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I cheated, I cant live with myself. Ive lost all my friends and I dont know where to turn.
None of the following excuses me from what I did. I jumped into a relationship with a partner who loved me a lot. I wasn't 100% wanting a serious relationship as I had just gotten out of an abusive situation and had spent the proceeding months before I met this girl just jumping from one none serious thing to the next. Life being what it is it turned into a relationship and quickly became more serious than I had planned.
She moved in to escape her home life and we spent a year living in a bungalow (1 Room with no personal space for either of us) She didn't have a job and I had to drive her everywhere and this made her dependent on me. Which makes me feel worse about all of this. It all came to a head when I panicked and looked outside of the relationship in an effort to not feel trapped like I had been in my last situation. I should never of done it and I should of been more open from the start. I had just developed such a deep fear of confrontation and being alone. I never cheated physically beyond one kiss the rest was digital flirting and so on. Still horrible and low behavior but I'm just kinda clarifying for my own sake I suppose.
A very long story cut short by a character limit basically leads to her finding out and dumping me (fair enough) But since then I've been wracked with guilt. All my friends who didn't really even know her just took her side, blocking me and shunning me without so much as a goodbye. All this combined has left me feeling alone and unlovable. Im not sure how much longer I can hang in there. Is there any advice for coping with this guilt? Any advice is well and truly appreciated.
I know I did wrong and I vow never to be that person again but is there a way that I can move on from this? Become better? Do I deserve to move on? Does this stain me forever?
hi and welcome to beyond blue.
everyone's situation is unique and in your case, it seems your friends are blocking you for cheating.I do have two questions. (Sorry)....
What did you means be being more open? Or what were you hoping for the relationship?
When I read that I had a certain expectation in mind as to what you had done vs "what you had done". I am also not suggesting you are a saint either. Your actions were bad (for lack of a better word) but you as a person as a person are not. So, Yes you do deserve to move on. And perhaps only time will help you move on. You could do a google search for....
- coping with guilt from cheating
- beyond blue coping with guilt from cheating
you will find articles from other users and see that you would not be only person in this situation. And find out what other people have done to move on. I will listen to you also if you want to chat more...
Welcome to the forums 👋 I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time of things at the moment. From the sounds of it you were clearly not in a position to be in a relationship (which I’m sure you’re aware of) and it doesn’t sound like your ex was either, so it was destined to fail from the outset I’d say. Like small wolf, I was under the assumption from your post that you had slept with someone else and that is what brought the relationship to an end. However, it sounds as though you engaged in some digital flirting and a brief kiss and that was the extent of things. That’s not to excuse your behaviour but I’m a little surprised that your friends refuse to see or speak to you over it, despite not even really knowing your ex? How did they find out about it? Yes you stuffed up, and yes you shouldn’t have done it but I think these are somewhat mitigating circumstances at play that partially explain your behavior (although don’t excuse it). I think you can stop being so hard on yourself, although I understand that your friends are perhaps compounding this guilt with their reaction.
If you can't live with yourself, the self you were, this says a lot about who you are and who you're challenged to become.
You already know who you were, based on how you defined yourself
- Someone who felt trapped under certain circumstances
- Someone who could not communicate when there was fear in confrontation
- Someone who could not fully trust and follow their instincts, ignoring the call to not get into a serious relationship
- Someone who had difficulty facing the deeper challenges of a relationship, being honest about your feelings before things got out of control
So, that's who you were.
Who you are is someone who is remorseful, someone who sees reason (regarding your ex's pain and the decision to end things), you are someone who wishes to be more conscious, not repeat the same mistakes. This is who you are.
Who you decide to be is going to really challenge you
- I am going to be someone who works through and beyond the judgement of others, no matter how painful this will be at times
- I am going to be someone who communicates clearly in a relationship, with care and without fear
- I am going to work on trusting my instincts, listening more carefully to the inspiration that comes to mind, such as what comes to mind perhaps being 'The relationship is moving too fast. It's too fast to be able to maintain it carefully, thoughtfully and faithfully'
- I am going to be someone who never repeats the same mistakes if I can help it, someone more conscious than ever before
Working on naturally being this person is going to be hard work, without a doubt. It's about reforming yourself beyond a mistake or misdeed. I know, easier said than done but if you work on practicing being this person, you will eventually be able to say 'I am naturally someone who is able to move move through and beyond the judgement of other, I am someone who communicates clearly in a relationship, with care and fearlessness' and so on.
Guilt can be a torturous thing, it can be mind altering and sickening (leaving us feeling physically ill). Guilt is powerful. It can also be powerful enough to set us on a path which leads us to reform our self in the most amazing of ways. The question becomes 'Do we decide to face guilt forever or can we simply see it as a signpost when it comes to choosing the best possible path, regarding the way forward?' The choice remains ours.
I guarantee there are people who could easily say 'If not for guilt, I would never have become the person I am today'.
I know how it would have looked to her finding the messages she found. And I made it worse by trying to cover it up. I guess I'm torn up because when I say she loved me she LOVED me she wanted nothing but the best for me but unfortunately, she was a burden, she had no intention of growing or becoming better as a person, just content to do nothing with her life, any improvements she wanted to make were for me and not her you know? I just feel bad for causing someone so much heartache... I just cant get to grips with having that much of a negative impact on someone I wanted to help.
Is there any way to come to terms with who you were and move on, without feeling terrible every night? I think the replies are right that the friends blocking me tipped me over the edge. But now Im trapped in this really dark place.
As for your questions: I should of been more open about the way I was feeling and why I was searching for a way out.
I dont understand the other question. I thank you for reaching out. Again sorry for taking a bit to get back.
Yeah It was abit harsh but I have a feeling they may of been looking for an excuse. Im not the easiest person to get along with haahah. One of them became a friend with her whilst we were dating and he found out from her and proceeded to tell everyone and bam. All gone. Whatever the reasoning It was a bit shitty to find out and it certainly did make me feel somehow worse than I already felt. I guess now its just coping with the guilt until the guilt goes away whilst pledging to be a better person. Thanks for your warm welcome to this forum and your lack of judgement.
that second question was more in line with asking ... were you just waiting to help a friend? expecting to remain friends? or looking or some temporary? Or ????
In your reply to my post you also said you were looking for a way out of the relationship.
If you did not cheat, would you have been able to tell her how you were feeling?
The feeling guilty part is also normal. Mistakes are also an opportunity to learn - at least that is what someone told me.
And hiding or covering up a never a good idea. It can makes things look worse and could make the person revisit old relationships in their mind. Do you also know what was said to your friends? (If you were blocked it is a bit hard to find out?)
As an aside, my son lost most of his friends in highschool (grade 11) because of a rumor that someone made up. Thing is, nobody ever told him whatever he was alleged to have done.
I am not trying to make you into a saint that did nothing wrong, or the same for your partner. Perhaps the best thing to do would be to reflect upon the relationship and what happened, and then work out what you would do differently next time?
You sound remorseful which is a good thing to have. Have you considered asking her to forgive you and then forgive yourself.? Maybe this will help let go of the heavy guilt you feel
I am sorry you are going through this. Guilt is the worse feeling because no matter what happens or anyone says until you forgive yourself it wont change. Remember that you are human, and its okay to make mistakes because we can always learn from them. It is a great thing that you are able to reflect and have insight on yourself and what has happened. You are remorseful which shows that you are not a horrible person. It sounds like right from the start you weren’t ready to be in a relationship and the fact that your last relationship was abusive, it must of left some scars. You can’t change the past, give yourself time to forgive and learn from the mistake. Because of your history with relationships maybe it would be a good idea to see a councellor or psychologist to help you deal with guilt and other issues that are bothering you. Sometimes there are other underlying issues that you might not be aware off until you dig a bit deeper. But by working on yourself first everything else will follow and fall into place.