FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

I am in currently in the process of ending a relationship with someone who I believe has BPD

Hocus
Community Member

Hi,

I just wanted to reach out.

I am in currently in the process of ending a relationship with someone who I believe has BPD.

He was diagnosed when he was younger but never sought help for it.

I have this intense urge to make it all go away and stay but am terrified it will just always be the same.

I've never been able to talk without him feeling criticised even if what I bring up is a genuine reason for anyone to be upset, such as not paying the rent that week. He just gets angry and I end up feeling so horrible I just forgive him.

He has abused marijuana our whole relationship and when he says he'll quit it's only for a short period and does it behind my back.

I feel unloved and unappreciated most of the time and the relationship is definitely not even financially as I work full time and him not at all so in turn I pay for nearly everything.

I am so terrified to lose him but also so terrified for it to continue.

I am hoping someone else has been in my shoes and can give me some advice.

I have this overwhelming feeling of guilt that he isn't going to be okay if I leave because I still care and want him to be happy.

Why is it that even though there has been multiple Occassions that it's been clear that I should leave or even feel hatred towards him that there is a huge part of me that just wants to stay and try and make it work?

1 Reply 1

JessF
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
Hello Hocus,

Let's leave the BPD out of it for now, as it's not medically part of the equation right now, and I also think you're using it as an excuse to hold on to what is clearly a very dissatisfying relationship.

It's important to realise: you cannot fix him, BPD or not. He is who he is, and any change in his character or behaviour will have to be initiated by him. Perhaps realising that he has lost a relationsip over it will be enough, perhaps it won't. That is not something over which you have any control. You are not his mother.

As to your last question, 'Why is it that even though there has been multiple Occassions that it's been clear that I should leave or even feel hatred towards him that there is a huge part of me that just wants to stay and try and make it work?'

It is seen so often here on these forums, you will see many many threads just like this one. I think it could be because you're terrified of being on your own, so terrified that you're willing to put up with almost anything rather than face that unknown.

Coming from someone who has been on both sides, single for a number of years and in relationships that are terrible, I can tell you that it is far, far better to be on your own than with someone who simply isn't interested enough in your wellbeing to fit in with your life, and only expects you to fit in with theirs.

The key sentence for me is 'I feel unloved and unappreciated most of the time and the relationship is definitely not even financially as I work full time and him not at all so in turn I pay for nearly everything.'

What are you so terrified of losing? You are treading water in a deep lake and he is a concrete block around your neck.