I can’t really explain it.

[Shellyem]

I’m a mum of two beautiful boys, and a partner to a man I feel disconnected to. The best way I can explain this is I haven’t been feeling myself, I’m exhausted; could quite literally spend all day in bed but that just not reality. I’m tired, over worked and feel under appreciated. My partner is fifo, and when he comes home he still wants his alone time, but I don’t understand it. Where my alone time? I don’t get to switch off, I have to think for 2 other people before myself and often I have to think for my partner too. He’s messy, he looses things and my patience is waring thin. I don’t know why I feel this way, it’s not me, I’m taking it out on everyone around me and it’s not fair, but I don’t know how to break the habit. I tried telling my partner I wasn’t feeling right and he tried to talk to me but I didn’t want to listen, I got the same old “you have to work on yourself I can’t help you if you don’t want to be helped” but I do. Just not by him, I constantly feel criticized, I and it’s taking a toll on me emotionally, I don’t really know what I’m asking. I just need help, I want to be “me” again, but where do I start?

[Doolhof]

Hi Shellyem,

If you don't mind me asking, are your children school aged or are they both at home? Either way, I am sure you are kept busy running the house and looking after all the family.

Would you consider having a chat to your Dr to see if they can make some suggestions to you?

The Beyond Blue web site has a lot of information on depression, reading some of that may help you decide if you consider this is what you maty be experiencing, then take your finding to the Dr.

It must be difficult having a fifo partner, expecting some help and time to yourself when they are at home and then find you are doing everything still.

Is it possible to find even a small amount of time for yourself each day to do something that you enjoy? Can you incorporate some interesting outings with your children so you have extra pleasure in your life?

How would it feel if you were to write a list of things you would like to do, then choose one. Consider ways you may be able to achieve that one thing.

Hope you are able to find some answers!

All the best from Dools

[GoodWitch]

It's hard being a parent, especially if you feel like you're doing it largely on your own. Your partner is away a lot, then when he is home he gets his alone time but you don't get any. I think you need to push harder for this with him. If he gets to go fishing/surfing, whatever is his thing, you should get equal time, it's that simple. Sure he's been away working hard, but you've been working too and parenting is 24/7. You deserve a break as much as he does. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to take care of others, and your children need you. To a certain extent you should take care of your partner too, but not at your expense. He needs to do an equal amount of caring for you, or he just becomes another responsibility you need to take care of, like a third child.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but I speak from personal experience. Everything you said rang true for me. I didn't have a partner in my hub I had another responsibility and it wore on me until I couldn't take it anymore and now we're getting divorced. When I used to ask for help I got similar non-assistance as you've described. 'It's your problem you need to change your attitude'. But it was OUR problem and he should have helped me with it. That's what a true partner does.

If you are able to access counselling, it is a great place to start. It helped me enormously. If you see your GP and tell her/him how you are feeling, say you might be depressed (feeling like you want to sleep all day is a symptom, I had that too), you can get a referral for 10 sessions with a psychologist. This referral entitles you to a rebate on the cost so it makes it cheaper. I encourage you to start there. Alternatively if that's not possible you can ring the hotline here at beyond blue they might have other suggestions.

Wishing you the best

GW