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Husband has asked for Separation
Hi I am new to this. I think I posted a reply elsewhere but am not quite sure what I am doing. My husband asked for a separation a couple of days ago. It is well and truly over, wedding bands taken off today. He has told me he is not in love with me anymore and that we have grown apart. We have nothing in common and dont like to do the same things. Our marriage did become very "going through the motions" and there was not much intimacy anymore. I believe this trigger has come from a friend of his who is female and has the same interests as him, they are quite close and he did spend alot of time there over the past 13 years helping out with their farm. She is into all the same things he is like 4wd , camping etc and I am not. With covid and not being able to help them out with the restrictions he told me he misses her. It has always been my worst fear that he would leave me for her. He has told me he is not and that is not his intention at all and he has never been unfaithful in anyway. I still plays on my mind. I am so distraught as I do love him, I dont know if I am still in love with him or the idea of still being in love with him because it is comfortable. I am so scared to adult on my own, even organising internet connection makes me cry.
Some advise would be really helpful please
Hi Lea D
Welcome to Beyond Blue. I wish it were under better circumstances.
The best advice I can give you is do not rush into anything until you are ready. You need to move at your own pace. Unless there are good reasons to do so, now is not the time to move out of the house and into rented accommodation. If you are comfortable living where you are, stay. You are under no obligation to move out. A lot of separated couples live under the one roof for financial reasons and/or for the children.
Notwithstanding the above, have you and your husband considered seeing a marriage counsellor. From what you have shared, there might be some hope of saving the marriage; if that is what you want. All marriages have their ups and downs; it would be a shame to walk away from a long marriage without a good reason.
If possible, give yourself and your husband some time to think things through. To my mind divorce is the last option, not the first; there are no winners in a divorce.
Hopefully other BB forum members can add to what I have said.
Stay in touch if you are up to it!
I'm so happy that you have someone to support you. You will need all the support you can get. I know exactly how you feel about living under the one roof. I was in your position 15 months ago, in the end I had to leave my own home.
In regard to support, if you feel you need professional help coping with the separation, you can get access to a counsellor at "Relationships Australia" - phone 1300 364 277. I think the service is a free one, but you can ask about that if make an appointment. Alternatively, you can get access to a Medicare subsidised phycologist by visiting your GP and asking for a "Mental Health Care Plan". There are some other options, but I think they would be the best two.
On the legal side of your separation, you have certain entitlements. There is more to separation than walking out the door and returning a wedding ring. Once again, you can talk to "Relationships Australia" about your legal entitlements and obligations. I think the service is free, but ask if you make an appointment. Alternatively, you can talk to someone at the, "Women's Legal Service"; just google for your state.
It will take time to working through the legal and emotional issues; luckily there is no rush if you and your husband remain amicable.
Good morning Lea
Ending a marriage is never easy, even when both spouses are amicable. The sense of loss and “failure” leaves a very bad after taste. Because your husband has initiated the separation, I can understand your feelings of hurt, shock and confusion.
I’ve never been a fan of separating and staying under the one roof. I know some people don’t have a choice but if you can find somewhere new to live, I agree with you it’s probably for the best.
I’m glad you have your daughter with you. I know your emotionally off balance at the moment and I don’t want to rush you but have you sought legal advice relevant to your marital separation? If you have not I strongly advise you to find a solicitor with Family Law experience, sooner rather than later.
Formalising the separation date and knowing what’s ahead of you can help you feel like you’re winning back some control in your life. At some point the assets held within the marriage are going to have to be sorted and having a legal expert to advise can help take some of the burden off your shoulders.
Please post back here as many times as you like. Most of us have experienced your situation and are eager to support you.
Thank you Betternow
I really do appreciate your advice. Knowing there are others who have come out on the other side is a help