I am not ok

[LostAquarius]

I can’t do this another minute longer. I am not ok. I need desparately for this to stop. I can’t handle the way my daughter treats me anymore. It’s making me sick, dizzy, confused, exhausted, in a daze and severely depressed.
She’s 9. I’m 32. It’s been a power struggle since her toddler years. I admit I have been lost and unstable in regards to discipline. She is not a bad kid, she is just frequently very heartless towards me. It hurts. I know that somehow this must be my fault and I do accept that. But it still hurts. A lot. Especially now she has met some neighbourhood kids, they have changed her horribly just in a few weeks. I am terrified of what is going to continue to get worse. I am so alone. I have no support. Her biological father died just before Christmas 2 years ago. Her step dad just went to prison 3 weeks ago. I have very prominent social anxiety which affects daily living. I try to balance work between school hours but have her in after school care a couple of days which she hates me for but I am trying to earn enough money to live.
The best way I can describe her behavior, is unfortunately....obnoxious.
our personalities are complete opposites so that in itself is challenging, though I accept that she is her own person and I love her for it but I don’t think I deserve to be treated like a peasant. She turns her nose up at meals. Leaves the house when I say not to. Whines and complains about EVERYTHING. Leaves rubbish and her bike or scooters laying around without consideration to neighbours (we live in a unit). I have tried so hard to teach good values and I myself certainly live by them. But she rebels. I am terrified that she is going to be kidnapped or hit by a car whilst outside with the neighbours. They don’t seem to have any common sense or care and they just run about doing whatever. I have explained as much as I can about safety near cars and not to go anywhere with any body etc etc all of that but then last week I found out she had walked to the shops with just one of the neighbours who is also 9. I was so disappointed and have now become increasingly anxious making sure I can always see her or always hear her from the windows.
I need to get out of this unit. It’s so awful. I am grateful not to be homeless but I still wish I could get away from here. I am so stressed I can barely breathe.

[Sophie_M]

Hey LostAquarius, thanks for reaching out on the Beyond Blue forums tonight. We're so sorry to hear how overwhelmed you are feeling at the moment and we can understand why. It must be very difficult and exhausting to feel your daughter is not listening to your concerns or treating you with respect. Please know you have come to a safe place to share these thoughts and our community is here to support you through this tricky situation. 
 
We'd recommend that you get in contact with Parentline. Talking to a Parentline counsellor can help you navigate difficult parenting dilemmas such as the one you've outlined. If you follow the link below it will take you to the contact numbers for Parentline in each State/Territory: https://kidshelpline.com.au/parents/issues/how-parentline-can-help-you    

If you feel that it would be beneficial to about your feelings with a counsellor, please, contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. 

There are also a number of resources on our Healthy Families website that could prove useful to you. You can access them here: https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/age-6-12

Please check in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.

[Croix]

Dear LostAquarius~

Welcome back to the Forum, I see it has been a couple of weeks since you posted and I regret you have not had more answers, I'm afraid the system does not work as well as we would like. Please rest assured this is nothing to do with you, or the subject of your post.

I've not been able to find and read all your posts however I have an idea of life since your daughter was born and I am guessing that her step-dad who was just gone to prison is the man you were married to in your September post "Life is giving me two paths ".

My apologies if I've misunderstood.

Children do need reassurance throughout their lives and from the description you gave of your husband was not likely to get it from him. In addition her natural father left her, and is now dead.These may have had a pretty profound effect on your daughter, who is only around 9 and who may feel greif, abandonment, guilt, low self esteem or a host of other emotions.

As far as I understand it young person's minds are not as fully developed as an adults and may go down what seems like wrong over-emotional or illogical paths, something they would not do as older.

Reactions to this can be all sorts of things, maybe trying for self reliance by battling with you, maybe blaming you, maybe directionless rebellion. I've no idea.

Perhaps a partial long term answer may be found (I'm no expert) in trying to communicate -even if attempts are repulsed. Trying to allow as much autonomy as is safe and reasonable -ensuring the reasons for this are well explained and understood and trying to get the pair of you to solve your differences with as much input from her as possible.

It takes patience, the willingness to be rebuffed many times, and the ability to draw boundaries and stick to them.

Perhaps the matter of after school care might be a good subject to try to explain reasoning. Even a visit to your work in the process might help, as might a visit by you in her presence to the care center. You may both end up realizing what the other goes though.

If you are divorcing I think the advice Betternow gave you is very sensible, particularly not rushing to another as you separate.

What I am trying to say is that it is easy to say no, to be a barrier to her wants, (and even get cross) which simply leads to disobedience and contempt) . Trying instead to be a calm reasonable pillar in her life may be possible in time with patience.

If you would like to talk about this some more you are welcome

Croix

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