How to open up/get help? (adoption, trust issues)

[ellesz]

Hi there, just looking for some advice. I'm 22 right now but I've suffered from depression since I can remember and anxiety in more recent years. I was internationally adopted at 2 months and although I love my parents very much I've never had the connection that say, my best friend would have with her Mum. I find it hard to show affection, love, empathy and when I do it's very much forced.. because of this, I've learnt to never open up and remain private/closed. I choose how much of 'me' a person will get until I trust them (which is virtually never). I don't like burdening others with my issues but as of right now, it's agony. I wish the people around me knew what was going on but they don't.

I'd like to tell my Mum/dad about the years of bullying or being sexually assaulted but I just can't bring myself to it. Because of my depression I lost many friends then basically deleted all social media & fell off the face of the earth. I don't want to be here anymore but I couldn't commit suicide because I don't want to hurt my parents yet if euthanasia was available, I'd take it.

As of right now I feel damaged.. from the depression, anxiety, attachment, trust & abandonment issues. I just feel like there's no hope and no one would want me because I can't even keep a relationship. I do want help, I'd like to be happy again. I just feel so awkward talking to my parents or anyone about it. It took more than 10 years for me to tell just my best friend about how sad I actually was, she had no idea and that's how great of a facade I can put on.

Something that really bothers me is when people at work for example question me about why I don't have a boyfriend or how I feel about being adopted/whether I want to search for my birth parents. I just feel like explaining my view & position is pointless because they will just say "I'm lucky" or "should be thankful", will tell me what they think, I think or won't understand that a lot of my issues may come from actually being Adopted. Yet I see other older adoptee's happily married, with kids & have made a life for themselves and I just wonder what is wrong with me..

I really just do not know where to start. My best friend is super busy with uni at the moment. Would it be better to talk to a therapist/counselor first? (Even that would be hard for me.. As a kid it failed because I never opened up. I almost feel ashamed to ask for any kind of help as to me, it would feel weak when I try to be strong). Thanks.

[MarkJT]

Ellesz, welcome to the forums and well done for reaching out. You need to realise just how much courage you have shown to post what you did and i applaud you for that. Make no mistake about this, you are not weak, you are strong, you just have a bit going on at the moment.

I think there are a couple of things you need to do:

1) Go to the GP and get a mental health plan. The GP may also talk about medication for your depression. It is perfectly normal to have meds as there are so many in the community that are on them, like me. I am pretty much thinking it is a lifetime of meds for me and I am fine with that.

2) You need to find a way to sit your parents down and tell them what is going on. I think you would find that they will be super supportive. They cannot help you if they do not know what is going on. It well be worthwhile speaking to the GP about this who may refer you to a psych who can help with how to approach it.

3) You need to open up. Think of your depression as a physical injury. You would go to the hospital and tell them all about it, exactly how it is. This is no different to a mental illness. The GP and possibly psych that you will see will have heard your story 1,000 times, if not more so there is zero to worry about. They are there to help you, let them.

You are in a good place to help yourself because you want to. That is a huge hurdle to cross so well done. Now you can take those super positive steps and move forward to get your health into a good place.

The beyondblue helpline - 1300 224 636 - is also a great resource that you can use. Please do not hesitate to give them a ring. Trained clinicians are there to help you, that is their job so don't hesitate to ring them.

You have a whole heap of people that will help you, GP's, clinicians, members of this forum and most of all, i would think that your parents will be there for you.

Be confident in this, you are very strong, you just don't realise yet how strong you are. You are still very young and have so many wonderful years ahead of you. You can grab control of your life and control your destiny.

Keep posting and engaging with the forum. It is great to have you here.

Cheers

Mark.