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Husband addicted to porn

MummaPetal
Community Member
Hello

I'm not sure what to do or how to respond to my husband's porn addiction.

For years he has had ED and we haven't had a lot of intimacy in our relationship. His porn addiction has come up as an issue before and he reassures me that he will never look at it again.

Just recently I was on our computer and noticed it on an open tab. I was really shocked and hurt. I feel betrayed because he lied to me.

As much as it hurt, I could understand why he'd look at it to perhaps improve things in the intimacy department but now it seems to have replaced ANY intimacy between us.

I feel uncertain about our future and feel numb.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts.

MP
19 Replies 19

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear MP~

I've had a read of some of your posts going back a couple of years and at that time you had problems with your husband's family and although he was supportive things were not as you wanted. Later you mentioned as he has sleep apnia you have separate bedrooms and for quite along time have said there has been no intimacy or TLC.

In fact on return from work his phone seems to be his main occupation

Now you have found he is looking at porn. While it might be an effort to improve a lack of desire it might equally be as you say a substitute. Porn is completely unrealistic and it can cause a great deal of distress, with feelings of inadequacy and betrayal. I'm sorry it is happening to you.

Actually I'm rather surprised he left the tab open.

In view of his responses in the past do you think that talking with him about this might be the way to go or have things gone too far for that?

I do know you have a child and feel trapped, not having worked for quite some time and no family of your own.

In practical terms what would you like to do?

Croix

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi MP and welcome to beyond blue.

I guess your uncertainty might be related to the your husband telling he would not look at it again, and then you find out despite his statement he has done it again? And as you said he lied to you.

I cannot guess why he would be looking at porn. Well, I can guess and if I were wrong... there are other stories on the forums here similar to yours. Sadly. If you use the search function at the top of the page, you can easily find these and see what others have done.

I can imagine that being caught again would be embarrassing. If you want him to overcome his addiction would he confide in you with honesty where he can unload the nature and extent of their problem without holding back details out of humiliation. Perhaps then you might be able to work out a way forward, in whatever form that takes.

Peace to you,

Tim

Hi, welcome

I don’t think he lied to you, he more likely imo promised he’d remain away from porn eg his intentions were good but as with all addictions he can’t help himself. That puts things in a different context.

Apart from that I agree with your assessment and advise you to seek professional help together if not aline

TonyWK

Response to all:

Together we have tried professional help. I thought we had a plan to put things right and now they've slipped back. It is history repeating itself yet again.

We have talked quite openly. He knows he has a problem and can't promise me it won't happen again.

I don't have a plan forward as yet. I have my job and a great network of friends which are all great but it would be nice to come home to a cosy relationship and to have someone respect my needs to be held and not feel neglected.








Hello MummaPetal, I join the others and feel sorry about your situation and agree with Tony,'he can’t help himself' because an addiction, especially one that is hidden, is difficult to know whether or not he's stopped, or if for any reason, such as if he has a day he has then gone back to watching it.

This link may be able to help you,

-/www.healthline.com/health/pornography-addiction

Take care.

Geoff.

Yes I understand. He obviously has a void when it comes to giving affection and warmth. I actually think that is a bigger problem than him watching porn and see them as two separate issues.

Have you considered separation at all?

TonyWK

Yes, I have considered separation which is a difficult thought process. If it was just me in this house, I wouldn't have any hesitation.

As there are children involved who adore their Daddy, it makes things really tricky. It would break their heart.

I also know that I need to look after my own needs and mental health. I do feel for my husband. I just can't do anything to help. I've tried to give kisses and cuddles but he goes cold. I also need to ask for affection so I don't really see this as a sustainable option.

I could see a counsellor again but I feel a bit "counselled out". Ultimately I need to make a decision. There'll never be the right time.



Hi again,

Kids are resilient , more than us. But yes, they’ll get hurt.

In many not so close marriages where members write in, we usually have issues we can help with. But lack of affection is kind of rare really. Porn addiction pops up regularly

You are not responsible for his addiction nor his lack of effort.

TonyWK

Please do not think I condone any of your husband's activities on reading this.

Your husband said he could not promise it would not happen again. Two thoughts came to mind - either honest answer or "cop out" or both. And when it first happened did he get help (or not)? Is it a coping mechanism?

His lack of intimacy towards you can be a side-effect. If seen in terms of an addiction then relapses are possible. And here you would then be talking about your husband getting help.

Despite any possible justification above, it would be a horrible experience that rocks one to the core of where the relationship stands. In your latest post you felt...

a bit "counselled out"

so the question is whether he and you want to save the relationship? Only both of you can answer that question. If you did speak with someone, you would be able to say how it affects you? And perhaps any issues / stresses he faces.

It is a very difficult decision for you to make - the people here would support you as we can during this time.

Tim