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I am new, please be gentle..... and sorry for the long vent
i am not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I am having somewhat of a clear moment so please forgive the word vomit.
over the past 3 years my life has been imploding, at first organising my wedding, then having my wedding hijacked by the mother and sister inlaw, then my marriage and workplace took a sharp decent at the same time. I wasn't allowed to have input on my own wedding, it still classes as my most horrible day, I love the man I married but I felt it was his families day not "our day" since then my MIL and SIL have gone out of their way to cause hurt. Everything from publicly saying I have genetic disorders, my family is violent (all untrue) to encouraging my 6 year old nephew to say sexist things to me. My husband has over the past 2 years developed anger management issues, and my employer encourages my coworkers to undermine and belittle me. It all came to a horrible head 3 weeks ago when my SIL abused me ver the phone, I had called her and extended an olive branch, she called me a humiliation upon her family, and an abomination on the earth, as well as abusive names and personal attacks and she says everyone hates me (I'm paraphrasing, happy to direct quote but it was lengthy) my husband has informed me, I am to blame.
I know I have chronic health issues that are painful and made worse with stress (but not genetic) and now on reflexion, I feel I probably have an anxiety disorder. I find myself lightheaded and breathless multiple times a day. Overnight I became a clean freak, but now I can't stand to sit at a table unless all the items on the table are lined up millimetre perfect. Failure to drink 4 litres of water a day and chew each piece of food 40 times feel potentially fatal. And I'm finding myself staring into space contemplating no longer existing each night.
i grew up believing if I was a good person who tried to help wherever I could then I would be of value, but now I am left feeling the world would be better if I stepped back out of it.
I have tried reasoning, negotiating even bargaining with my husband for his kindness, he claims I ruin everything and yells at me each night when I return from work.
I just want my husband to treat me the same way as he did when we were dating, the more this goes on the less hopeful I am that he will.
he is now refusing marriage counciling, he calls it "airing dirty laundry"
i feel I have been chipped away and there is not much left, weak, hollow, fragile.
The anxiety manifestations make a lot of sense from reading your post. You feel like you have lost control in so many areas of life, the anxiety and rituals is your brain's way of trying to get it back. For example, this table will be lined up perfectly, drinking and eating in this particular way will keep me alive. Of course, the terrible irony is that this doesn't work and ends up compounding you feeling trapped.
You don't mention your own family in all of this. It sounds like you need some people around you who can support you. Who can you call on?
At the very least, if your husband is refusing counselling, I would recommend it for yourself. Don't let yourself get chipped away further.
Thanks for taking the time to share what is going on with you. Hopefully you find these forums useful.
I am so sorry to hear about your husbands family and the way your husband is treating you. Everyone deserves respect and fairness, it doesn't seem like you are getting much of that at the moment.
I agree with Jess's thoughts, it might be time to see someone like a counsellor or psychologist to get some objective thoughts on how best to cope with the situation. I had a similar issue with my mother in law when we first got married so I got some tips from a psychologist on how to not let the words impact me. Saying that, my husband was very supportive and as soon as my mother in law observed me not reacting to her comments and my husband standing up for me, she backed off. We now have a good relationship - not perfect as she is full on and rude but I try not to take things personally.
To see a psychologist you need a referral which you can get from your GP. It would be helpful if you told your GP what is going on and mention the other mental and physical things you are experiencing. She/he might have some good ideas on the whole situation.
Please be gentle to yourself. Is there a hobby you enjoy or exercise you can do or time to have coffee with friends? It is important that you get time away from the home environment and get some headspace.
Your problem is sadly quite a common one, and the toll it is taking on you is serious. Nobody who has any feeling can live in environment where they are reviled and despised. Self confidence and self worth vanish, worry takes over all and one can end up thinking one is to blame.
All the hateful behavior of your in-laws could be bearable I guess except for one vital factor.
Blue Jane has hit the nail on the head when she said "my husband standing up for me". In your life you husband not only is not standing up for you but is one of the persecutors. Unhappily the front he put on before you were married - the man you fell in love with - does not exist and he is simply showing his true undesirable self.
You are the subject of abuse (which doe not have to involve physical violence to be highly harmful). Putting you down and blowing hot and cold are typical examples of psychological abuse..
I think your family may - sadly - be on the right track. There is no cure for this sort of thing, and if you try to live with it for too long you may well act on that feeling of leaving the world. Such suicidal thoughts are a very big warning you need to take action right away - not your husband - you.
In your shoes the first thing I would do is leave and go to your family, a supportive environment is essential. The second thing I'd do is visit a GP and in a long consultation say everything that has been happening, the suicidal thoughts, the ritual eating actions and anything else you can think of. Your anxiety needs professional help as do the thoughts of suicide.
If you find you are overwhelmed or else frighted of what you might do the please ring a crisis line such as The Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) who are sensible, comforting and very competent. You also need general advice as to what to do in an abusive relationship. Our own bb 24/7 Help line (1300 22 4636) may be able to recommend an organization. Otherwise try 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732.
I'm sorry to bombard you with so much serious information, however your situation is a horrible one that is dangerous for you.
Please come back and talk more, we are here for you and care. The situation is in no way your fault.
Thank you Croix for all of your infomation. I will go to the GP for a referral tomorrow.
I am still confused as to what is to be edited out on this forum, so moderators please forgive any crossed lines in what follows
i did at one stage research suicide, I wanted to have a better understanding. After learning the dangers of failed attempts (by that I mean the injuries caused) I decided to fight harder to carry on.
also, I am not religious, I don't know if I have a soul, or where it may or may not go, that uncertainty is for me, is crippling.
So while I do not wish to exist, I am not suicidal. I am very concerned that a panic attack may kill me.
He sounded today like he would be nice to me, but then he told me I had to go to his sisters house to beg for her forgiveness, the physical pain of the thought of being face to face, let alone out numbered was shocking. When I didn't answer, I was yelled at again. And the cycle continues.
again, to the mods, I appreciate the effort you put into this work, it can not be easy to read so many desperate and depressed people pour their pain onto page, you are all truely braver than I.
Thank you for replying and I'm glad you are not thinking of taking your life. The emphasis now needs to be how to improve it.
In your situation there is a great tendency to believe you are at fault, and that there must be a 'grain of truth' to all the criticism everyone heaps on you. It is this tendency bullying people play on and it has to be resisted. If you had someone on your side to give both comfort and a sense of perspective at you home than I think you might have been able to stand your ground. Sadly that is not the case. It does not appear as if you have any allies in that family.
It is obvious that you have married into a close knit group and are seen as an intruder. I doubt very much that your husband has to 'beg forgiveness' with his sister, more likely he is simply saying that.
It is a blessing your own family is on your side.
Now you did say "I am very concerned that a panic attack may kill me". I"m not exactly sure what you mean by that. A panic attack is a most unpleasant thing, and while it is happening one can feel like it is a heart attack or even that one is dying. Is this what you mean?
Actually panic attacks are not fatal, I ought to know, I've had many of them over the years. The best way to deal with them of course is the treat the underlying cause - anxiety. You are taking steps already to do that by seeing your GP.
When one occurs there are things you can do - like I do
Firstly realize that it is a panic attack, and that it is non-fatal and you have had them before and coped and realize also it is a fear reaction blown up out of all proportion, caused by your situation.
Secondly practice breathing in slowly though mouth for a count of 5, hold for 2, then out slowly through mouth for 5 more.This is calming and restores the oxygen imbalance caused by rapid breathing.
Try to 'ride out' the attack, insofar as you can keep trying to do things. Talking with someone you trust can help too. Move away if you can.
Other people have their own methods. I also use a free smartphone app called Smiling Mind to bring my mind back under control.
Don't worry too much about the moderators editing your posts.. All people have to do is really common sense. The Red Community Rules button at top of ever page is very helpful in saying what is acceptable.
It is not a hassle or something to worry about. OK?
Please realize none of this is your fault. It is unfair that you have to deal with it, but you will
the panic attacks worry me because I feel like I will pass out, that I can't breath, I had one today, and I fainted. I came to much later than I thought and was 30 minutes late for work. Cue criticism from the boss, I was accused of being hungover.
Im spending more and more time in bed over the last few days.
I used to meditate frequently, now my mind can't focus in, unwanted memories keep flying through my mind, clear like reliving each of them, I've lost the ability to clear my mind.
Yes panic attacks are very scary, I was convinced I was having a heart attack, the inability to breath is familiar too, though I've never actually fainted, just felt woozy. The steps I take do work over time, there is an awful lot of practice involved.
Talking of practice, Smiling Mind is an excellent substitute for meditation (well I think it is:) It guides you thorough and helps focus. Again it takes practice, but well worth it. It specifically helps the situation you are talking about.
I'm sorry about your boss - an insensitive type. Maybe he thinks everyone is like him and rolls up late worse for drink. Mind you I'm pretty impressed after that panic session you managed to get to work. Shows determination and courage.
Retreating into bed is something a lot of people do when life is horrible and they have no energy. Hopefully as your circumstances change and you have treatment for your anxiety this need will diminish.