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I can't control my anger

Community Member

My relationship is suffering greatly because I cant control my impulse and the things that come out of my mouth. He is my 1st bf. I have been cheated on by him 2x in the past

I have anxiety n get frustrated n it's hard to contain without clenching my fists, picking my scalp until it bleeds, picking my skin, etc. I feel as though I have only two options when i'm feeling this way, either I cry to let emotion out or I want to start spewing verbal abuse or get physical

This past week he has been busy with assignments and with work n I have no problem with him doing that n I tell him to not call me until he is completely finished everything he needs to do to better his life

On Sunday we barely spoke and I had expressed to him the last few days that I have been feeling down and irritated so that he knows if I get annoyed it's not because of him. He spoke to me for 5 mins and told me he would call me after dinner which was fine with me

After a few hours I call him to make sure he is ok, he told me he was taking someone home n would call when home

After 3 hours I was worried I call again n he hung up. I can tell when he hangs up compared to when it just rings through, (different voicemail). I call again n he hung up again. I know I should have stopped calling n let him get back to me when he had the chance but I felt sick to my stomach and had a gut feeling he was somewhere he shouldn't be. I called a total of 126 times n when he finally picked up he was at a club, I lost it n told him to go home or we are done. The next day we had a bad argument about why he lied to me and I lost it.

I was screaming at him and swearing. Him laughing at me made n me even more angry. He adds oil onto flames n makes me worse. I know it was manipulative to give him and ultimatum but at the time I was so enraged I didn't know what else to say. He was upset and told me I was crazy for calling 126 times and didn't understand why I was so angry and I quote I said "Yeah I called 126 times, I would have called 1000 times. I would have gotten on that MotherF plane and burnt down your house is how angry I am". He admitted to lying and he did give me explanation as to why he lied and to me it meant nothing. I would have he rather told me the truth. I cant stand being lied to and its what triggers my rage and anger.

Please help me. I cant control myself. My anger gets worst the more times things like this happen, what do I do?!

2 Replies 2

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi there and welcome. I hope you find it safe to vent, talk and ask questions here.

while my situation (and everyone else's) is different, I can tell you I can relate. When someone you care deeply about does or says something they don't intend on being hurtful but it does it can lead to a great amount of negative emotions and painful experience.

my suggestion is (as hard as this is!) take a step back. Breathe. Think about what You want for Yourself. Do you want this toxic relationship to continue the way it's going? Do you want something to change? Do you see yourself saying or doing something a bit different for you and your relationship?

sometimes it's a matter of finding something else to do like boxing to get any anger and hurt out, meditation/mindfulness to keep calm and process thoughts or distract yourself or finding someone to help you express yourself better to improve the relationship (or find a better way out if you think it has to come to that).

its ok to be and just let be, let him live his life and let him come to you if her Really wants you...saying that you also have to let him know if he wasn't a anything with you he's gotta be honest, open and committed for you/your relationship and to himself.

hope that makes sense lol

it's good to talk with a counsellor who is trained or knows how to help you in or out of a bad situation like you described.

good luck sweet. Take care of yourself, do something nice for you now and get back to us about how you are going.

Here for you.

Community Member

Hi there,

Thank you for your help. I appreciate the kind words in this messy time. I keep wanting to go back to the Councillor but each time I went they said the pressure was due to my family and urged me to move out. I am now living in one state while he and my family are in another which may also be the key to our issues.

When I go to visit or when he comes here we generally have no problems. I am moving back in a month and I'm really thinking about our relationship. My parents hate him and his family because I ran away from my own home to his with the help of his family last year.

They think we are broken up but we aren't. In fact I fell pregnant last year which led to a miscarriage that only him and his mother know about which is why it's so hard to walk away. Because despite the bad times and the fact I would lose everyone I care about if they knew we were together I love him with my whole being but it's so stressful to now go back and start seeing him again in secret.

I just want to be happy. I want my family to be happy for me and I want him to stop holding a grudge against my family for the bad times that happened between me and them. However, there is a massive culture difference as my family is eastern European and his is South African.