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Husband left unexpectedly
4 months ago my husband came completely out of the blue and told me he didnt love me anymore and wants a divorce. I was completely shocked and confused. We have had problems in the past but have worked through them and we were having some small issuse then, mostly because of our work loads, but it wasnt some thing that couldnt be fixed and nothing that would come to this happening.
I asked him why he felt like that and he told me he didnt now, it just happens, we grew apart, our marriage fizzled, things changed from our last problems and so on, seemed to me he was coming up with any old excuse. I dont believe this happens for no reason so i did my own investigations.
I found out he had been doing alot of stuff behind my back while he was at work, he had a secret facebook page, he added friends from his past (mostly females) that i had never heard of or ever met and he was meeting up with them, and i was clueless to all of it. I couldnt believe it, it was like he was living another life without me.
He moved out 4 days later and has been living a whole new life like me and our marriage ment nothing.
We have stayed in contact, although it has become less now and i seem to be the one that contacts him first, and most contact is by text.
i believe he left me to be with someone else but he denies it, he has joined singles sites, which he denies and he has been really secretive and lies alot like he has things to hide.
He has had mild depression for as long as ive known him but has dealt with it pretty well. After he left he says his depression had come back and he had things in himself he had to sort out. Well all of a sudden he is feeling so much better now that he doesnt feel guilty about anything he had done and why should he, so he things, (apparently a councillor said he shouldnt) obviously thats what he was depressed about and so he should who does the things he was doing, he makes me feel as though im to blame for him being depressed.
The past few months have been horrible, ive had to move to my mothers in another state because i was struggling financilly he has left me to deal with everything, i even had to pack his stuff.
i still love him and miss him heaps even after all the BS he has done. I cant believe how clueless i was to any of the things he was doing, its like i mean nothing to him and it was so easy for him to walk away even though the things that were wrong could have been fixed.
Ive never felt this worthless in my life ever.
I'm never a believer that once someone goes behind the back of their partner/spouse and has an affair that it's not good to pursue the marriage/relationship, why, because it will only happen again, and contact by text will slowly dwindle away.
Even if he has had depression in a mild form is just an excuse he is playing on, but now he feels better, but when he gets sick of this current g/friend or g/friends he will do exactly the same with them, so eventually he will become a lost soul.
Love has many definitions to it, like I still love my ex-wife, but she only cares for me now and I can never forgive her for hooking up with someone else after the divorce so quickly, so communication between the two of us is slowly dwindling away.
You can't be blamed for not knowing because when this does happen they make sure that they cover any tracks, but a mistake is left behind somewhere and they get found out.
It was good for you to even pack his bag, as many would just throw everything outside, so I wonder whether you are paying the house/flat off or renting, and if it's the former then maybe it's time to sell, or if you are renting then the real estate could look for someone to tke over the lease.
I feel so sorry for you to be put into a situation like this, because when we marry we hope that it's for good or at least a long time. Geoff. x
Thank you for the reply 🙂
This whole situation has been very hard for me and the past 4 months has been very difficult. When i found out about all the things he had been doing i was shocked because i didnt think he would ever do anything like that, i have no idea how long it had been going on for either. The thing that really gets me is he hasnt talked to me about any of it, its like he doesnt think what he was doing was wrong, i still believe he was having an emotional affair with a past g/friend or a friend from his past, i really dont know, to just up and leave the way he did and to say what he said doesnt just happen overnight there would have to be some influence behind it, i can only assume things because he wouldnt tell me the truth its not something that comes natural to him.
When i found out about the singles sites it made me feel ill, i thought didnt 11 years of our lives together mean angthing to him at all, to just want to move on and replace me that soon after he left makes me feel like im a nothing.
I havent been really all that mad at him about any of this because i dont see the point, hes not interested in hearing how i feel about any of this, its all about him, hes selfish, if i do try all his says is im trying to make him feel guilty, its my marriage too and i dont feel as though i can express any of the things i feel to him. I've written an email about all the things i feel but i havent sent it, i want him to know exactually how i feel about everything without being told im making him feel guilty all the time, he has gotten off so easy with everything i dont think alot of women would have let their spouses off as easy as what i have and I've told him that.
We were renting a house but after he left i had to break the lease, i was lucky the realestate found someone pretty quick to take it, after that i moved interstate to my mothers which i really didnt want to do but i had no choice.
Im still trying to get my head around everything but its so hard, my mind is all over the place, it never stops.
I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. You didn't mention any children? It really does sound like your husband checked out of your marriage some time ago, hence why he's acting so final about everything. The fact that he hasn't been entirely honest about things just shows that he's not man enough to won his sh*t. In reality you're better off without him - and I know that doesn't help much at the moment. It's totally normal to be still missing him despite what has happened, particularly after all the time you have shared with him. Like Geoff said I admire you for not throwing all his stuff out into the street. It demonstrates good character and integrity on your behalf. I hope you have someone you can confide in/vent to and also get all the support you need.
The reason he made you feel guilty is to deflect what you've been confronting him with so it actually makes you feel bad. It just demonstrates his lack of integrity and child-like way of dealing with adult issues. I wouldn't even send him that email. He doesn't sound worth it. At least you don't have a property to settle which ultimately makes things a little easier. I think you should maintain you're high level of integrity and karma will eventually catch up with him. I hope you have a good relationship with your mother, I know it's not ideal but at least you have somewhere to build your life back from.
I've said this in a few threads but are you up for some exercise? Just getting out and walking can help divert your thoughts from the negative. Do you have friends where you are at the moment? Is there a professional you can see to work through your feelings?
Please try not to give yourself a hard time over this (I know it's easier said than done), as in what you could have done to prevent it, or feeling bad for not knowing what was going on - you are not responsible for another person's actions. Even getting your feeling's out (like here) can help, so vent away and we'll listen 🙂
I can understand what your going through JoJo, it has happened to me. My wife shut off long before she met me and led another life of affairs etc.
If you search for the truth you may never find out why and that makes it so hard.
It's good that your still in contact but also a big call to take him back unless you know what the root of the cause of his actions were and work on them and him willing to change, you might be wasting your time.
But in the same breath, you sound like a loyal person and its hard for people like us to let people go.
hope this helps.....
Thanks Apollo for your reply and kind words.
Other people have said the same thing that he probably checked out a while ago not that i really understand why.
No unfortunately we dont have any children due to me having infertility problems which i think he resents me for. The thought of him possibly getting someone pregnant really hurts, reason why i say that is because i got a nasty phone call from this chick not that long after he left saying she was pregnant and that i lied about my infertility problems, i dont know if its true thou, pretty low act hey, i confronted him about it and he denied it and says he knows nothing about the person or about the call.
I get where your coming from with the email thats why i havent sent it, i just think all of this has been about him and his feelings and nothing that i feel has been taken into consideration at all, he has been a real selfish a'hole.
Yes i do get along with my mum shes been a great help. Where im living at the moment is all new to me, different state different town different every so i dont know anyone, its scary to think i have to start a whole new life because its always been me and my husband, i have no idea what im going to do in my life now.
I have found a place here that offer great counciling services in all areas so i made an appointment with them for this week which i cant wait to start doing, i really need it.
Sorry you've been through this too, i really dont know why they do such a horrible thing to someone that loves them and why they dont think it will have the effect that it does on them, its just plain selfish.
The contact has helped because i hate not hearing from but its not very regularly maybe once a week and most of the conversation is about him, although the contact has become alittle less over the past week because im trying to get out of the habit of doing it, the way i see it is if he wants to talk to me then he has has to make first contact, (ive been the one too do that most of the time)
He hasnt given me much hope of us sorting things, at this stage its more of something that i would probably consider down the track if he ever brought it up, im working on fixing myself at the moment its what i need to do.
Dear jojo. Hi there and welcome here. Reading through your posts and answers, all I can do is reiterate what the others have said. You're well rid of him. He sounds as though he's trying to relive his youth. You've been married 11 years, how long before that were you together? Does he have a lot of unmarried mates he's jealous of? I'm not making excuses for him, it's just that some men shouldn't be in relationships at all. Some men don't get past puberty mentally. He's a bit like Wanted_ A_Simple_Life's wife, a dreamer. People like that, unfortunately, never get past wanting what they think is 'the good life'. They don't realize that what they have is the best. As W.S.L said, if you did take him back, he would only carry on exactly the same and hurt you repeatedly. You may never understand him, because he doesn't understand himself that he has a problem. I'm so sorry for how hurt you are, I just hope you will heal from this. There is nothing you can do to change him, only he can change him, but he won't because he doesn't see himself as he is.
Let us know how things are, please. We care.
Thanks for the reply.
We were together all up for 11 years, only been married for 8 years.
We didnt really have any good friends, over the years we have had some good friends but something happened with them and we decided to get out of that friendship so we spent alot of time together for quite along time until we both got into new jobs.
To be honest with our work loads we didnt really have alot of time for socializing, i worked 2 jobs, a couple of hours in the morning and a couple of hours at night (i was a cleaner) and he was a security guard and spent most weekends working, that had been over that past 3 years but we managed to keep our marriage going and things werent bad at all, i do believe though our work did start to put some strain on our marriage and i often expressed that to him but nothing changed.
When i think things had started to change was in the last 3 months before he left, he worked 4 days straight and we would see each other for probably 4 hours all up. Everything he had been doing was at work, the secret facebook page ect, he had plenty of time on his hand, he met people and made a friend with this guy that i think had alot of influence over him. He talked about this guy and a few of the other people he met but i never met them.
I sometimes feel as though he was ashamed of me or something, i did have some insecurity problems but that doesnt give him any excuse not to include me in his social life.
He blames me for so many things like not going out, not seeing family ect, we couldnt do any of those things because if his work but he doesnt seem to get that. Alot could have been fixed if we both put the effort in, not just myself.
He obviously didnt want to be married anymore so he could go and live his new fantasy life, which hasnt been going all that well for him at all, he quit that security job and now things have gone down hill for him, no job, no money probably no house no doubt he has another women, but the way i see it is he put himself into that crappy situation.
All of it makes me so mad
Regarding the phone call from another woman - this is highly suspicious. The more information you are providing is further supporting your need to practice extreme caution. If indeed your husband's life is going to sh*t in recent times - serves him right to be honest, it is highly likely he may try to come crawling back to you. This is where you need to be really strong in determining what you really want with your life - and not just folding and taking him back only for him to continue his lies and separate life.
Now this is easier said than done, but if I had I could go back in time - I would try my hardest to ride through the pain of SHORT TERM loneliness with the aim to focus on my own needs. What I mean by that is finding yourself again - being comfortable in your own company, having hobbies and things you enjoy, being in good shape (exercise is as good an anti-depressant than anything), moving out of your comfort zone and trying new things, meeting new people (including making female friends). Basically have an awesome life you can eventually invite another into when you are ready.
Ultimately the choice is yours alone though and if you honestly feel like you guys could fix things in the future then that might be possible, however he appears to have given you a pretty strong message and regardless what I've said above about dedicating time to you still applies whichever way you go.
It's great news you have found a place to get counselling. Go do it, start going out for long walks, join a gym if you have to, get fit. If you feel depressed, lonely, mad, angry - get out and exercise, the fresh air will at least help to change your mindset. This could potentially be a wonderful start to a wonderful new and exciting life for you. Go out an be awesome!