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How to work through your relationship following infidelity?
My partner and I were together for a year but then broke up as we were both really depressed and became unhappy in our relationship (felt like we didn't meet each other's needs and were actually unhappy about our lives but blamed the relationship). About 3 months ago we decided to get back together but before this, my partner told me that before we start this relationship I need to know that he cheated on me (kissed a girl from work) about 3 months after we first got together (reason: he couldn't communicate his needs to me and it was a mistake but just felt like I didn't appreciate him - which I didn't in hindsight). Following our break up, another girl from his work expressed her feelings to him and they dated for 3 weeks but that ended quickly as it was a rebound and he realised he wasn't ready and didn't want it. I was extremely upset but I decided I wanted to be with him and work through it and I came clean about feeling guilty about sleeping with someone else as he pursued me initially and lying to him about it our whole relationship.
I have really horrible anxiety and have always been insecure and as expected it's only gotten worse now. I love my partner and he as actually been wonderful! Anytime I need to talk about it he listens and never tells me to "get over it already" and whatever I need from him, he does (eg. be more honest with me when a girl messages me, lets me check his phone if I really need to). We both feel like our needs are finally being met and we are openly communicating. However, I'm starting to get really upset with myself because I just can't move on! I'm constantly anxious, insecure and crying because I read into it when he's having a bad day at work thinking it's me and automatically think that he wants to leave me. I get anxious anytime a female speaks to him that he might think she's better than me. I have dreams about him cheating on me and have started having doubts about my own ability to remain loyal and constant flashbacks about what happened and picturing it (almost PTSD like symptoms). I'm over feeling like this and just want to work towards becoming less insecure and anxious about my partner and my relationship but I'm so overwhelmed and don't know how! Any advice would be much appreciated on how to move on with my relationship and also advice on maybe ways to help cope with the anxiety and insecurities.
Well hats off to you both for reuniting and coming clean. This is an opportunity now that could get derailed shortly if you don’t seek help which you are doing now.
Relationships that break up as I see it, is then two single people. If there is no conditions then either person can pursue other relations.
Anyway now your anxiety is the concern. I would suggest a visit to your GP for a talk and get advice. Add to that any suggestions for self help.
I have listed below some threads that pertain to your problem. Read just the first post. Use google
beyondblue topic anxiety, how I eliminated it
Beyondblue topic feeding your brain
beyondblue topic forgiveness and forgetting, the two F’s for love
Thank you TonyWK.
Unfortunately, I've been to the GP and have been to 5 different psychologists but unfortunately its been super difficult to find one that is actually good and helpful. As a result, the only other option has been medication which I found has also not been very helpful and has also made me incredibly sick (side effects) so it's getting to a point that I just keep hitting a wall in terms of finding things that might help.
However, I will definitely have a look at the threads you're referring to and hopefully can find something helpful 🙂
I appreciate your response! thank you!
First things first, there's a reason you both decided to reconnect, and that reason is that you both feel something for one another, something that your partner, for example, feels he cannot get with someone else. Hence why he decided that pursuing this girl wasn't his interest, instead he wanted to be with you.
There are reasons why people separate, and a huge reason is all to do with communicating and trying hard to be on the same level. Miscommunication, lack of communication, OR lots of communication and little comprehension are HUGE relationship breakers. You can communicate all you want, but if the other person does not or will not understand how you feel, then all that communication is out the window.
Starting fresh means putting all your cards on the table. Admitting things you've done, and sharing what you expect out of the relationship. Try and make your needs very clear, and try and understand his. For example. "I really want to be with you, but I have certain things I want to get out the way, and I want you to be open and honest too. And in order for us to move forward, I want for us to be able to communicate, I need you to be understanding, committed to me, and willing to do all these things in order to continue being in a relationship with me. I want you to know that I do love you, and I do want this relationship to work out, and I am willing to try my hardest so long as you are."
I have suffered some insane insecurities due to past relationship trauma resulting in low self-esteem nd constant worries that one day they'll come home and say they don't want to be with me anymore. It's important to try and trust your partner, if things are good then you most likely have nothing to worry about. Men cheat when they are unhappy, the problem is men are NOT that hard to please. Often, we are the ones who are a lot of work. Try and meet his needs, and I'm sure he will try and meet yours. And remember COMMUNICATE if you feel offish like something's wrong, ASK him. and BELIEVE him when he tells you everything is fine.
In my personal opinion, there is no reason for him to speak to females at all. As there is no reason for you to speak to males. UNLESS it is for work, or work purposes or genuine friendship. When trust is broken, it's the person who broke that trust's job to make sure there is no inkling of a reason to believe anything is going on, especially when their partner is so insecure. Talk to him about this.
Hope this helps. x