How to let my walls down when I've been hurt so much?

[Ely_]

I feel like I always end up back at rock bottom. I trust someone or people. I let my guard down, let myself believe that they are a good person. Then things go wrong and they turn out to be a completely different person, to the point that they are unbelievably opposite of the good I saw 😞

I've been burnt so many times. Used, abused, chewed up and spat out.

I am now feeling like even support workers/companies are doing the same thing. They always say the right thing to get you to sign the dotted line, then a few weeks or months pass and things inevitably change. They show no true compassion or understanding for those with mental illness. Just lack of empathy and non communication. And then they claim when you leave the company that you only did it 'because you didn't get your way'. Ummm.... no there were months of issues that I tried to resolve, and I've now had to complain to the commission because nothing has been done.

I have started with a new company over the last week and a half, but it is so hard. The ladies they are sending have no prior experience w support work, let alone MH. They have very little to no professional boundaries. And, I'm struggling to even communicate with them. One lady is studying psychology at Uni, which is nice in theory, but practically is presenting issues, as she seems to think she is here to be an extra therapist or something. She keeps asking me questions and pushing me for information. I had to ask her to leave the other night after she asked if a friend who I had mentioned had visited, was a 'romantic' friend... She made me so uncomfortable. So unprofessional, that is none of her business.

I have been having a lot of trouble recently where I have been regressing and not wanting to communicate to people at all, so my SC and I came up with a card I can put out when I am overwhelmed to let them know to leave me alone/give me space/time out.

I just need them to understand that I can't have my walls down anymore. It's too hard. I've been hurt too much. I hurt too much right now.

I feel like I can't talk to them/shouldn't talk to them, tell anyone anything about me. I shouldn't risk getting close to people. If I could be so wrong about that person. I could just risk being wrong and hurt and more broken again.

[james1]

Hey Ely_,

I'm sorry to hear you feel like you've been hurt by so many others. It can be really hard to trust others when your past history says "don't!", and I certainly don't want to suggest that you do anything which opens you up to more pain right now. I hear you when you say you just can't and you hurt too much right now.

If you don't mind me mentioning it, I spent a short bit of time in hospital because I had also been hurt a few times by people I thought would have my back, and I think I was just a bit done with it all. Even in hospital, I didn't really want to deal with anyone there and was annoyed that the pre-requisite for getting out was actively working on some of the issues. All I wanted, and I did get some of it, was just time away to be on my own for a bit. That's what I needed to get enough strength to come out of my own shell, and the last thing I wanted was for people to keep asking me more questions.

So equally, I don't really want to ask you too much but I did want to say that I think that's a really fantastic idea of having a card you can use to essentially make people go away gently. It's a really important thing that you can attend to your own needs, and if that means alone time, people should respect that. If there's anything in particular you want to talk about, let us know. But I guess my short answer to your thread questions is: while you feel vulnerable and unsafe, it's probably not the best time. In my own experience, if you can find a safe space with safe people, that'll give you a much better chance of letting down your walls and not feeling hurt. Even good people can say hurtful things unintentionally, so I tend to find a safe space is really crucial.

Do you mind if I ask what an SC is? I'm not familiar with the acronym.

James