Husband wants to separate and has told my friend he has feelings for her - Says has positive feelings but wants to cut marital ties before hates me

Nosyla · ‎30-07-2021

I am needing some ideas. Both my husband and I have PTSD from our work life. He was diagnosed with ASD last year. We have good and bad times like all relationships. He withdraws, avoids and I try and solve problems find solutions and make things work. He doesn't like taking advice or having help from others, preferring to just ignore things or take advice that suits his purpose. We also have 3 children - 4, 9, 12 with ASD. We helped a friend and her kids leave a relationship earlier this year. After she found he own place they kept in touch without my knowledge. It developed and they were catching up. He decided he wanted to separate, told her he had feelings for her, got rejected by her as she told him she was my friend and it need to remain professional, he came home and told me he loved me. Later told me the above about being rejected and that's why hugged me. Even though he expressed feelings they still keep talking and seeing each other without my knowledge. Still want to separate but wouldn't leave the house or property as wanted to have all the benefits of family life without me, yet I was still living here which has been ongoing for weeks.

He refuses to live by himself, take time out for himself to stay in caravan and has moved in with a 22 year old friend. He gets irritated and frustrated with this friend easily and quickly and when initially spoke of living with friend to have time was against it. He has mentioned not wanting to stay with them as currently in a very small 2 bedroom house.

I know that he is struggling and needs help. I can't help him anymore and need to look after my own mental health and that of the kids. Why is it that I am struggling so much and so up and down. I know that only he can decide to get help and make his own life better. I feel like I have let him down as I struggled with chronic pain for a few months which was the negative cycle and that's all he can focus on. Even admitting that everything had been going really good, but that as we have good then bad is is trying to make it go bad to justify his decision. I want to help but need to focus on me. How do I get over this so it doesn't have my stomach in knots, and like being stabbed in the heart.

smallwolf · ‎30-07-2021

Hello there and welcome to the beyond blue forums.

There are times when you have to put yourself first. If you don't how can you help those nearest to you, whether that is your husband, friend, children or whatever. There are pages on the beyond blue website for supporting someone.

And whether he gets help or decides to is really up to him. There is a person I know who comes to my office each day and helps out a little. There have been many times when it has been suggested that he gets professional help. I know why he won't. An admission of failure. They are his words. Unfortunately not everyone sees the issue. Another person had a bad experience. What is stopping him? A rhetorical question.

The reality is that it sounds like you are in a very difficult situation.

I guess the one question is what do you want to do? Or what are your feelings for him?

Sorry if I am not making sense. If you want to chat I can be a sounding board for you.

Nosyla · ‎08-08-2021

Thanks for the reply. Looking over everything his family history is just to walk away and not deal with the problems. Find someone else and hope it gets better.

I love him but hate him as he has hurt me and the kids so much. He has no idea what he is doing. He has always been told by others its all my fault so thats his stance. He has admitted once that he could see his part in things but that he didn't think things could change.
He has moved on again quickly like last time expect its probably been a few months this time with the friend that he has been in touch with.
I know I need to let him go and make his own decisions and learn the hard way, which he has expressed. He isn't allowing himself to do that though, making sure he lives with others and spends all his time with her so he isn't alone as he can't handle being alone.

geoff · ‎09-08-2021

Hello Nosyla, I'm sorry about your chronic pain but he has not taken any of this into consideration at all, all he wants is to be with someone he can cuddle and has no respect for you nor the kids, his only intentions are for looking after what he wants and doesn't seem to worry about who he hurts.

You may still say you love him but it's a completely different type of love than you had before, perhaps this can't last forever and could turn into caring for him, only you can answer that, but to have your husband wanting to be with another person can make this role change as what he is now doing.

He won't be happy until he finds someone else he can live with, another person who temporarily accepts him for what he wants, but relationships don't work one way, it takes two people to keep it together and wonder if he will find that.

At the moment you need help with your chronic pain and would like to know if you have found someone who can help you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.