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Husband been cheating for months

Melly44
Community Member

I found out my husband of 10years (together 15) has been cheating with an old friend of his that he reconnected with on Facebook. It’s been going on for 4 months. I only found out because I checked his phone. We have 2 primary aged kids. I’m heartbroken πŸ’” He has cut all ties from her. Although she begged him to leave me. He says he did it because of the lack of affection (not sex) such as I never come up to him and give him a cuddle/kiss.
we’ve started marriage counseling. But how to I get past the anger, sadness and sooo many other emotions?
i asked him, if we separate, would he be with her... he said maybe!!! That was not the answer I wanted to hear!
im not really sure what I’m asking.. have you been in a similar situation? Did it work out?
Any advice is appreciated! 🀯πŸ₯ΊπŸ’œ

12 Replies 12

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion
Hi, welcome

We do get similar stories here.

Firstly, whatever your decision, it's your feeling that matter not him nor his excuses. You also have two children and the complete family unit to consider.

The fallout of his actions creates many reaction in you, anger, destruction of trust, risk of the future of two United parents for your kids and the list goes on.

I'm of the view that his reason e.g. that you don't approach him for kisses and cuddles is an example of turning the attention off him onto you. If it was such an issue why didn't he bring it up previously or seek counseling with you. The fact remains he searched for her on Facebook and persued her. Nothing you did or didn't do was worthy of his actions. Nor is his claims fair or caring.

Considering everything, it is reasonable to want to save your marriage. It is more than reasonable to attend counseling together to grab as much trust back as possible. If he won't attend then go there alone so you can learn to cope with your anger and rejection. If he doesn't attend then that might help you come to a conclusion. Keep your confidence, re-embrace your values, refuse criticism and do your best.

Repost anytime

TonyWK



geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Melly, I agree with Tony, if you did separate then you don't know how much fun he'll have with this new friend, but it may not last, then would you accept him back, something for you to think about or until he finds another person.

You have a family with two young kids, surely that must hold him to his family and not go around looking for another person.

If he has complained about not being kissed or cuddled then there could be a reason why, he surely has to make you want to do this, not once or twice, but differently every time, in some way that would entice you to be attracted towards him.

A relationship/marriage has to be interesting, today won't be the same as yesterday, different feelings and the way on how you feel will change and encouragement to surprise your spouse/partner is always a great way to entertain them.

So it's also up to him to please you, just as he's doing with this new friend.

Take care.

Geoff.

Guest_3256
Community Member

Hi Buddy.

Fist thing id do on you your part is try and regain your self-confidence and get yourself and emotions/thoughts on track.

Second thing that I would suggest is to get him into therapy immediately or for him to speak to a mental health clinician about his issues.

People, it is not normal or healthy in anyway to be sleeping with people that you're not entitled too when you should be watering your own grass. it is a mental health issue to be sexualised with many people.

lost_girl_101
Community Member

Hi Melly,

Im sorry to hear what you are going through and yes there are quite alot of people on here going through the same thing.My story is somewhat the same, i caught my bf of 20 years on dating sites etc etc and he also met up with alot of girls from online sites for sex and hooked up on holidays with backpackers but the difference between you and i is my partner still lies about it all, he has never owned up to everything he did and his cheating went on for over 4 years without me knowing until i saw everything on his phone and on the phone bills .It hurts deeply and messes so much with your mind to find out that someone you love has betrayed you. Its been way over a year since i found out about him and i still got anger and many other emotions that i cant shake away. i cry every day, i feel sick every day. I find myself checking everything he does, everything he looks at but he has got so clever and sneaky that now he deletes everything which causes more anger for me. If i confront him i get called names and told that im a looney for thinking he is cheating.. but i dont think hes cheating ,i know hes cheating .People say to me to walk away, but its not that easy, i love him or maybe i love the person he was before he cheated . But somedays i wish i didnt find everything out because i think i rather had not known then feeling like this every day. If i was someone that was strong and wasnt going through a cheating relationship i would tell you to walk away from someone treating you like that, but i cant tell you that because i cant do it myself.I know i hadnt helped you work out what to do but at least you know others are going through it too.

stay strong, your not alone πŸ™‚

Hello Lost girl, although you still love your boyfriend what's life like having to check everything he does, not trusting what he says or what he does, wondering when you go out what he's thinking about another person that's present and not paying you the attention you have hoped for.

If you do leave him, then it's making him realise that he needs you more than you need him, but this may not stop the love you have for him, it just changes the aspects of the relationship and the love for him actually changes to another form.

If my wife (when married) was doing exactly the same as your boyfriend, I'd still love her as a person, but certainly not the same way as before, because I could never trust what she was doing when we weren't together, and to give her a cuddle/kiss couldn't happen under the circumstances.

You can still love somebody but not be together.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

hi geoff,

Walking away isnt so easy, he is manipulating and a very cruel person and ill end up walking out with nothing and worse low self esteem than what i have now,i just know it. He had fought his ex gfs in courts after failed relationships and he always won.. He is a very rich person and in life he always gets what we wants. Im scared because im not strong enough to deal with all that at this time. My options are to stay and be like this every day or suicide.. i dont have any other options. i have no family or friends that can help me.

Hi lost girl 101,

We're sorry to hear that things have been so rough with your ex and that things are not turning out fairly. It's so challenging trying to get a life back from having self-esteem taken away and then to see others continually getting things in an unfar way. Please know that there are options for you other than suicide. We have contacted you privately to offer support, also there are options below.

We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). 

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupportβ€― One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

You are not alone, the community is here to support you.



 

Helarctus
Community Member

Hello Melly44,

This is a difficult situation, without knowing all the facts, it would be irresponsible of me to jump to any 'sides' on this situation. That he had an affair with someone and says that it is over is a starting point.

Both of you going to marriage counselling is a good thing, I would recommend that all couples go to counselling regularly as an opportunity for both parties to be open and discuss feelings and issues as they come up instead of bottling them away until someone does something that everyone regrets.

If he has identified the key factors that he feels led to his choices, the question then becomes one of what are the two of you going to do about it. If you are both willing to move forward together then you both need to make sure that the "ground rules" of the relationship are clear. This isn't a situation to issue ultimatums in, that will only lead to snap decisions and regret. The whole relationship needs to be put on the table and discussed, where it was, where it is and where it is going.

This is not an overnight fix. There is no magic wand.

Regardless of if you stay together or separate, you have to maintain a working relationship that is healthy for you both AND the kids. There is no benefit in spite, it will only teach the kids that wounding your life partner is more important than loving them.

You both have things to say, you both need to be heard.

I hope this has been helpful.

Regards,

Helarctus

Hi

Suicide is never an option. We do not injure ourselves because of someone else's misfortune and we do not hold onto other peoples bad behaviours, that's there's to own. We also do no allow others (including our partners) to control us, to inflict pain and suffering on us and we do not allow them to be enabled. We stand up and say "no more."

We need to live, breath and love each other. For the people who have difficulties with their behaviours (cheaters, lies, narcs), us healthy people do not need to be looking after or spoon-feeding their egos. I have been in relationships where people told me to leave - that is hard, however, really the only way out, especially if you are living with a monster who blames, lies and cheats. They need to be told. The need to break. We need to say no more to abuse.