I don't if I'm in the wrong but my headspace is regressing and I can't move out

[UnsureRightNow]

Hey, I'm a 21-year old guy. Never ever thought I'd find myself here but things have just gotten very bad recently...

My mum and I have a toxic relationship. I sensed we weren't just fighting like a normal mother-son relationship after she took me to New York when I was 14. I was being a prick, nagging her why she would send me to an all-boys Catholic school when all my other friends were in the public one. She told me she couldn't be around me and that she was going back to the apartment. I sat on a chair for maybe an hour then when I got back, there were police everywhere. She told them I ran off and it was very weird/ embarrassing for me to see her crying in the lobby as American police officers were saying I should never runoff again.

Ringing police for her was her only move. She would do it constantly and say I was being a bad kid to the cops whod try and lightly give me parental advice and she begged for sympathy. Obviously I never did anything physical to her in the slightest, but she knew with every argument, the threat of police would silence me up. It became a sick power move. When I was 19 she kept threatening me with a restraining order over disputes. I would swear at her as that was my only way to make her feel hurt. Stupid I know. Anyway one time, after I went on a trip, she went through with it. Police came to the door told me I had to go. Dad always just stood out of it, which I find weak as piss. So after I was told to leave she told me I could come back that same night. Pretended like nothing happend, then a few days later when a small fight broke out, she threatend that if she rang the police, id be charged for breaking it. Also, she lied on the restraining order. Said I pushed when she found my bong. She asked if I had it, i gave it to her AND NEVER PUSHED HER. Also because swore at her, she made the transcript say I was making sexual remarks to her. This threat went on for nearly a year, she even extended it. But last minute removed the charges (threat) and the court date disappeared.

Since then, I steer clear when she threatens police. I've apoligised to her for things I wasn't proud off in the past. Explained how threating the poilice is too messed up. But she can just act like everything is fine in a second - infront of my friends.

I'm 21. The toxicity is having a serious threat and she always steals my dads money. He has to hide it from her and they dont even sleep in the same bed. Financially i cant move out yet.

[Sophie_M]

Hi UnsureRightNow,
 
Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. We are community of open, compassionate and helping persons here to offer you peer support and a place to explore your thoughts and feelings
 
It sounds like you are in a difficult position with your mother and feel trapped in your current situation.
Have you been able to speak to your GP about how this situation is impacting you mentally?

Do you have any supports outside of home that you have been able to share your feelings with?
 
If you’d like some support from us we’re available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEDT on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our professional mental health counsellors at our Support Service will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area.
 
Welcome again and we hope you find the support you are looking for here.

[Croix]

Dear UnsureRightNow~

I’d like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here, a good move and I’ve a couple of suggestions I’ll get to in a minute..

You are right, it is a toxic relationship with both your parents (yes your father too). Your mother seems to be the controller, and you dad does not support you or defend you.

When one’s parents are not acting normally but are abusive it is very easy to be fooled into thinking a couple of things, firstly that it is more or less ‘normal’ and secondly that one blames oneself for most of the things over which you really had no control, including apologies and giving way.

It sounds like up until you were 14 you were able to voice your own opinions in relative security. Any kid must voice their opinions, it is part of growing up. Unfortunately, then your mother discovered the perfect way of making you do what she wanted by involving police, and cynically used this right the way though- things with no or little truth in them.

Your only defense has been either to swear at her or back down and do what she wanted -probably with a little coping via drugs. Under the circumstances I’m not sure what else you could have done. Children are not as powerful as their parents and simply cannot walk away.

I was in a more fortunate position than you, a weak father, a mother who always wanted her way, but no police, just disinherited with my father standing by and going along with it (I wanted to marry someone she disapproved of).

Obviously this will have taken its toll on you over the years, and you may well feel you are not as strong or capable as a result, which is why I’d suggest have others to give you proper support and help you chart what you wish to do -and what is realistic.

First, as this is most definitely an abusive relationship I’d call 1800 RESPECT, (1800 737 732). There are the go-to people for situations like this, with experience and a realistic outlook The other organisation would be the Kids Help Line (1800 55 1800)as you are under 25. Youwill find they understand how you feel, the problems you n=have had to face and will give you professional support.

[Croix]

Sorry about that , the internet swallowed my message and posted it incomplete -sigh

To continue ...

Actually apart from a little editing I'd already said most of what I wanted to say. Both those organizations can give you strength, purpose and sensible suggestions and are worth your time to talk with -and 21 is a good time to do it.

I notice you were taling American police, does that mean you are over here in Australia wihtout an extended family? I found another relation - an auntie- who was able to be a friend and really showed care -do you have anyone like that, it does help.

I hope to hear from you again

Croix