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I don't know what to do
Hi, i haven't been on here for a few months. First of all i am a wife and a mother to 2 beautiful boys. My relationship has been bad for the most part of about 4 -5years. My husband is controlling and manipulative and i see it but don't want to believe it. I have depression, i see a psychologist and i am on anti depression tablets. I want the relationship to work but then I think i want to be on my own.i also have a question.. i had Facebook behind his back beacuse of the control, he found out about it and because of his insecurities he made a list of rules that we can and cant do so he can deal with it as he hates facebook. Is that ok? Am i not considering his feelings if i dont agree... he said if i don't then our relationship will end and its all beacuse of facebook... im so tired of not being able to be me... i hate life...i do nothing but mope around. I do love him but don't know if im in love with him. He has told our kids when he's been upset and angry that if him and i aren't together he won't see them much and that i will take them away... so they put the blame on me. He has told me that if we weren't together that he will make sure the kids really know how much of a liar i am... but i only do it cause he's so controlling and i don't like conflict. I don't do anything wrong... i just don't know how to deal with it anymore. Im numb, i have given upon life and no matter what people say i can't get out of it. Ive put on weight, i don't look after myself anymore... sometimes i think maybe the boys and my husband are better off without me. Im drowning and nobody even knows... what do i do.
Welcome back to the forum. Wow that sounds like a tough way to live. You're obviously doing all the right things taking AD's and seeing psychologist. How are you going wth the AD's and psychologist are they helping? Your husband dosen't sound like the warm, friendly, caring type. I think you have answered you own question. I hope you don't mind if I use dot points and some of your words:
- My relationship has been bad for the most part of about 4 -5years. - That's a long time to be unhappy?
- My husband is controlling and manipulative and i see it but don't want to believe it. - Why don't you want to believe it?
- i had Facebook.... he made a list of rules... so he can deal with it as he hates facebook. Is that ok? Does that sound reasonable to you, are you his child or his life partner?
- im so tired of not being able to be me... No wonder you're not enjoying your life, where's the fun?
- He has told our kids when he's been upset and angry that if him and i aren't together he won't see them much and that i will take them away... so they put the blame on me. Why would he say that to his children his job is to protect, support, encourage and love them? His job is not to scare them.
- i just don't know how to deal with it anymore. Im numb, i have given upon life and no matter what people say i can't get out of it. Ive put on weight, i don't look after myself anymore... sometimes i think maybe the boys and my husband are better off without me. Im drowning and nobody even knows... what do i do.
Your baby boys will not be better of without you. You are their mother and love them. We only get one mother and she is crucial to our upbringing. Don't think for a moment your not important you are irreplaceable. It worries me that you are so down. Can you see your doctor for a check up maybe your meds need adjusting?
Please don't feel you are alone, you can talk to people e.g. the BB chat line 1300 22 4436 or call Suicide Call Back Service1300 659 467 or lifeline on 13 1114.
I hope this helped a little. You're welcome back to chat anytime, there are a lot of people on here with a wealth of life experiences that will understand.
Take care, here's a hug, xx
Thank you Wednesday, the Ads are helping me but lately ive felt so much worse.. the pspsychologist seems to help a little but not to the point where i can make a decision. She tells me i am in an mentallyand emotionally abusive relationship and that i need to stand up for what i want and believe in. But its just so hard when I feel like im not being a good person or wife cause i always seem to upset my husband. He tells me that we need to do things to make each other happy but yet im a complete misery and im in denial... i don't want to believe the control and manipulation because i guess i just think its cause of the person i am is to why he's like this. I know my boys need me but its so hard pretending to be ok when im not. I also am scared if i leave my husband he will use my depression against me with my kids. I see my doctor Monday so hopefully I can get a little more help from her aswell. Thank you again for your reply. I know im the only one that can change it but i find it so difficult.
It's good to her back from you. You are in a rotten spot and your Psychologist has been quite blunt in her analysis of your relationship so there is no need to doubt your self. You do know what is happening and why you feel so bad.Maybe next time you see her you could ask her about the potential impact on your boys and how to help them given the sort of things your husband says.
I do understand when you are feeling so low it's hard to see the woods for the trees. Your strength is zapped and your head is struggling to cope with day to day issues. It will be good to see your doctor,(the sooner the better) don't hold back let them know how you are, no brave face!
Do you have any family or friends that you can turn to for some support?
Please don't give yourself a hard time. it's probably hard to see but by doing what you are doing, the meds, psychologist, reaching out to BB you are making a difference. These are all great steps that show you are trying to sort this out. It's not easy but you will be able to get through this.
Let me share little of my story. I had an abusive husband and young children, it took me ages to get out of the relationship and I made a lot of wrong steps along the way. Eventually, I left with nothing but a lot of debt that he had created. I had no family support. But it was the best thing I ever did. My kids survived better than they would have done if I had stayed and I doubt I would still be alive today. I have absolutely no regrets about my decision despite it's costs. No it wasn't always easy but I consider myself very lucky to have had the opportunities I've had since that relationship ended.
Take heart and small steps, every one counts. xx
I hate Facebook, but I still use it. I would never consider denying my partner from using it. Your husband seems like a real gem.
So have you talked about separation with your husband? What makes him think that you'll take the children away from him? To talk like he does in front of them like that is abuse in itself. In most cases if parents are equally involved then you should share the care post separation.
Sorry - I'll rewind a little bit. I'm sorry to hear about everything you're going through. I know what it's like to be unhappy in a marriage. How long have you been married? How old are your boys? What do you think happened 4 or 5 years ago to make things so bad? I know you feel like there's no hope right now but sometimes getting your thoughts out can help. I'm assuming your psychologist has suggested some counselling for the both of you? Going by your description he'd probably decline I guess...or deny...or get angry...or blame you for everything....all sounds very familiar.
I know you're in a really bad place, but there is hope if you can find just a little bit of strength in yourself to start moving forward. For me it was for my son. You don't have to do anything rash or crazy - just start with something (as in not about your husband - forget him for the moment). Perhaps it can be doing something for yourself. Go for a regular walk. Eat a little better. Instead of Facebook catch up with a friend. Losing that weight can be a simple but effective start to feeling better (and more confident). Exercise is equally effective as anti-depressants and often cheaper (no I'm not saying ditch the meds). Build up from there and maybe you can get the confidence to create a plan. If you work - can you expand this a little to become a little more self-sufficient? Do something fun with your boys.
With a little more self-confidence you can turn things around, be a little more self-reliant and less conscious of whatever your husband is carrying on about. Start a personal diary (keep it very secure) . This will come in handy is things don't turn out in the future. As I said you don't need to make any rash decisions. Just start somewhere - you already have by coming here. Now take it further. Do it for yourself. Do it for your boys. Don't live in denial, that helps no-one at all. More than happy to keep talking with you. Chin up!!