I am having relationship issues because I compulsively lie

[Dusty_dee]

I have been in this relationship for almost a year now and I am still lying about silly stuff. I grew up with strict parents and had to lie about a lot of stuff in order to be allowed to go see friends and stuff like that. I was in a toxic relationship before this one and I had to lie frequently to spare his feelings. I just want to know if anyone has been through this and how they stopped.

[P0L0]

Hello Dusty Dee,

I would just like to say welcome to the forums and I hope you are able to continue to express yourself here too. You have a support group here.

I hope others can come forward and share their own stories that you can relate to, to try and help through this time.

Sometimes, we can carry our habits from childhood and our younger years with us to adulthood. Therefore, when we felt we needed to lie earlier to keep us safe, we can instinctively lie even though we don't mean it or need to. To try and console yourself, you could tell your partner that you do not mean to lie; it is just due to what you have been through, and perhaps you could ask for understanding in this time.

Hope this helps!

[Juliet_84]

Hi dusty dee,

I would say that you are actually closer to stopping than you realize. The first step of change is recognizing that you do it and why, the second step is the desire to change, and the third is action. Your parents may have been unusually strict and the punishment didn’t really fit the crime, or perhaps you were just a bit of a sensitive soul who didn’t like getting in trouble? You unfortunately learnt very early on that the easiest way to escape punishment or any form of trouble was to lie and potentially get away with it. But you are probably having problems now because lying may be acceptable in a parent child relationship to an extent but it’s not acceptable in a relationship and breeds mistrust. If it was me, I’d sit down with my partner and open up to them and explain what I do and why I do it and that I’m trying to stop. That in itself shows an honesty, that you are willing to open up and own your behaviour. Then you just need to work really hard on stopping in that moment where you would usually lie, and do the opposite. I think you will realize over time that there’s nothing actually wrong with owning up to your stuff.