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Husband dosent want sex

Community Member
I am seriously at my wits end. If I didnt initiate sex with my husband, we wouldnt have it. He is never horny, he never wants a quickie. I cant seem to do anything to make him "want" it. Underwear does nothing for him. I just cant turn him on. When we do have sex, its basically just missionary. I end up in tears ocer it so much lately. He is such a great person, hardwprker and z fantastic dad to our 4 kids, but i just feel so unattractive around him and now find myself fantasizing about having affairs 😞 😞 we havr had counselling over this but if we talk about it, it resolves for a week or so then ends up going back to normal until I flare up agsin and get upset about it...repeat.
5 Replies 5

Summer Rose
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Becca_Maria

I'm sorry that you're experiencing a lack of intimacy in your relationship. I can understand how your husband's apparent lack of interest could leave you feeling unloved and sad. You have every right to feel the way you do.

I'm wondering if you two have ever really discussed what's happening for him. His low libido could be the result of many things, none of which could have anything to do with you or your relationship. For example, fatigue, stress, age, or a physical or mental health issue.

Given hubby has attended counseling with you, it sounds like he cares for you and wants to please you. But maybe as a next step it would be a good idea for hubby to see his GP. It could be that whatever is going on for him is something he needs privacy to discuss with a doctor. Just a thought.

Kind thoughts to you

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Welcome Becca_Maria this is a tough one I feel for you in this position. As Summer Rose said you hubbies low libido could be he is tired physically, mentally, both.

I was in a relationship with my partner, in the end for six years. Where I worked a factory job 7- 3.30 5 days a week. Then 7 days a week I was caring for her, as she had a disability. I was exhausted after a few months. I was just to tired I still wanted it I still loved her but the flesh was weak. I lost the job but gained two infant children to look after as well her and me. Unfortunately I lost her to cancer. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I don't know how old your partner is, or what type of work he does. He could still believe your the hottest thing on two legs. But if he is exhausted it's hard to raise the titanic after it went down. He needs to be able to get his imagination back.


Community Member

I can only comment on this as a woman who has experienced the opposite (I am the one with litle interest in sex and my hub the one who wants it more). I know that my low libido has nothing to do with how attractive/sexy my husband is, and everything to do with my depression/exhaustion and some unresolved emotional issues we've had in the relationship that initially had nothing to do with sex but ended up infecting our sex life. I know it's hard, but unless your husband is expressly saying things to you about your attractiveness being the issue (I hope not!), I hope you can believe it is not personal if he doesn't want sex as much as you. It does not make you less of a woman/unlovable or any of that.

I know that is hard to imagine, not taking it personally, but it might help you speak to him about it without the emotions overwhelming the issue. Perhaps he is simply exhausted, or his libido might not match yours. That's very common. Or Is he on any medication that could be affecting his drive?

Have you thought about why you want sex? Is it actually emotional connection you're craving or just a physical thing? If it's simply physical, is it possible he might be into watching you alone?

If it's emotional connection you need, you need to explore that by talking too.

Something that stands out to me in your post is also how you've said he's a great dad to your kids. That's a precious gift, and is one way in which he shows his love for you and the family very clearly. Nothing wrong with fantasy but an affair won't make any of this better, only worse, and it will hurt a man who seems to want love you. I'm sure you know that.

I hope you find a way to talk to your husband.


Community Member

I feel your pain Becca. My wife shows very little interest in sex. Gods knows I’ve tried my absolute hardest to make things more exciting,  I also want to see her enjoy sex for what it is. I always hope that she enjoys it and wants to take the lead sometimes but she simply never does. I reckon if I didn’t initiate sex that she would simply go on without it.

It drives me mad!!! Of course I want sex, we’ve been married for 10yrs and together for 20. I believe that sex is an important part of any relationship. When you don’t get what you desire your mind starts wandering. Unlike you I’ve already had encounters outside of my marriage and for some crazy reason have convinced myself that it’s normal. I mostly visit sex workers for relief but from time to time have engaged with other married women for similar fun. People such as you no doubt. I’m struggling to decide whether or not I have a sex addiction or if it’s simpy bevause my sex life within my marriage is shit.

Community Member

Hi Chris,

Thanks for sharing your info. I am in a somehow similarly situation myself and, like you, I mostly visit sex workers. I would like to comment a couple of statements in your post. There is no question sex is important in a relationship, it is not an important part of any relationship (or marriage, for that matter). My wife and I have not had sex for the last 8 years and I think we are better off. We have been married for nearly 27 years. Without sex, we get on a lot better. Like you, it was I who always initiated and often I would have to go without sex for many weeks. Nowadays I no longer crave sex. Craving, begging, anger, resentment, and so on, all that stuff is behind me. Secondly, there is no sex addiction. You are a normal heterosexual man, and me too. There was a time when you and I were getting sex, more or less regularly, and we no longer get it and we miss it. We miss love, intimacy, and it's going to be like that until we find a suitable relationship. Sex with sex workers is good sex therapy, sex workers are very helpful, supportive, but they can never replace a loving partner. Casual sex too is good, but it is casual. What is required is thankfulness and a little mental adjustment on your part re: your current circumstances and expectations. I hope my comments help.