Hi anon143
I feel for you so much as you're trying to make sense of everything, in your attempts to move forward. Btw, as a mum I just have to put it out there - aren't 3 year olds such beautiful people. Don't you just love 'em. While my daughter's now 19 and my son's 16, I still see glimpses of the 3yo in them.
Not sure if it will help but I can relate to the emotional detachment aspect of a relationship. I used to beat myself up something shocking when it came to periods of emotional detachment from my husband, who I'm still with. While I used to ask myself the usual depressing questions 'What's wrong with me? Why can't or don't I feel a connection? Why am I so difficult?' and so on, took years to understand what those periods were really about. Constructively labeling such periods as 'Complete emotional detachment in favour of pure analysis' made a huge difference. With 100% emotional detachment, the question then becomes 'What's being analysed here?'. Some hopefully helpful questions
- Am I being a reasonable person? Am I able to reason clearly but I'm simply not being listened to and respected? Are my thoughts and feelings being largely ignored?
- Is the other person's behaviour stressful and/or depressing in some way? Am I naturally detaching from stressful and depressing behaviour so as not to experience emotional exhaustion?
- If I'm appointing reasonable roles for that other person to fill, such as ones that involve responsibility, compassion, clear honest and open communication etc, are they dis-appointing themself from these roles time and time again, in order to serve themself?
- Am I angered by the lack of effort on the part of that other person? Do they simply expect me to 'get over' past experiences or how I'm currently feeling things because it's easier for them?
Can be a long list, so I won't go on.
For me, emotional detachment always follows a significant trigger or set of triggers. Wondering if you can relate. Pinpointing the trigger or triggers can be intensely challenging. While a trigger might appear minor, like some tiny almost invisible red flag, when a lot of those tiny red flags begin to line up, all in a row, you can really feel them.
Do you feel he's triggering you but you can't quite pick the trigger/s? Rage is a very telling feeling. You gotta trust it's trying to tell you something, even if it's subconsciously, in your dreams. Trust your feelings. I imagine it was your ability to feel that led you out of the relationship.
