I don't know what I'm meant to do

[Ljtorana]

I have been through horrific sexual trauma as a child and now I feel rejected if I don't have sex, and due to my partners past relationships he hates sex... what do I do....?

[Croix]

Dear Ljtorana~

Welcome here to the Forum. Your position is a most upsetting one, and I'm not sure there is a quick fix for either of you, though it is definitely a two-person problem.

I doubt it is much good just telling you that a close relationship does not alays depend on sex. Honesty, kindness, cherishing and being cherished are all important, however this is mere logic and sex is so overlaid with emotion that logic is almost irrelevant.

May I ask if you have discussed this frankly with your partner, not in an accusatory or upset manner, but as a problem to be solved.?  Both of you are suffering, you from feeling shut out, and I'd expect your partner may be feeling inadequate and guilty (nobody who loves their partner wants to cause them grief) . As a result can you both agree to take steps individually and together to resolve this problem?

The idea being you come to have more confidence and can see how loved you are, and your partner comes to see sex in a different light, a pleasure, not a duty?

Do you think this is a possibility?

Croix

[sbella02]

Ljtorana,

I hear you. I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. Thank you for speaking out here, we're glad to have you here. You're safe on the forums.

Sexual trauma can have a huge impact on somebody's life. It can affect individuals in different ways, too. 

If you're comfortable discussing it with your partner, I would try and open up a conversation about how it has affected you, and perhaps what support you may need from them moving forward. Whether it's taking things extremely slow, or refraining from specific kinds of intimate contact. Whatever you need to feel safe and comfortable.

Have you had the chance to chat to a GP, therapist, or psychologist about your experience? It can be helpful to work through these kinds of experiences with somebody who can offer us professional advice, tips, and support.

We're here for you if you need to chat some more. We hear you.

All my best, SB