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I don't know if I should continue this LDR

Community Member

My boyfriend and I met 17 months ago online. We started off as friends and then came to visit from the USA in August last year, both of us were really nervous, neither of us wanting to be rejected. I was terrified that I wouldn't feel the same as him, however, after spending the week with him I did feel like my feelings were real and he was exactly as he had been for over a year. I was super thankful and appreciated that he chose to visit, since he had been making a very low income, was struggling with his Tourettes and his stutter. Additionally, he was meeting many people for the first time, but he did amazing. After he left though, things have really been going down hill, and maybe it's because we now know what it's like to be near one another.

He's a very genuine person. Very kind, very giving etc. I have never really dated properly before. At times, he can be nice verging on too nice, but I do appreciate how hard he tries. He struggles with his own anxiety, self-esteem and abandonment issues mostly from his upbringing. Additionally, the way we speak and learn is different, (plus technology) he often doesn't understand what I am saying and that is something I felt immensely stressful. He does take on board what upsets me but he has ADD and I think that he's not able to really get it. I have become bored by us, we talk daily and I often times find it all monotonous. I have taken time out, but it doesn't seem to get better, I have researched how to liven it up but it doesn't seem to work. We fight about his lack of response to my questions/concerns mainly, I'll express dreams for the future, and he doesn't often contribute but sit there and listens. Or agrees with me, which makes me feel like I control everything. We're both going to counselling. We send each other gifts, we have Skype dates, you name it we do it.

I wonder at times, are we just too comfortable? I am in love or am I still here because he's a lovely person? Am I simply afraid of being alone? Am I just missing the unpredictable? Why can't I just enjoy this? I am prone to overthinking, but it's hard knowing all you have is talking. He says he'll support whatever I decide, we are always honest with one another, he is one of my closest friends too. I just don't know if life's getting in the way or there's a bigger picture here? He wants to move here at the end of the year and though I have wanted that all along, I am now starting to get concerned, I feel so lost. I am the problem here.

2 Replies 2

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello Amara, I think you have actually answered your own question but need reinsurance, because you may both get on with each other but there is something that is missing, so this is making you begin to doubt whether or not this r/ship will ever work out.
Talking to someone o/s and then spending a week together may seem to be great, but it's totally different when you live with them, because all the hidden secrets start to appear, but from what you have said the secrets are appearing already, which is causing you to doubt if it would ever work out.
Can I mention an analogy similar to your situation where you have a relative o/s and been in contact with them frequently and the moment comes when they want to come over and visit you, staying with you, well they are different when you see them face to face, don't like this or doing that going against your expectations, then would they be able to live with each other for a long time, I don't think so, but it maybe different for you.
He maybe a very nice chap but once you start living with each other then it may not work out. Geoff.

Community Member

Hi Geoff,

I think my post was probably a little unclear. There were no secrets at all, when he arrived, it was exactly like he'd always been in Aus. I found nothing concerning and we settled into things easily. I genuinely had an amazing time, we had probably one moment of disagreement, but overall it was a positive experience for both of us. His personality didn't change in the slightest. I loved being with him when he was here.

We weren't planning to live together for a while anyway; but he was planning on moving here from America. Obviously he won't do so if I have no firm answer to give him.

I really really do care about him. I just don't know if it's simply platonic or if I feel the same. I can say that when he's gone and I don't speak to him, I do miss him, but maybe I just can't handle the LDR situation. I don't know...