How to mend a broken relationship

[NikkieB]

Me and my husband are going through a very rough patch . Started with his family interefering and deciding who should come and stay at our house . When we used to fight , it almost Always ended with a physical fight , initiated by him mostly . We sorted out the issues and things were fine for a while . But now , even trivial things make him violent . Although sometimes I exaggerate the arguement by getting rude and like , snatch his phone or turn off the tv or iPad To make him look at me . Usually the fight involves the topic of his family . I am reluctant to go to a marriage counsellor as I am scared if I mention about physical violence and the information gets out , he might loose his job as his job requires mental stability . He is fine and lovely and very supportive in rest of the aspects of a relationship and does everything for me and loves me unconditionally but only the family issues which are unresolved . What complicates the matter is that I might be having depression/anxiety and feeling of worthlessness and hence a situation like this makes me incapable of doing anything for few weeks. I want to continue the relation as I feel that relationships are meant to be worked upon and they need constant attention and resolving of issues

i was wondering if anyone has any suggestion on how to start mending this relation ? Do counsellors have a rule of mandatory reporting about physical violence against women ?

[geoff]

hello Nikkie, I'm sorry for what you are going through.
It doesn't matter how much he loves you in general, violence is still not allowed, whether it's only over family issues from what you have told us it seems to be getting worse and unfortunately will do so until it's stopped.
Firstly his family has no right to be able to choose who comes to your house, it's none of their business who comes, who stays and who has a meal with you, they should butt out, but if they don't then your family situation is only going to become worse.
That's what I fear, I'm worried about your safety and yes, what's it's doing is pushing you into depression/anxiety, so now this doubles your situation and is only going to make the situation worse.
I appreciate the fact that you don't want him to lose his job, but this doesn't mean you should tolerate the violence, there's a fine line between these two, your safety or what may happen with his job, however they might not even know about what's happening so his job could remain safe, but it's your safety I'm more concerned about.
At the moment I suggest that you go and see your doctor by yourself, because I don't believe your husband would agree to go with you under the circumstances and would strongly object, I maybe wrong and you can let me know, but your safety is paramount here. Geoff.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi NikkieB,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for your post.

I'm sorry to hear that you and your husband are fighting and that he's initiating it. It worries me that you say he's becoming violent over trivial things and I hope that you are safe.

One thing I want to make really clear is that you don't exaggerate the argument by snatching his phone. The way that he treats you and the way that he acts is his responsibility and only his. Whether you take his phone or take his clothes/car is irrelevant because you still don't deserve (nobody does!) to be treated this way.

To answer your question though, this fits in a kind of tricky box. Counsellors have a duty of care to both of you which means they would need to ensure you are both safe from serious harm. It's their legal obligation to ensure that when you leave that office after the appointment, you are going to be safe that night. Having said that though, it's up to them as to what determines safety and what determines serious harm.

There are lots of different counsellors who specialise in relationships and difficulties so it's important to find one that is well trained in it. Perhaps it might be a good idea to see them one on one at first and talk about what their rules are around disclosure. This way they can be really clear to you about where the boundaries are regarding confidentiality. It's also important for you to know that whether you see them one on one or together, they will keep notes, as every therapist does with a client. These notes are always confidential except when they are required by law.

I hope this clears up your question! Ultimately though I agree with Geoff in that the priority is for you to feel safe and not be the receiver of someone so violent. It can become a bit of a messy puddle when you're struggling with depression and a feeling of worthlessness but this is all the more reason to talk about it with a pro so you can be heard.

Hope this helps,