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Husband has disclosed he is gay - looking for help from those in similar situation, please.

Community Member


Thanks for reading. I hope there is someone who can relate to my situation and guide me through the dark haze I see ahead and out to the clear on the other side.

A week ago, I would have said I was happily married, and had been for over 19 years. We have an almost-11 year old daughter, and my husband is a great Dad. He is also a loving husband, even though our love life has always been mundane, limited and initiated by me. I accepted that, as we are very strongly connected, emotionally and spiritually, and he has looked after me very well. He has supported me through depression ( I currently take medication), through part-time uni studies, through changes of jobs, and through my love-hate feelings towards my mother (hence my depression...). I have supported him equally or more, since before we were married- a tumultuous relationship with his father, moving interstate for his 'dream job' and being alone for quite some time, and now I am helping him with his part time uni course.

Since having our daughter after 8 years of marriage, it has just been the 3 of us (we go by STaR). We pride ourselves on managing without one scrap of family support, and we are always here for each other. I have heard how envious of us other families are - we enjoy regular overseas holidays, we have up-to-date cars and appliances, a modern home, contemporary values and beliefs, good educations, an intelligent and popular daughter who contributes well to sport and local extra-curricular activities.

We loved life and life loved us.

Until one week ago when my husband disclosed he is gay. He advised me he has known since he was about 7, and now I am heartbroken, devastated, confused and humiliated.

So where to from here? I am looking for anyone who might have a similar experience and can shed any light on what on earth is going on and what I do now. I have an appointment on Monday for my Doctor to write a mental healthcare plan, and I will then be looking for a psychologist. My husband has asked if I can attend one or more appointments with him when he sees his LGBTI psych, which I have agreed to at this stage.

Anyone out there who'd like to connect with me so we can now bounce off each other. I said to my husband during the first few days that this feels worse than death to me as the one person I would usually talk to is actually the same person who has done this and is no longer around to talk to - anyone else feel that way?

Kind regards and I hope to meet you soon.

7 Replies 7

Community Member

hello and welcome

i dont have any advice however i wanted to welcome you to BB. Qlife is another LBGTI support line service that might be able to help you and your hubby as well. its online counselling and can be anonymous if you wish. i have used this service myself and found it rather helpful.

i hope that with the help of your gp and a psychologist you can move forward in a productive way. please keep talking here, i do hope someone has some better advice or you

Thank you Starting New.

I am waiting for a psychologist to call back and seeing she hasn't returned my call all day, I am feeling pretty down right about now. I had momentum and motivation when leaving my doctor appointment, but without being able to continue to debrief and have a listening ear, I now feel all consumed and heavy with the enormity of it all.

I have to continue our usual nightly routine with pretend care, for the sake of our daughter, when really I just want to curl up in a ball and never come back out.

Maybe I will try making some phone calls to some help lines a bit later, but I might just try to sleep it off and hope the psychologist tings in the morning.

Just overwhelmed by it all and not knowing what to do next.

Thank you for your concern.

Hello STaR

you are sounding rather overwhelmed and lost. did you hear back from the psychologist at all or utilise the helplines?

How are you going today?

Thanks Starting New

been a bit down the last 2-3 days. The psych did call back so I have an appointment this Saturday. I hope we connect as my research has indicated that our relationship is going to be a key factor for me. I am not sure what vibe I got from her on the phone, but I wasn't instantly drawn in. I hope it will be productive when I get there.

i was (and am still) surprised there doesn't seem to be any other people in the same or similar situation who I can reach out to. I am just looking for some people who know how I am feeling and who I can seek advice from.

i have made a time to talk to a person I know and I am taking a bit of a risk in telling her as my husband knows her too.

One reason I am feeling overwhelmed is like being trapped as we have mutual friends and I feel it is outside my responsibility to tell them, but at the same time it has now extremely limited my access to catching up with them. Plus I am not really in the mood for social gatherings.

So sorry to talk around in circles and probably not make sense, but also thank you for touching base. Do you know anyone in a similar situation?

I hope to talk again soon.

Hello The Star Is Broken,

We do have another similar thread on this topic - it hasn't had any new posts since August 26, so the members posting in there may not be active on the forums any longer.  However you might find it helpful to read through:

Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this? 

Thanks Sophie

i have skipped past that thread heaps of times as I was confused by whom the denial was being attributed to. I will have a look there too while I am hoping for some responses here.


Hello STaR

i am glad youll be speaking to a psychologist on saturday. my fingers are crossed that they are a good match for you. if shes not thats ok, you can alwasy change to someone else.

i cant think of anyone thats in the same postion as you sorry

perhaps you could do a post on 'LBGTI + members- got a question- need somewhere to start- heres a good place' and see if someone responds to you there?