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I can’t help but feel insecure about my boyfriend’s open use and he says he’s sick of having to justify it
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years now and I know that he watches porn and he said he would cut down a while ago. But since then he’s had profiles of girls on Facebook up which are provocative or tabs open of porn when I’m around and I’ve gotten upset. I’ve tried to just condition myself into just thinking of sex in a different way and not viewing myself as special or the only one for him but I still feel really pathetic and ashamed of my body and my value when these situations occur. I’ve explained this to him and have tried to communicate that sex holds a lot of trauma for me from a past relationship where an ex would compare me to these people (Porn) and restrict what I could eat or if I wouldn’t do something tell me he would just drop me and find someone who would so I feel a lot of fear and shame already just being with someone intimately. But when I try to explain that I understand why he does it but it still makes me feel like I’m not enough and scared to be vulnerable he says he’s over having to justify himself and comfort me and that I’m draining and unreasonable and wouldn’t find someone who doesn’t watch porn so I just need to get over it.
I’m also just already feeling insecure as he often makes a big deal out of telling me that he could be with anyone and that it is always a possibility. A friend of his recently told me he tells me this on purpose and that he thinks it’s important that I’m always aware that it isn’t for sure and keeps me putting in effort. But I feel like it’s putting me into a state of constant fear of just being dropped when something better comes along rather than being attentive.
I just don’t know what to do because I’m really trying to just accept that whomever I am with won’t completely be satisfied with me. But it’s really hard and I just don’t feel hopeful about the future anymore. I use to be really idealistic almost to a fault and now I just don’t feel like I’m ever going to have a relationship where I’m enough for them and it really hurts. I just feel like I’m not allowed to feel how I feel and that me not being able to accept him watching porn is making him not want to be with me and that I need to just get over it. I feel ashamed that it bothers me and that I’m making him stressed but I can’t just shut off my initial feelings of shame in myself when this happens. I don’t know how to fix myself and not ruin my relationship. I wish I could just be okay with it.