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Husband porn addiction

MrsConfused
Community Member

I posted this to a reply earlier today but it was suggested I start a new thread, so here it is...

Hi,
I understand this was posted last year, but I have also recently discovered my husbands porn addiction. I am hurt, lost and not sure where to go to next. I am shattered that someone I have been with 17 years (married 10) could have been so dishonest with me all these years. The fact that he has lead a secret life throughout our whole relationship just distresses me. I now also hate myself for consistently spying on him and snooping through his phone. I have searched his laptop and even the tablet. I even put parent control blocks on our wifi! I just don't trust him! And i hate myself for that.
Last time we "discussed" this habit he broke down in tears and told me he has been watching porn at a very young age. He was at a friends place and the older brothers had it on. He has been watching or viewing porn ever since. It is the lies that hurt the most though. I am not a fan or porn as it is so degrading towards women in general and unrealistic, but the lies hurt. I found magazines but in the early days and he said he did look but would stop. And I believed him but now i think about it there has been many times throughout our relationship where the signs where there, but i would believe what he would tell me...i trusted him...but since finding hard evidence i can no longer trust him. I want to and I don't want to leave him. Knowing that this has been apart of his life from such a young age i honestly believe that he has a solid addiction. I want to help him, but am i just being naive? If a friend was in my position, i would probably tell them to leave as there is no respect. So why don't I want to leave?

22 Replies 22

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear MrsConfused~

First off thanks for taking Quirky's suggestion and making your own thread. It means others will see this new thread where they might not have seen the other one. You can still talk to Empathetic and MrsElle there, that would be fine.

I do not think you are naive. You wondered why you not only haven't left him, also that you may not want to. Quite honestly I don't think that is strange or unusual. I also think things are often not always simple. That does not mean I'm trying to minimize the harm those lies have done to you. A huge blow, the person you thought you knew for 17 years turns out to have been consistently deceiving you. It must leave you so lost and hurting.

Still 17 years of love is itself a huge thing and not wanting simply stop and to try to repair matters is not necessarily a bad thing. Forgive me if I'm reading your words the wrong way but I get the impression that the long term lies are the most important matter.

While there might be a natural worry that a person was in some way lacking or unconsciously contributing to a partner's porn addiction I would think this highly unlikely. It sounds like it pre-dates being with you and like all addictions once started would be very hard to stop, particularly if hidden away.

I would imagine firstly that porn addiction is like other addictions and is something that may have come about in the first place due to a need or lack and secondly that it would take professional competent assistance to beat. I am not sure it would be a quick battle. Maybe it might be helpful to regard it in the same way as someone addicted to the bottle.

Keeping an eye on the computers and so on is probably a way of removing temptation, perhaps a help, so please don't feel bad about doing it. You are in any case only trying to respond to a situation not of your making.

I guess if you do not want to separate then getting honesty in your relationship is going to be the hardest thing. I'm not sure how that happens. Certainly it would take a very long time and is up to your husband to try hard constantly to rebuild it.

Do you have anyone to support you? I know it might be something you are reluctant to tell others, however if you have a very good friend or a family member who is sensible and really cares then talking frankly may let you feel less alone and also give you the chance to discuss options and ideas.

I realy have no advice to give except perhaps not to rush.

Croix

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

MrsConfused,

What to do? There are no right or wrong answers here unfortunately. But I think you want your marriage to survive this issue. You mentioned love in the final lines of your post, and I think it is stronger than his addiction. There will not be a fast resolution but like all addictions should be possible?

Firstly, I want to say that an addiction is an addiction whether it be drugs, alcohol or porn. I would also ask the question what you would do if the addiction were to Internet gaming? In me it raised the matter of "levels" of addiction if that is possible. Unlike drugs and alcohol a porn addiction will not kill an individual. Rather it can destroy a relationship. The outcomes or consequences are different. But it is still an addiction.

Also, I don't know how much time one would have to watch it to become an addiction. And whether it be porn or alcohol or self-harm, need to be able to find an alternative outlet. Not sure whether that is speaking
to someone when the urge presents? Or something else to act as a distraction. I don't know.

I like the idea that you have installed filters to prevent access to this material in the home. If you had not done that I would have suggested this first. It then got me thinking about the why's... did you know there is a wiki entry on porn addiction. With any (?) addiction it is a response or coping mechanism to something that has happened in our lives. The question is what were the events? The question then you might want to ask your husband then is...

What was the trigger that created the addiction to watching porn?

And I hope that your husband gives an open and honest answer to this question. Equally, you need to be able to able to accept his answer, and you then can then both work out the resolution to this problem. Whatever that might be.

Does your husband know of the level of hurt and betrayal you feel as a result of his actions?

I suspect that you have had similar conversations with your husband before. However, now the stakes appear raised as you are weighing up the cost (emotional or otherwise) this is having on your marriage. As Croix said, it would probably take professional help to overcome. Ultimately your husband will have to want to overcome the addiction.

I wish you and your husband all the best in managing this situation.

Tim

Thank you for your not judgemental reply. It means a lot and actually makes things clearer in my mind.

I spoke with my husband last night and I feel we will make our way out of this and be stronger for it. He admits that he felt/feels ashamed and that's why he has kept it a secret for so long from EVERYONE!

He agrees that he has many issues going on and that as a child he never felt liked by his parents and although he is the youngest of 4 boys he never really had a relationship with them growing up as they were away at boarding school. He was never home and often hang out with the "wrong" crowd. He comes from a small country town and being the only Lebanese family he was bullied a lot at school, which he would respond with violence. Even though he stumbled across porn by accident at a young age, I feel it was something that made him feel good about himself.

I have always known that he was depressed or something wasn't right but he only admitted this and had a breakdown in about 2013/14. He was medicated for a short time by his doctor but never got counselling. Although the medication did help he regain focus and feel better about himself, i strongly feel he should have seeked counselling as well. He has not been medicated since our 3rd child was born at the end of 2014.

He admitted he didn't know what to do next. Last night i did something I've never done before and I basically told him he had to seek help or I don't know how much longer i can fight, HE NEEDS TO WANT TO FIGHT FOR US TOO - it cant all be me! I've never pushed when I've asked/suggested him to do things, like counselling, as I feel he needs to want it for himself, but I think it is now time that I do push more than I have in the past. I think he needs a general SHOVE.

Anyway, I told him to register on Beyond Blue to begin with and either take part in a live chat or make a forum post. He did some research and looked it up, but when i asked him about it later he had not signed up. He could see how annoyed i was about this and then signed up as requested. He is yet to have a live chat or post on the forum, but I am taking it small steps as at a time. I don't want him to become overwhelmed but at the same time i feel it is time that i start putting some pressure on him to "force" him to get the help he needs.

Thank you for your non-judgemental reply Tim.

Please see my reply to Croix as i have answered some of your questions in there too.

I really hope we can work through this. It does give me some comfort in knowing that his addiction has never been about me, and has been something that he has been dealing with before I was on the scene. Don't get me wrong, I am disappointed the dishonesty but as long as he is honest with me from now on, I feel I could grow to trust him again. I do trust him with my life and our 3 children.

Yes he does know the extent of my hurt and betrayal and he has been beating himself up about it. I have expressed that i don't want him to continue beating himself up as it will not help. If he really wants to fix things, he needs to know show me that he is sorry by making changes in how he thinks/talks. Positive over negative thinking/actions. Hope that makes sense.

Once again, Thank you x

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear MrsConfused~

I think you are right about a bit of a push. Part of rebuilding of trust -for me anyway- would be to see the person trying hard, out of their comfort zone if necessary. Incidentally I can quite believe that shame was a large factor in keeping things quiet, and the lies not a deliberate attempt to hurt you. I'd imagine like so many things once a pretense starts it sort of snowballs and gets harder and harder to abandon.

Beating himself up can lead to regret and a resolve to make things better, I really hope it does. Beating an addiction can be a source of pride and strength, I hope that in time that happens too.

I hope you don't mind me mentioning this but have you thought through the implications of both of you posting here in this forum at the same time? I can imagine there might be a temptation for your husband to say what is expected rather than engage in that frank discussions that would be the most help. It may also tend to limit what you say too.

Of course contacting our Support Services (web-chat or email or phone) is a different matter and is not subject to another person's scrutiny. I think you are right in supposing he might benefit from them.

As Smallwolf remarked it does look like you are prepared to try and rebuild the relationship, which is a lovely thing. Any very long term addiction is not going to be fixed overnight and from a practical point of view you may be in for some disappointments before matters smooth out.

I found it particularly significant you said "I do trust him with my life and our 3 children" which to me tends to suggest you have compartmentalized his actions in relation to the porn, and find him OK in other areas, which sounds a pretty good basis to build on.

Your husband may not have been lucky in the earlier portions of his life but I think he may be now.

Croix

Croix,

"I hope you don't mind me mentioning this but have you thought through the implications of both of you posting here in this forum at the same time?"

I don't mind at all and I did think of this. We have agreed not to share our avatar names and only read our own posts, and not try to read each others. I understand what you are saying though. At the moment he is asleep on the lounge and has not yet made a post or live chat. I will give him a few days, if he hasn't by Saturday night I will enforce that gentle push and insist he does. The plan is he will see someone face to face down the track, but at this stage I am happy for him to use an online service. Sometimes it's easier to talk with a keyboard at your fingertips.

I will add that I am currently seeing a counsellor myself due to the death of my father 3 months ago, yesterday. I have not mentioned anything about my husband yet as we have been focusing on my dad and mother (she passed away when I was 11 - so i am officially parent-less). I do feel some shame in my husbands habits and to talk about it face to face with someone (professional or friend) seems too hard at this point in time. Hence why i like this forum, so thank you for taking the time to read my posts and commenting without Judgement. It really means a lot.

Your husband may not have been lucky in the earlier portions of his life but I think he may be now. Thank you, I have so much love for this man, and I would not forgive myself if I didn't try everything I could if I was to leave now. Ultimately the ball is in his court. If he wants this as much as I do, He needs to put the effort in. If not, then i'll have to make that call if the times comes (that hurts just to write it). At this stage i strongly feel we can get through it, even though i am ready to expect a slip here or there, I also will only let him hurt me so much more. There is only so much anyone can take. Fingers crossed it never comes to that xx

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear MrsConfused~

For some reason I'm very glad you wish to persevere. I've no real idea if it is going to work, but watching love in action is pretty good and makes me feel hopeful for all sorts of things. I do have the feeling you will sort it out, at least to a level you can be content with.

I'm sorry for the death of you dad, 3 months is a very short time in the scheme of things and no longer having parents is a milestone many of us have faced, it can loom very large. So I'm glad you have sought out a councilor, they can sometimes help, if only as a sounding board.

Although you do sound in control and with pretty sensible and realistic expectations if I was in your place I'd seriously consider mentioning this latest upheaval. An experienced councilor will probably suspect there is more than your grief anyway. Maybe in time.

There is no judgment here, not something for you to worry about. By and large those who have had hardship tend to be more understanding, and very many here have had quite terrible times. Frankly I feel sorry for your husband. For whatever reason he has cut himself off from the full wealth of being close to another. Holding back hopefully can now cease.

I learned when I started to recover how much I'd missed seeing in my my relationship and came to appreciate it with renewed eyes.

With any sense he will take the love and help he is being offered and use it for new start.

Croix

MrsConfused,

Hi. I saw Croix mention the (possible) problem of 2 people having an account on the same forum. My 2c worth...

Firstly, and this is my personal view, is that 2 adults should be able to have an account on the same forum provided both parties trust each other in regards to posts etc. Most important is not sharing avatar names.

Providing avatar names are not shared, if you use a browser like chrome then you can go into incognito mode where your history is deleted when you close the session. Which means that threads you visit or post in become unknown.

I am happy that you appear to be making progress. Whether it is an addiction or problem, or stress, (we) men are good at bottling up our feelings. To admit there is a problem can be seen as a weakness. My own thoughts are that the more these feeling are bottled up, and not spoken about openly, whether in the context of the family or more publicly, can tear apart relationships and family. I would bottle up my feelings for different reasons. Yet I found out that the more I talk to my wife about what I going through the better or stronger or deeper our relationship gets. Because we get to face the problems as one. And she gets to know what goes on in my mind (to a degree). I hope the same for you both.

On him posting here.... just ask him casually each night whether he has posted. If he answers in the negative nudge him the next night. It is how my wife gets me to do things.

Just remember that you will both me supported here in a non-judgemental way. I am reminded of a line in a song by Ozzy (You're no different) which goes like this...

If you think you're without sin be the first to cast the stone

Nobody here will "cast the stone". Like you we just want to live happy, fruitful lives.

If you have any questions feel free to post, or share your journey. All the best.

Tim

Well I found out tonight he has started talking online! It's such a relief to know he is actually taking steps. I was starting to worry that he wouldnt actually do it.

I haven't asked anything about it. I'm just happy he has made a start.

feeling nervous but hopeful xxxx