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I don't know where I belong and who I belong to...
I recently made an extremely impulsive move from where I have been living with my partner of 2 years back to where my family lives, 2 and a half hours away due to reaching what I thought was the end of the road for our relationship. Out of frustration and hurt I packed up my belongings and animals and moved in with my sister and friend. after the weekend moving I have been riddled with feelings of remorse, guilt and depression. I just want to go back home. Ive just moved more of my stuff last weekend with the help of my dad so I feel like 'it's done' now and to say 'im going back' would make everyone do a combined SIGHHHHH FFS SORT IT OUT!
I miss my girlfriend so painfully that I cant sleep, barely eat, turn to alcohol and just feel so lost and empty. We have decided not to end our relationship so now it has turned into like a long distance relationship but finding it really hard going from an every day routine with a home together, to being apart and totally alone. I wake up every day thinking its all been a bad dream, and i just want to go home and for things to go back to normal.
We clash because I feel that when there is conflict it doesnt get resolved, due to us dealing with our emotions in different ways, but ive come to the realisation now that 'running away' or moving away in this case, is not the answer. I really wish I had stayed and given it some time and maybe a couple of days breathing space for us both because it really helped but now I feel its too late to go back. Im so confused and so scared to make the wrong decision. sick of feeling unsettled, unstable, not knowing where I should be and what is best. I want someone to just give me the answer but I know its not possible. Im just so lost and feeling so incredibly down.
Sorry to hear about your current circumstances and that from what I could read, your relationship is enduring some hardship. I'm no expert when it comes to relationships, and to date, I've never quite found out what that magic formula is for a successful relationship. That said, in my experience, It's never easy and straight forward but I there are some relationships that I truly believe firmly should have finished. In fact, all my past relationships to date (except my current relationship which is 18 months in and still have our moments) . Two years sounds like a solid run so far. I don't mean to pry but If you'd permit me to ask, why do you feel hurt and what triggered you to pack your things to leave? Was it impulsive or have things not been ideal in your mind for some time? Guilt and depression from moving give me an indication that you care for your partner.
I personally have a past of major depression and definitely a fear of abandonment as that was a big part of not only my childhood, but also a large part of my adult life. I feel it's quite normal to not want to be alone. And that being alone, can send the mind into over-drive. At the same time, it's quite healthy to stop and let your mind and yourself connect and think things through rationally without rushing. I'm sorry to hear that you've been barely able to eat and turned to alcohol. I can admit, I too when I was going through my darkest times did that frequently. It was always a big outlet for me, especially as I didn't have many friends and a solid support network in the past.
You've mentioned that you both clash and that conflict doesn't exactly get resolved. I've been there before, but in all honesty and with respect, realized over time that when things go unresolved and fester and build up over time, it can result in explosions for the relationship. In my current relationship, if we have a disagreement or find one person doesn't want to resolve the conflict at the time, we always find the time pretty quickly to talk through it so not to brush it under the mat. How does your partner currently feel and what are her thoughts? Life in my opinion is a culmination of right and wrong decisions. Perhaps some space and taking the emotion out of conflict maylead to a more objective conversation in the future. Personally, I always follow my gut and my head (these days at least). There is a saying I've always remembered. 'Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt'.