least for me. I could be lucky that I have a good relationship with my psychologist. And while you are here I will listen to you.

Tim