Husband's career

[JoC18]

Hi all,

My husband is a chef and his career is the major issue in our relationship.

He does not have time with me, he is not paid well. I have suffered as no family support, as well as financial pressure. Now I really hate his career. I know it is not fair to him as he does well in his job and he has the passion with his career. I have couple conversations with him but cannot sort out the issue. Now I do not even want to see his sister who suggested him to become a chef from the first place. I feel like she is the person destroying my life. I know it is unfair and horrible thinking. But I cannot stop it.

[Birdy77]

Hi JoC18,

It sounds like this issue is really overwhelming your life at the moment, i am sorry you are struggling so much, and glad that you jave reached out for some support and to air your feelings.

Am i right in understanding that you feel a bit neglected because your husband's job takes up so much of his time?

And that you feel that you don't get to spend enough quality time with him?

If i have understood correctly, that must feel perhaps a bit lonely in the relationship. Sometimes i think when we feel so upset about an issue, it can be easy to gave a bit of unfair thinking, so that is understandable.

You said you have had a couple of conversations with your husband about this, but have nit been able to resolve it.

Is there a solution or somee solutions that you can come up with that would make you happier? If so, could you perhaps think about talking to your husband to find a way to make these solutions possible?

When i feel stuck about an issue with my partner, we try to talk it through and come up with a solution, and if it doesn't work, we try again, and again and again, until something feels better. And if it doesn't feel better, we come up with something else and try again. It is sonetimes hard work.

What do you think are some things that would make it feel better? A dedicated date night? Or spending an hour together talking of an evening/afternoon/morning? Or going for a walk together every 3rd day? (Just some ideas that came to mind).

Listening to you with care,

birdy

[Emmen]

Hello JoC18,

Your husband has a job he loves and does well at. That sounds like a dream many would wish for! Unfortunately, the time he puts into that job leaves you feeling neglected and his pay puts a financial pressure on you.

I echo Birdy in asking what will make this better. It feels unfair to ask him to leave a job he loves, but what you can do is to schedule in time for both of you to spend together, focusing on each other. That could be in the form of a date night, or a dedicated walk, etc. Perhaps you could think through what your needs are, and how you can both achieve it?

With regards to the financial issue, I wonder if his salary is really inadequate for a comfortable living, or if your expectations are far higher? I apologise if this sounds insensitive, but I ask this because you mentioned in previous thread that you tend to compare your life with that of your friends who may be in very different situations from you. If the former, would there be something you could do to supplement his income?

I can understand your resentment of his sister, but in a way, she has given you a happier husband than you could have gotten otherwise. It's when people feel fulfilled in their personal lives (including things like careers and friends) that their marriages can also be happy. If not, he may grow to resent you for taking away the things that make him happy outside your marriage. After all, there are many aspects to a person's lives, and their partners/families are just one part of it (albeit a significant part).

You mentioned having no family support. Is there no one else you can interact with socially that will act as support for you (e.g. other family members, friends)?

Warmly,
M

[JoC18]

Hi Birdy,

Thank you so much for your response. One of the problems is my husband only listen to what I said most of the time. He does not think about the issue independently. I am a person who like to grow and be a better person. But he is more like happy with current situation. So I feel he does not plan anything in advance. That gives me more pressures. For example, we would like to have a family - have kid soon, which mean I have to give up my career for one year or longer. But his income cannot support our basic living expense( including mortgage). But he is not worried about it. I am worried about it and plan for it. And of course, when we have kid, I want to have more family time. Then he is like, okay, will change his career to a lower income job and accommodate my time..... but it does not solve the problem. I like to have more family time but at the same time, hoping for his career to grow too.

Regards

J

[JoC18]

Hi Emmen

Thank you for your response. I do feel unfair to him too. But at the same time, he does not think about his career growth, that also upset me. I am an ambitious person, but the downside about me is , I like to be better than others, and like to compare with others, as you said. I know it is not good but I cannot stop. Therefore, I feel like I am the unlucky person. I thought if he is similar to my career or he is more ambitious, I do not need to worried about our living cost so much. I can rely on him more. But I cannot as he does not worry anything.

By saying no family support, I know it is wrong to think this way but I cannot tell my family I want my husband to change a job with better time, and with better pay (similar to my pay) at the same time because I need to feel financial security. I know I am greedy. But I feel we are too behind compare to my peers. I know my family will tell me off. I know I am not right to think this way. But I want to say it out, and feel better to tell it.

Regards

J

[monkey_magic]

Hi JoC18,

I know we don't know each other but I don't think comparing yourselves with others is going to equal happiness.
Some people don't need career advancement and are happy in their jobs which can manifest in other parts of their life.

I do understand your concerns though. Your partner just isn't making enough money to support the family on his income if you were to give up work.

Maybe he'll be the one to be the stay at home dad since you earn significantly more. What do you think?

Having kids involves sacrifices and you might just have to make some of those.

[Blueillusion]

Hi Jo

You are not alone in feeling financial pressure, me and my partner both make a decent wage but it always is never enough.

I also feel like perhaps you could consider working and your partner care for the child as mentioned in the above post.

You really should try to not worry about other people's standards and lifestyles because there will always be people better off than yourself. I hate my job, I work in a toxic environment, but I am doing something about it. I am a 42 yo part time university student and I am trying to build a better career for myself and the family. Have you suggested that he try some higher education on the side or a short tafe course to change his career directection? Sometimes just doing something different and learning something new can not only benifit the person with respect to job prospects but is also good for self esteem and is a investment in themselves.

Hang in there and keep reaching out because we all want the best for everyone here.

Tim

[JoC18]

Thank you Tim.

That is one of our topics. I suggested him to do a degree as a pathway to change his career. But he refused as he does not enjoy studying. He is happy with his job duty. But he also mentioned that he dislike the working hours, he dislike as he is not well paid. However, he is not doing anything to change it. So I get confused.When we mentioned about the financial pressure, he told me - okay, he will do research to invest share market and hoping to earn extra. But as all we know, there is risk, and he is a new learner, I do not want to risk our living cost.....