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Husband lost on seapartion situation

Bradd
Community Member

Hi, I am going through tough separation with wife and have 3kids, we are living together separated under one roof. We live a hectic life both will full time high pressure jobs, running after 3 kids doing sports and doing major Renovations of the house over the last 5 years, we stopped connecting as a couple and never did date nights of 1-1. I was streesed with work/renos ect. and felt alone & was unfaithful by getting some inappropriate massages a year and a half ago and suffered severe remorse(still do) and depression whilst we worked on our marriage. She started having coffee with work colleague for support 1 year ago (6 months after the infidelity) as I was not being emotionally supportive which I said was ok and she agreed I should focus on getting myself better & mentally stronger first, then work on the rebuild. So I did & 6 months later I found evidence they had fellings for each other. I told her many times over the 6months i was worried each time & get streesed & anxious. We had a blowup when i found out & she said they acknowledged their feelings & agreed to stop communication for a 4 month period. He is also married with 2kids. Over last 4 months I caught them texting/calls and at coffee multiple times, still says just good friends and he loves his wife and is working on making it work, she even said he has said his wife is perfect in all areas except one (didnt say what that is?). I just caught her again catching up with him, she still denies. I can’t handle this & cannot understand why she will not admit he is in love with her, when he text her theese words”I miss your smile and staring into your beautiful eyes”. I cant stop thinking I should have approached him when I saw them at coffee the other day and asked if he is aware that he has destroyed any opportunity for me to repair my relationship, while he was connecting with her and that he has destroyed my life and imp[acted my kids life which will now be without a family home. I did not approach him in case it caused a scene in front of my wife. I feel I will never move on unless I let him know my position and find out if he is in love with her and persuing a long term relationship. I can just see this being a major thing I will always regret not doing if I dont. Please someone advise if you agree or advice on how to do it. I know my wife wont like the facyt I have contacted him but I feel I have to.. Any advice would be appreciated, thanks Bradd

17 Replies 17

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Bradd,

Sorry I just also wanted to ask - you've been under a lot of pressure lately and I understand your work is also quite stressful.

Do you have anyone who you regularly chat to and get support from? I understand you have a counsellor? How about friends or family?

James

Dadmeister
Community Member
Bradd, sorry to be blunt but I have gone through this same exact scenario. Emotional affairs will always progress to physical affairs if allowed to go on. I was foolish and trusted my wife with her new male friend. He even promised me he would never do anything to affect my marriage. I stupidly believed him for 3 years until my wife under duress confessed to sleeping with him that whole time. Good luck

Bradd
Community Member

Thanks no support from family, can’t really tHi Maryse , sorry to bother you, was the lawyer you referred me to on your floor Simon Harvey? I am going to have to call him tomorrow.
In a conversation about kids I said them spending half time at each house when we separate and she blew up saying I agreed to 60/40 back in Jan. biggest argument yet saying she wasted a year and now I’m trying to screw her over, saying she won’t even be friends unless we sort the agreement
Thanks Maryse be friends unless we sort the agreement
Thanks Bradd

Bradd
Community Member
Thanks you may be right, things have got worse in a conversation about kids I said them spending half time at each house when we separate and she blew up saying I agreed to 60/40 back in Jan. biggest argument yet saying she wasted a year and now I’m trying to screw her over, saying she won’t even be friends unless we sort the agreement
Thanks Maryse be friends unless we sort the agreement
Thanks Bradd

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Bradd, the trouble is she is only trying to make out that ' she won’t even be friends unless we sort the agreement', which seems to indicate that it's been happening and you can't be sure for how long and the extent of their relationship, but it's caused problems between the two of you and will be the same with his family and whether or they remain together the damage has been caused.

If you can try and aim for 50/50 for the kids, then no one will dominate, a mutual agreement can then be made, especially for birthdays, Xmas and birthdays, if someone has more advantage then these periods will be disappointing, not only for you but also the kids.

In regards to the house, it can be sold or one of you can buy the other out, but perhaps having a fresh start may be better for you and the kids, too many memories may keep reminding you of the good days you had, this is only a suggestion.

Whether your wife stays with him, nobody knows but the damage has been done and may happen again and as much as you want to talk to this other chap, it might not be his entire fault.

I'm also very sorry to Dadmeister.

Geoff.

Bradd
Community Member

Thanks Geoff, helpful comments and advice. I really appreciate it as reading responses at night is so helpful as it it a daily pressure cooker.at the moment. You are correct with it not being entirely his fault I am sure my wife has been equally contributing. I cannot understand why he would not want to contact me to say hey we are just good friends supporting each other, which is what my wife keeps saying, I know I would immediately if I knew the husband wasn’t happy with the catch-ups and caught me at coffees. My wife has now said on the 27th the parental plan needs to be discussed and agreed and she still said she believes it should be 60/40 because of what I did a year and a half ago and for putting up with supporting me to get to this point (not acknowledging that her behaviours with this guy in the last 9 months is what has been destroying my ability to recover and affecting my mental state) She also thinks she should have more custody because of this, which makes me think some things are intentional to keep me mentally unstable, so she can use against me.
I also am wondering that if the parental planner is split 60/40 on kids days, does that automatically mean she will get 60/40 of the house and assets? I think I may need a Lawyer as I think she may have one. Thanks again for your detailed responses. I always reread each of them. Thanks Bradd

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Bradd, a parental plan is not legally enforcable, so if can contact a mediator who will talk to the two of you together and come to an agreement between the two of you, so you can google 'find a mediator in aus', someone very close to me had to go through this when they separated before a divorce, which can't be done until the two of you have been apart from each other a whole year, but a settlement can be reached.

I can't say, but her affair with this chap should balance out any agreement, so ask the mediator for a different settlement and list all your concerns, now and in the future.

They will also decide on a figure each of you should get and this includes the furniture, it's a good way to settle this.

I wonder whether or not you have superannuation because this may be raised as it was for my close friend.

If 50/50 can be achieved then you both have an agreement as to where and what happens with the kids, if it favours one of you then it makes your job to be very difficult.

My best.

Geoff.

Bradd
Community Member

Hi Geoff, thanks again for your help. Just had the first conversation on kids parental plan since back on January, she blew up when I said the kids should spend equal time with both of us , saying I’m screwing her over, she also said she still wants 60/40 on the house sale and assets,and I said 50/50 as nobody should be disadvantaged to getting set up to provide suitable hoist and support for the kids, she blew up saying after what I did (infidelity 1.5years ago) she wants 60/40. Also, she did send email back in Jan, when I was severely depressed and on medication with a attached parry plan of who is looking after kids on what days and I did say ok to it, I had no idea that she would use it as a custody agreement until yesterday. After deformation of my character in the argument saying I don’t I have the values and morals to get 50/50 she blip saying I will agree to 50/50 of finances sale of house but want one extra day per week with the kids. After arguing I said ok but to be reviewed if kids want more time with me, she the said I am not happy and won’t like you for this and stormed out to stay her parents for 3 days, I also agree I would move out asap as soon as can find suits rental. I really don’t know if I am doing this right, I don’t want to be financially disadvantaged but also don’t want to have a messy breakup and not be friends. I also don’t know what extra powers she will have if she has the kids for 60% of the time.

any comments would be appreciated thanks Bradd