I committed adultery

[Anon_G]

Before you judge, please hear me out. I have been with my husband for 7 years and in an almost sexless relationship. He has trouble opening up his body to me and I have tried many things to help us become comfortable. Emotionally, he is introverted and I like to spend time outside doing things. We are very compatible when it comes to other important aspects like household chores, finances, asset building- we are both driven, successful in our own ways but emotionally I feel a big hole in my heart where I want my partner to hold me, love me and tell me am valued but he doesn't understand why verbal validation is so important. I am not sure if am a narcissist because I actively seeked sex outside my marriage which was deeply unfullfing and I felt terrible afterwards. I feel so guilty for my action but I have been so open with him about my issues that I feel divorce is the best course of action but something deep down just wants him to change. I feel so stuck and helpless.

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Anon_G,

A warm welcome to the forums, and thank you for posting your story. It can certainly be scary when posting something like this on the forums, and not knowing who and what others might say and judge you. But I can assure you that the BB Forums is filled with very friendly and supportive people that can help with listening and sharing feedbacks from a non-judgmental /empathetic point of view. It is a safe place for you to share what's on your mind that you need someone to listen and validate.

From reading your story, it is as you said, your husband has trouble opening up his body to you, and one of your needs in your current relationship isn't met (sexual needs). When one of a needs in a relationship isn't met, the options are to either to work it out with our partner about it to see if something can be done, or seek our needs elsewhere. But in this case, seeking our needs elsewhere has led us to feeling guilty and terrible for going behind their backs. Deep within your heart, you love your partner very much, and hope that he would change and be able to fulfill your needs in your relationship.

When you've opened up to him about your issue of not being able to have intimate moments with him, what was his reaction like? Since you've mentioned that you've tried many things to help him become comfortable, it feels like he was open to the idea of working on the issue, but the methods were probably not making much progress? Or did he completely dismiss your efforts of trying to make things work? You could consider proposing the idea to him about seeking out a relationship counsellor, who can help the both of you to resolve this issue in your relationship.

Happy to chat more with you Anon_G.

Jt

[Sophie_M]

Hi Anon_G, 

This sounds really difficult, and we're glad you could open up about it here. We hope you can find some comfort and understanding on the forums. This is a judgment-free space, so please feel free to share, knowing that you'll be met with understanding. We're sorry to hear how things have been, and we want you to know that we're here for you. 

It sounds like there have been issues in the relationship for some time, so we hope you can acknowledge that and be kind to yourself through this. Please know that you can call the Beyond Blue support team to discuss this with a counsellor, at any moment. The number is 1300 22 4636, and you can also use webchat or email if you'd prefer. If you want to chat to an expert that can help you talk through your relationship; we'd also recommend reaching out to Relationships Australia. They have a specific number for each state which you can find on their website as well as heaps of useful information.

We hope Jt's words are helpful to you. We're here, and we're listening, so please share more about how you're feeling if you feel comfortable to. Thank you again for sharing, you never know who will read your post and feel less alone in their own experience.  

Kind regard,  

Sophie M 

[Anon_G]

Thanks a lot. I have suggested many things and he has been receptive in the sense that he agrees with what I say but he doesn't act on it, for example, I have suggested multiple times that he shouldn't wait for me to initiate things all the time rather he can be spontaneous and do things for us, I've even suggested foreplay and he says "yes yes yes" but never does anything about it. I know I have now broken his trust and worse is as bad I feel about sex outside my marriage, what kills me that he even if i convince him to stay, he will probably never change. He is such a solid guy, kind, smart, caring but physically he's just not willing to even meet me half way. I am only 34, Pragmatic part of me tells me to suck it up and convince myself that this is it but then I look at other people and get so depressed. We have tried counselling before and it helped a little but there is such reluctances from him to make active changes, I genuinely think we have such differences in our sex drive that it has come to this. I am not sure if I want to hang on to hope and give up on my future.

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Anon_G,

I re-read your post once more, and my apologies for missing out on an important thing that you mentioned. You mentioned that emotionally, you feel a deep hole in your heart. Even though you're both compatible in terms of values such as your household chores, finances, assets building, and are both very successful in your own ways. But the deep emotional connection between the two of you are missing (or lacking). It may take some time for your partner to accept the active changes that was introduced by your previous counselling, Without the deep emotional connection, it can be difficult for the two of you to be intimate with each other (one who wants sex, while the other doesn't).

I wonder if it might be something more than just an issue of 'sex drive'. It almost sounds like, your partner is afraid of being vulnerable and open up emotionally to connect with you? From the outside, he's a solid and well rounded person, and you hardly have any (or none at all) arguments with him throughout your relationship. But on the inside, perhaps he has walled up his emotions and feelings, and is afraid of breaking down that barrier and make an emotional connection with you. Would this be something that your counsellor have brought up with you as well during your last counselling visit?

Jt