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I can't love fully
Im having relationship problems with my boyfriend who I care about very much and its getting me down. He tells me that my love is conditional, which in a way i guess it is and i hate it. When we have an argument and his on my 'bad side' its like my mind shuts off everything i felt for him and all our memories, all my feelings get shut off. I treat him like i dont care about him and ill be honest, in that moment a part of me doesnt. Lots of times i wish he would just leave me alone because he has no worth to me anymore (when were fighting). I say harsh things aswell. I wish i was normal where i could just have a conversation and tell him he hurt me/my feeligs and then be okay with it and move on but no, my mind goes defensive. Ive tried to do that but theres something in my mind that doesnt allow me to just 'be okay with it', its like i have to do more. Either get revenge or just shut my feelings off for him.
This feeling can go for a few days, ill still be around him but ill feel withdrawn. We have usually said sorry by thus point but the feeling still lingers for me. I wont feel attracted to him in the slightest, Its almost like i need to get him to get me to fall back in love with him. Its such a huge process.
I look at my bf and i know his normal. When we fight he explains to me how ive hurt him (even if its small) and he expresses his emotions. Then i say sorry and we move on and were back to normal,he doesn't withhold his love like I do. He tells me he always loves me even when we fight and that he never hates me.
My emotions are so extreme,either i love you or i hate you theres no in between. I black and white think alot.
Why do i do this?
Hi auschic, welcome back to the forums. We can see you've been here and started up threads a while back - a number of our members took the time to reply to you and didn't hear back. It would be great if you could respond and update them as to how things went for you in those threads. You're more likely to continue getting support in the future if you take the time to acknowledge members who are reaching out to support you:
I think I'm depressed, how do I talk to a doctor?