Husband may be gay. Warning Explicit details. What do I do?

[82Milly]

I’ve been with my husband for five years. We have two children.  I  wondered if the way he wanted sex was a bit of a worry but I asked him outright and he assured me no he is not gay. I trusted him. It would have been a deal breaker. We’ve always had a pretty good sex life and we get on really well. He had a few long term girlfriends before me and a lot of casual female partners. When I was pregnant with the first baby he let slip that one of his Female friends, who he’d previously told me had only ever been a friend, he had actually slept with. This concerned me as she was regularly phoning him and was posting inappropriate comments on some of his Facebook posts. I told him it was not ok and he said he talked to her and she blocked him. Her reaction seemed extreme. Unfortunately I had lost trust and I checked his messenger. I found some pretty inappropriate recent sexy conversations. I was 5 months pregnant at the time they wrote them. I tried to talk to him but he went ballistic. Said I broke his trust, should not be snooping. I apologised for snooping but he refused to admit any wrong doing for the sexy chats, would not apologise. So I still have trust issues. This week pregnancy hormones getting the better of me I had a look at his email. I have discovered that just a few weeks prior to our relationship, and for at least a year prior he was having gay hook ups arranged online. Explicit requests. They would exchange nudes and then he would get the address, make a time and I can only assume follow through and hook up with these men. Now I’m aware I got this information by a not ok method - I checked his email. But what do I do? Is the past really in the past when it comes to sexual orientation? He had flat out denied having any gay desires or past to me. He is a great father and husband, and he is excited to be a dad again, comes to all my appointments. Is it possible that was a phase or is he likely repressing being gay? If he is gay and wants a facade of a happy family we can probably work that out somehow so he can have his relationships on the down low and I guess I can too, but we can parent together if that’s what we could agree to. I would be willing to make that work. But I know he will deny he is gay. How do I eek out the truth and what he wants from someone who is repressing something like this?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I find it amusing when partners have secrecy with emails and social media- why?.

My wife can pick up my phone anytime, read my emails, answer my phone and I don't care as there is zilch to find. My theory is that cyber space has made flirting, affairs, etc more accessible. All they need to do is take precautions stopping access to their partner.

In your case it's subjective. If I was you I'd wait, as you say he's a good dad and person. There is not enough evidence that leads to him returning to any past lifestyles but I'd be cautious and you have enough reason to remain suspicious.

During the next few years I would work on your closeness with him to the point that he agrees to cease with any secrets.

I hope that helps.

TonyWK

[Croix]

Dear 82Milly~

Welcome here to the Forum, it's a difficult thing to lay out such personal details and I'm sorry you have had to. It is also heartbreaking to find your partner does not love you as you expected.

The first thing I would say is that the way you obtained the information does not change the facts, if he has had affairs with men and women then that is a fact, trust and privacy is not really an issue

As an aside you can always print out or photograph the emails and messages should you wish. I'm not sure how productive having such proof would be. You now have an accurate idea of him anyway, and that includes being unfaithful while you were pregnant and probably even more importantly dishonesty.

I'm not sure you have to seek out any more truth. As for finding out what he wants I can think of no reliable means, he may not know himself.

You talk of coming to some sort of arrangement, an open marriage in fact . You did not enter married life with this in mind and I wonder what the effects would be on you long term.

Might I suggest that you seek more experienced council before deciding what to do. Relationships Australia - 1300 364 277 might be a good starting point.

You are welcome to talk things over here anytime

Croix

[Hope4tomorrow]

Hi 82Milly, this must be difficult due to you having kids together, whatever the outcome...

I don't know you or your partner obviously, but sharing a bit of my story might help to fill in a blank or two; that's the premise anyway.

Around 14, I started questioning my sexuality and sexual preferences. It was a confusing time, due to having issues at home with my folks and siblings. Let alone the social stigma of a species still in the dark ages on this front. Things are progressing slowly, there's this at least.

Everyone's unique, so I'm not sure if what I'm about to share will be of any assistance, but for myself I guess the truth is, that although I am at the point of looking to enter a serious relationship with the opposite sex (I'm M), one that hopefully we can create a family with but if not, to just be together as life partners.

If I happened to meet a very special man, I'd probably just as likely fall for that person. Irrespective of their sex. I'm a hopeless romantic. To be fair, I'm probably not your average mid 30's Aussie either.

What my years have taught me thus far, is I've actually the capacity to fall in love with a soul over a sex. This discovery only came to light after digging up this repressed stuff... and working through my feelings around this once hard to accept fact. Some early experimenting I guess (not all the way), taught me that love really is in the eye of the beholder. There are men (and women), who can relatively effortlessly look past genitalia, whether if seeking some fun, or a life partner. I prefer women, but a beautiful soul is a beautiful soul in my eyes.

This is a bit of a stab in the dark, but is there a chance that your partner might actually have an addiction to sex? Does he look at porn a lot, even if it's with you? Personal questions, asked only to possibly assist you to find some clarity in this. Actually, please don't answer as they were only intended to stir thoughts for you that you might have not considered.

If this isn't the case then I guess you've got two options here; take him on his word and if you ever find out otherwise, just know that this is about him, not you. Sexual preference can even be fuild and changing. We're a complicated species.

Now serial cheating; if it were me, I'd have to move forward without my partner, even if kids were involved. Our sanity and esteem is our most priceless asset. No one deserves to have theirs taken by a confused soul or worse, a covert narcassist etc.

Best of luck.